The One That Got Away
by Dizzy88
Summary: After Rachel learns what Jesse did for her at Nationals and the real reason why she's just been accepted to NYADA she goes to thank him for what he's done, then we follow their journey from there.
1. The One That Got Away

Hi everyone.

I had no intention of ever writing a Glee fanfiction, but I can't help it…after Nationals and Jesse's just utter ADORABLENESS I've been unable to get this piece out of my head.

The thing is I don't mind Finnchel, but not in the 'oh so meant to be we're going to get married and live happily ever after' kind of way. More in a high school puppy love, it means something to you and you'll look back on it in future years with fond memories. But St Berry, well they're for keeps in my heart! They are equals in every way. I think it also helps that I have always and probably always will adore Jesse.

I'd like this to be longer than a one shot, I have a vague idea for a story in my head, but since I am already writing one story I'll see whether I have the time and muse to take this further. I really, really want to because I'd rather Rachel wasn't the One That Got Away, but at least this way they get some proper closure for now.

Disclaimer – I do not own Glee, if I did Rachel and Jesse would defo be endgame.

I also don't own either of the songs. They belong to the incredibly talented Chester See (although for the sake of the story I am going to claim it as a Jesse orginal) and Katy Perry although the version I envision in my head for the Rachel/Jesse arrangement is this one by Chester See and Tiffany Alvord...both can be found on my profile page, please do check them out to get the full effect of the story!

* * *

Rachel couldn't quite believe it. She hadn't believed her phone when it rang and the ID stated that it was Carmen Tibideaux calling, she hadn't believed her ears when she heard that she'd actually done it, that Carmen Tibideaux was actually going to accept her into NYDA in the next academic year despite the whole choke incident. It wasn't that Rachel had doubted her talent, or her skill, or the fact that once she heard Rachel at Nationals Carmen Tibideaux would see that she really was destined for stardom – it was just at the end of the day Rachel still knew the odds of her succeeding this year where slim. After Nationals she was expecting Carmen Tibideaux to tell her she was on the short list for the following year and then at least she would be able to start counting down the days to when she would be joining Kurt at NYDA – she figured it would just mean she'd have more time with Finn as man and wife before the big move and Kurt would be able to keep New York warm for her in the extra year.

But this, to be accepted right after graduation, this was beyond what Rachel had realistically hoped for. Yes she liked to dream, and in her dreams her talent and passion won over Carmen, but then also in her dreams she would be playing Eva Peron in Evita by this time next year without ever having to work up through the chorus line….so Rachel knew her dreams happening in the way she liked to imagined they would were really a long shot in reality. Which is why Rachel had been unable to fully comprehend what had just happened.

But Rachel being Rachel wasn't about to show that.

'Oh thank, thank you so much Madame Tibideaux. I knew once you heard what I could that you'd seen that I really am the kind of person you are looking for, and I won't let you down, I promise.'

'Well actually Miss Berry' came a rather coarse reply, 'it wasn't your talent or your so called passion that changed my mind. I'm not saying you're not incredibly talented and that I wasn't impressed by your performance at Nationals – because I was. But then again there are hundreds of people throughout America and indeed the world that have the same dedication, skills and talent that you so persistently argue you possess.'

'Then why offer me a place at NYDA?' Rachel asked in confusion.

'I wasn't planning on doing so….even after I saw you perform at Nationals. I was planning however on allowing you to cut through some of the red tape next year to make you get through to the audition stages more easily. I was also considering maybe putting you on the waiting list in case any students decided to drop out…but then something happened that showed me that perhaps you did have something more than all those other hundreds of thousands of students throughout the world.'

There was a long pause before Rachel said, 'I'm sorry but I am really confused…if it wasn't my performance at Nationals that changed your mind, or my persistence in calling you and chasing you to see me perform, then what did?'

'Your heart Miss Berry and what it clearly managed to invoke in people. If it wasn't that little Asian girl in the yellow dress rushing to your defence when you came to beg me to come and see you perform, then it was that boy chasing me out into the lobby after your performance at Nationals to say that you were without a doubt the most talented person he'd ever met.'

Finn, Rachel thought fondly as her heart swelled with love, it had to have been.

'Usually I wouldn't pay any attention to what some young nobody in puppy love has to say. I mean I have years of experience under my belt, I can spot talent a mile away and it isn't the first time I've had some random person telling me that they know the most talented person in the world.'

'So why listen this time, what was different?' Rachel asked, she was worried that pushing this too much would lead to Carmen changing her mind. But curiosity was eating her alive….what had Finn said exactly, what wonderful words had managed to win over one of the most talented people on Broadway?

'This time I'd seen you perform so I knew you at least had some skill, I was also vaguely aware that the boy in question had some talent – which probably means some part of him wanted to plead his case, to ask for another shot at his audition from two years ago, but he didn't. Instead he came up to me, said I'd told him two years ago when he auditioned for me he showed great promise but that he wasn't there for himself. Instead he was there for Rachel Berry and he then proceeded to tell me that he had no doubt you would be a star one day. And then he just walked away.'

What that didn't make any sense? Finn hadn't auditioned for Carmen Tibideaux two years ago…there was only one person she knew that could possibly have auditions for NYDA two years ago – but it just seemed so extraordinary that Jesse would do that. That he would go up to Carmen Tibideaux and plead her case rather than his and put her dreams above his own.

'Having a heart that makes people care enough to plead your case is a rare thing in this business. Those with the greatest drive and determination tend to be the ones that get ahead in the world of performing arts but they also tend to be those lacking the most in personal relationships – and I can't remember ever before coming across someone with your talent who most of their classmates and peers wouldn't sneer happily at them for failing. I admit that that in itself made me more curious about you, but it also gives you an edge a lot of others with your talent don't have – your heart makes people believe in you. You have people who will come to your aid and speak on your behalf, people who believe in your talent and in you…to be able to capture people's hearts is something every Broadway perform needs, and it is often the hardest thing to learn to do because the majority of stars have spent a long time detaching themselves from friends and heartfelt emotions in order to be able to succeed.'

Rachel could feel the tears behind her eyes as she said thank you and once again assured Carmen Tibideaux that neither she, nor her heart, would let her down.

'I hope not Miss Berry.' She replied, 'because this is the last chance you will get. And it is not me you'll be letting down if you fail again. It is the girl in the yellow dress and the boy who believes so strongly in your talent and it is yourself Miss Berry. I will survive whether you do or do not succeed. I will see you in September.'

'Yes…September.' Rachel muttered as she heard the phone click on the other end and the line go dead.

She sat there in silence for a long time, not quite believing everything she had just heard. She was desperately trying to process it. She had got in, she had done it…and not because of her talent alone, but because of Tina and Jesse? Tina and Jesse of all people….

And because of her heart?

That part she also found hard to process. That she had the shot of a lifetime because people actually cared about her…despite all her selfish tendencies, her annoying habits and her drama queen behaviour her Glee companions still cared for her and saw something more than just her pathological need for fame and stardom, and that overall was what had won her her NYDA place?

The realisation that it was Jesse that had really tipped the scales in her favour was the hardest part to really take in. That he had done for her in a few minutes what no one else had ever done for her pulled at her heart. She knew he teased her before Nationals as a way of flaring up her competitive nature. He knew her, he knew she needed that to make her brilliant – to make her shine on stage. And it had worked. But then he'd gone beyond that, he'd spoken for her and placed all his belief in her…he'd put her above of himself. It was humbling and confusing all at once.

But one thing was for sure, she was going to make sure she repaid him and his belief in her, that she repaid everyone's belief in her. Her dad's unwavering support throughout the years, Mr Shue's constant patience with her and the rest of the group, Finn's utter belief that she was a star and born to shine, Tina's selfless proclamation that she was exceptional, Kurt's unbelievable friendship and understanding, and the rest of the group – there constant forgiveness and the way they looked past her faults and accepted her for who she was, even when she perhaps didn't deserve it. And Jesse, for giving her the greatest gift of all.

She would not mess it up again, come high or high water she was going to prove to them that she had what it took – and when she finally made it she was going to make sure she made it absolutely clear to the whole world that this funny bunch of people, this makeshift family, were the ones that helped to get her there.

* * *

Excluding her dads the first three people Rachel told about her NYDA were Kurt, Finn and Mr Shue.

Kurt had probably been the most ecstatic for her, grabbing her hands and jumping around with her to celebrate their achievement. He'd been over the moon that he was no longer going to NYDA or New York alone, and that he'd have Rachel there with him as they'd been planning and as it should be, but more than anything he was happy _for her._ She'd done it, despite everything she'd still managed to show NYDA that there was something they'd be missing out on if it weren't for Rachel Berry.

Mr Shue had been thrilled, but what really touched him was Rachel's proclamation that it was mainly all down to him that this had happened. She vaguely told him about how it was her 'heart' that had won out for her in the end, although she left out the Jesse detail – as indebted as she was too him, and as much as she wished she could tell people what he had done for her, it wasn't her secret to tell – but she did tell Mr Shue that she wouldn't have become the slightly more caring and selfless person if it wasn't for him. He'd taught her how to be a real team player.

Finn had probably been the least excited out of the three. It wasn't that he wasn't happy for her, she knew he was, but she also knew that he was aware that this would change things again. Now she was going to New York for sure and no matter how pleased for her he was, it came with a bittersweet feeling of change.

Then she'd told all of her Glee club members at a BBQ they were having to mark the end of term. Mr Shue had asked everyone to be quite for a minute while Rachel made an announcement. As she'd got up to speak Rachel couldn't wipe the smile off her face, even though Santana was making jokes at her expense and Brittany seemed too distracted trying to work out how the ice cubes in her drink were star shaped rather than just regular shaped to listen to her.

'I wanted you all to know that I received a phone call two days ago' she started, before searching out Tina's eyes in the crowd and smiling broadly at her, 'from Madame Tibideaux saying I'd got a place at NYDA' her smiled became even wider than it already was as everyone suddenly stopped fidgeting and paid attention to her as she said the next line, 'and I couldn't have done it without any of you. When Madame Tibideaux called me she said she wasn't offering me my place solely because of my talent or my dedication, as millions of other people could easily replace me if that was all it was, but because of my heart and for friends that spoke up for me. I know Tina is a major reason why I got my NYDA place, but you all played a part. I've come to love each and every one of you as crazy as it seems…even you Santana. Truth is you put up with my diva ways, you brought me back down to earth when I got too big headed, you included me in things and you helped me to see that my heart and my emotions are part of what makes me a star, just as much as my dedication and my passion and my sheer determination. So thank you, and know that I'm going to be on Broadway some day and win a Tony award, and when I do the people I'll have to thank will be you and I hope each and every one of you is in the audience to hear it.'

She finished her speech to a round of applause, noting that Quinn, Kurt and Tina had tears in their eyes. And then before any of them really knew it they were all engulfed into a glee group hug,

After they broke apart Rachel grabbed Tina pulling her to a corner to give her her own personal thank you. She told her she'd never be able to fully repay her for convincing her to seek out Carmen Tibideaux herself, or for going with her, or for speaking up for her talent when they got there. But Tina assured her she didn't need repaying; she just needed Rachel to remember her when she was a big star.

'You bet your life on it.' She said as she hugged the younger girl.

About an hour later everyone was leaving to go get pancakes and check out a local band in concert.

'You coming Rach?' Finn asked putting his arm around her.

'Can you give me an hour or so? I'll meet you there…I just have something I need to do first.'

'Sure.' He said leaning down and kissing her, before going to re-join the other.

She took one long deep breath to steady herself. She had one more person to go and see, one more thank you to give, she just had no idea how she could ever truly give it to him….how she could make him see what a truly wonderful thing he'd done for her.

* * *

Rachel stood outside the doors leading to the Carmel High Auditorium and tried to steady her beating heart. She knew without a doubt that that was where she'd find him, probably at the piano. He was, if nothing else, her male alter ego.

Although she was nervous about this meeting she knew it had to be done, she would never be able to live with herself if she went to New York knowing what he did for her but never acknowledging that fact to him. So she pulled open the door slowly.

As she predicted he was at the piano playing, singing something she didn't recognise, and he didn't seem to be aware that he was no longer alone. He carried on with the melody.

She couldn't help being struck by how beautiful the lyrics seemed to be as he played.

'_Before I close the chapter to your name_

_There's a couple things I never got to say_

_Your eyes are wonderful_

_And your smile is too_

_Your laughs contagious _

_And your heart is true_

_There's beauty in your touch_

_And your kiss is love – '_

'Jesse' she cut across his playing. As much as Rachel wanted to hear more of the beautiful ballad she didn't have that much time, and the longer she stood there listening to him play the more she wondered about what she was really going to say and felt her resolve falling.

He stopped instantly and turned towards her.

'Rachel, what are you doing here?' he questioned.

She smiled and said, 'I got a call a couple of days ago….I got into NYDA.'

For a split second Jesse's face conveyed the pure joy he felt for her, before he plastered back on his game face.

'Oh what and you thought you'd come all the way to Carmel just to share that? Is your life really that void of meaningful relationships Rachel that I'm the person you wanted to share that news with?'

He was a good actor that was for sure, he genuinely seemed to be trying to goad her because of dislike or some other emotion. But Rachel new better, and she was perceptive, she saw the split second look of delight – others might miss it it had come and gone that fast, but she saw it.

'No actually I thought I'd come and thank you.' She replied, totally un-phased by his reaction.

Jesse got up from the piano and walked over to some sheet music on the far corner of the stage, a clever move to keep his back to her, and spoke as he did so, 'Thank me for what? I didn't do anything Rach…in case you missed the bulletin I am not in charge of admissions at NYDA. Although I would agree that your talent was merely mediocre until you met me and I managed to bring a certain amount of polish to your performances. '

Rachel merely rolled her eyes at his back before responding, 'Well it turns out Carmen was impressed by my ability to stir people's emotions. She was particularly struck by the fact that not only did Tina speak for me, but that someone who'd auditioned for her two years ago would chase after her at Nationals to convince her not of his own talent, but of mine.'

'I don't know what you're on about Rachel.' Jesse said, but the way the muscles in his back tensed a little gave him away.

'Jesse' Rachel said stepping forward to put a hand on his back and turn him to face her, 'why won't you just admit that it was you? I know it wasn't anyone else….' She said stubbornly.

'Fine' he finally said, looking into her eyes as he did so, 'it was me.' He admitted

Rachel smiled at him and nodded her head before asking the question that had been bugging her since she found out about what he did.

'Why did you do it Jesse?'

'Because I believe in you and I always have.' He ran his fingers through is hair, a clear sign he was nervous, before he asked 'do you remember when I told you I wanted to make all your dreams come true?'

Rachel nodded wordlessly. It was the kind of thing that is hard to forget.

'Well that was true, and it still is. I was just making sure I did whatever I could to help you achieve those dreams Rachel.'

'Jesse' she said, unsure of how to take his admission. But she stepped forward and hugged him tightly before whispering 'thank you.'

He pulled away and smiled at her ruefully. Rachel looked down, she wasn't sure that asking the next question would be smart, but she had to know.

'Why do you still want to make my dreams come true Jesse, apart from just believing in me?'

'I care about you Rachel and I probably always will and I want you to succeed. Plus if you can't make it than no one can…I need to know you are on your way to stardom or what hope do I have? What hope do any of us have if you can't make it? And I think the world would be missing out if they were denied the talent of Rachel Berry.'

'Jesse…I….I'll always care about you too. I love Finn, I really do, but what there was between the two of us, whether it was real or not, it doesn't really matter because at the end of the day you got me, in a way no one else ever has. What I have with Finn, I know it is real, but what I had with you – that was different to anything I'll ever have again. You'll always understand a part of me that other people don't get and you'll always be with me Jesse, in my heart, whenever I'm on stage performing there will be a little piece of you inside of me making me great. Even after I'm married to Finn' Rachel choked out.

He merely nodded sadly. He hadn't really expected any different. She was marrying Finn, of course she loved him. But still, he'd take what he could get.

'I hope he makes you happy.' He said after a few seconds on silence.

This time it was Rachel's turned to cry and nod. Before she took a long breath and asked, 'so what is next for you? Are you going to coach Vocal Adrenaline for another year?'

Jesse laughed before answering, 'No they asked me too but it's not where my heart is and I've out grown Vocal Adrenaline. I'll always be grateful for what it gave me, but I can't help thinking I'm destined for bigger things.'

'I'm inclined to agree' said Rachel smiling, 'so what's the plan?'

'I'm not sure yet. I'm thinking about London though…you can take Broadway and I'll take the West End–'

'And between us we'll rule theatre land?' Rachel cut over, causing both of them to laugh.

'Something like that.' Jesse said as he put an arm around her.

'Thank you Jesse. Really, what you did for me it was more than anyone else has ever done for me. If there is ever anything I can do for you to repay you, just let me know.'

'Well there is one thing?'

'Anything'

'Sing with me' he said, picking up a piece of sheet music and handing it to her. She smiled sadly as she saw the song, bittersweet indeed she thought as she saw it.

As the ballad started Rachel couldn't help the soulful glances she shot Jesse's way. Yes a part of her would always carry him with her.

_Summer after high school, when we first met_

_We'd make out in your Mustang to Radiohead_

_And on my 18th Birthday_

_We got matching tattoos_

He smiled at her before he started in on the song too

_Grabbed a bunch of blankets_

_And climbed to the roof_

_We'd talk about our future_

_like we had a clue_

_Never planned that one day_

_I'd be losing you_

_And in another life,_

_I would be your girl_

_We'd keep for our promises_

_Be us against the world_

_And in other life,_

_I would make you stay_

_So I don't have to say_

_You were the one that got away_

_The one that got away_

_I was June and you were my Johnny Cash_

_Never one without the other _

_We made a pact_

_Sometimes when I miss you,_

_I put those records on_

_Someone said you had your tattoo removed_

_I saw you downtown singing the blues_

_It's time to face the music_

_I'm no longer your muse_

_And in another life_

_You would be my girl_

_We'd keep full our promises_

_Be us against the world_

_And in another life,_

_I would make you stay_

_So I don't have to say_

_You were the one that got away_

_The one that got away_

_The one _

_The one_

_The one_

_That got away_

_All this money can't buy me a time machine (Noo)_

_Can't replace you with a million rings (Noo)_

_Shoulda told you what you meant to me (Whoa)_

_Cause now I pay the price_

Their eyes met again for the final chorus and Rachel felt something pull tightly in her chest.

_And in another life,_

_I would be your girl (You would be my girl)_

_We'd keep for our promises_

_Be us against the world_

_And in another life,_

_I would make you stay_

_So I don't have to say_

_You were the one that got away_

_The one that got away_

_The one (away)_

_The one_

_The one_

_The one that got away_

As the final bar of music hummed to a finish Rachel turned to face Jesse, smiling sadly at him.

'Don't be sad Rach' Jesse said, 'You're going to do amazing things and the world doesn't stand a chance. Remember I'm with you…and I promise now no matter where I am or what is going on in my life I won't miss your first opening night on Broadway. No matter what piece of rubbish you are playing the chorus line in. And then I'll be there when you play Eva Peron, Funny Girl and Laurey in Oklahoma. No matter what our history is, I'm rooting for you. And remember you singing 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina' in front of a sold-out crowd is not a fantasy. It's an inevitability.'

Rachel laughed at the memory despite the tears she hadn't realised were falling. And Jesse smiled.

'Come here' he said as he pulled her in for one last hug.

'The one that got away huh?' she whispered as she closed her eyes against the emotions crashing over her.

'Yeah the one that got away.' He whispered back.

She pulled back and looked at him before her eyes met his fiercely.

'A part of me loves you Jesse and it always will.' She whispered before she leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. Nothing more than that, a chaste, perfect, last kiss.

Before she turned and ran out of the auditorium, tears falling.

Jesse was left standing there with a hand on his lips where she'd kissed them and huge pain in his chest. Rachel was and always would be the only girl he really, truly loved. She was the only thing worth giving up his own opportunities for – and he had no regrets for chasing after Carmen for her. He didn't even regret being so civil to Finn Hudson. If he was who Rachel was going to choose, then he wasn't going to upset her or give Finn the satisfaction of knowing how much it hurt him.

Deep down he thought Rachel was making a mistake with Finn. Of course he did, aside from the fact she was 18 and had such a bright future ahead of her, he knew she would never truly quite reach all her potential if she stayed with him. He would hold her back, unintentionally no doubt, but he still would. But it was Rachel's life and Jesse wanted all her dreams to come true, if marrying Finn Hudson was one of those then it wasn't his place to get in the way of that.

He sighed as he sat back down at the piano and played a couple of the keys absentmindedly, 'the one that got away' he murmured.


	2. Someone's Watching Over Me

**Hi guys, after my lovely reviews I kind of couldn't resist carrying on with this story. I wasn't planning on updating again so quickly, but it just seemed like I couldn't remove this from my thoughts.  
**

**This is a little bit different from what you might expect. There isn't any Rachel at all, apart from a few mentions about what knowing her has really done for Jesse. Really for the most part it is about Jesse and where he came from before VA and why it is he puts on such a bravado when he can be incredibly sweet. I promise though, for the most part in future chapters, he will still be slightly big headed - but in a more loving way - kind of like our own Rachel Berry.**

**After this the story is gonig to start skipping along a bit as well.**

**Disclaimer - I do not own Glee, or else Rachel would be ending up with someone completely different in the long run...I also do not own the song, it is by Hilary Duff (don't judge me, it was perfect for this chapter) check it out on youtube if you need the full effect for the story.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Jesse wasn't sure how long he sat at the piano aimlessly running his fingers over the keys after Rachel left. He was trying desperately to block out the thoughts in his head, the memories that music could usually help him supress – but tonight, tonight his magical memory cure just wasn't working.

He wondered again whether London was really where he wanted to go. It wasn't as if he didn't have the contact list to be able to find himself somewhere at a good performing arts university either in the UK, the US, or somewhere else in the world. After all four years being the front man for America's biggest show choir didn't come without its benefits. And judging by the baskets of stage memorabilia and brochures he still received it wasn't like any of that appeal he had had back then had diminished over the last two years. He'd also applied for a number of summer courses at some of London's leading schools and he had a large bunch of acceptances piling up at home. So it wasn't as if the London dream was a spare of the moment idea, it had been with him since the age of 14 in all honesty – but the reason it had always appealed to him was also the reason he'd always been too chicken to really take the chance.

At first it had been easy to ignore London's call….after all he had an all-expenses paid ride to UCLA, but then he'd failed at that. Since then he'd been jumping onto any performances related role he could to avoid the London idea…and as much as he was wishing the piano and music could block out the memories of the reason why he wanted to avoid the London idea he just couldn't hide from them tonight. He wasn't sure if it was because he had seen Rachel, and she'd been the first real person to have been successful at breaking through the zombie like wall Vocal Adrenaline had managed to install in him, or just because he was aware that the only other person except for her that he'd been able to drop his wall of steel for was returning to Lima tomorrow, but whatever it was his mind was thinking and that was something he never liked. Jesse's mind wasn't designed to think, it was there to spout bravado and to instruct his body how own the stage…_not think…_but think it did.

It wasn't supposed to be like this, Jesse wasn't supposed to be here playing melancholy music on the piano because he was feeling any kind of emotion. He'd felt the crushing wave of heartache once before in his life and he'd promised himself then that he would never again allow himself to feel that…he'd been 14 at the time and it had been that experience that had really led him to Vocal Adrenaline, because there he could get lost in music, whilst at the same time being encouraged to become a soulless automaton as Giselle had so wonderfully put it after New Directions had Funked them. And at the time he had needed that, he had needed to focus so much on his talent and ignore everything else – ignore relationships, friendship,_ emotion – _because he knew more than anyone right then the way those things could tear your world apart. It had worked as well, Jesse had totally blocked out the past, it had been perfect, or so he thought – until Shelby asked him to do what he did leading him to meet Rachel. Then something had happened, he started to remember what it felt to have actual feelings, and not the kind you invoke just to win some show…and it had scared the hell out of him.

He'd spent so long perfecting this persona of Jesse St James, he'd blocked out all the painful memories, and no one in Vocal Adrenaline – not even Shelby – could imagine he had anything but a cold black heart beneath his exterior. They had no reason to suspect that perhaps he had a past of heartache and blackness behind him, because he'd worked damn hard to forget it and worked darn hard to make sure people, even himself, thought he was nothing short of the Jesse St James people saw two years ago…and maybe he was. Could he call it method acting? Can you be a method actor for that long…at what point does it cease to become acting and at what point does that persona become who you are? And was he acting? He had wanted to shut down every emotion except competitiveness and pride – so maybe he really had become the Vocal Adrenaline Jesse everyone saw.

But Rachel, Rachel had broken through it. She had stirred something in him, some distant memory. And although he had run from it, gone back to Vocal Adrenaline, punished Rachel for causing him to _love _by egging her and ultimately betraying her_, _it had not been enough to take back what she had undone. She had undone a secret compartment he'd packed his heart away in a long time ago, and although he had wanted to forget what it felt like to feel anything for real it had started to crop up everywhere else. That summer after winning his fourth National title he'd been plagued by guilt, guilt of all things. Guilt for the way he'd treated her, guilt for lying to her…guilt for everything. And remorse, that had been a hard emotion to ride for so long, but he had. He regretted what he did to her and he regretted breaking her trust…he had loved her, and he had run from that and resented her for that and then he'd just been left with regret.

That summer had also opened his eyes to a whole other wave of emotions, as that was the first summer he really paid the proper emotional attention to Mary. The kind of emotional attention he should have been giving over the 4 years previous to that.

He had discovered then that there was something worse than feeling emotions of regret and guilt towards Rachel…there was the guilt and remorse you feel for ignoring the one person you swore to protect. Luckily for him Mary was quick to forgive. Not that he could blame her, she was young and starved for attention. That was part of the reason why he'd also wanted to avoid London. Whilst Mary and he may only have a couple of weeks in the summer in which to talk and have a proper relationship it was better than nothing…and it felt like it would be easier to keep alive – even if he was in LA. They could both come home during the summer and spend time together, making up for lost time. If he spent this summer in London he would miss that – and he would miss goodness knows how many more if he finally took the plunge. Plus there was something comforting in knowing he was in the same country as she was if anything went wrong, somehow it felt like he'd have more control if she needed him quickly, even though he might be millions of miles away. At least there wouldn't be an ocean separating them…

But as he sat at the piano now and thought about why she had been so quick to respond to his attention after 4 years of segregation he could feel the waves of regret crashing all over him once again. If he left now would she be able to forgive him this time? Would she understand?

Slowly he removed his right hand from the keys and felt in his back pocket for the battered up old letter he carried everywhere with him. It was there, as he knew it would be. He closed his eyes as he finally allowed those memories that had chased him everywhere for the last two years since Rachel opened that locked section of his heart to wash over him once more, and as they did he thought about London.

London was where he belonged, it was where_ she_ had studied and had her moment of glory. It was what had made her great in his eyes and he just knew in the pit of his soul it was what was one day going to make him great. He could picture her in his mind now as if he had seen her yesterday. He could almost hear her calling to him as well, advising him that maybe it was time to give London a shot, and telling him not to be afraid to feel – that although opening your heart meant taking a risk of allowing it to get broken, it also meant you'd be open to the opportunity to fall in love.

He opened his eyes and exhaled. Yes, London was where he belonged, but before he left he'd have to make sure he did everything he could for Mary. He'd have to make sure he brought her home, and he'd have to explain to her in person why it was he was leaving her whilst at the same time showing her how much she really did mean to him.

* * *

Jesse sat in his car outside a beautiful four story house he had the privilege of having grown up in up until the age of 15 when he had finally moved in with is uncle. He was desperately trying to work out what he was going to say, what words he was going to use to convince his dad that this was the right decision. He wasn't sure there was a perfect line he could use, or that there was a right answer as to how you convince your father you know what is better for his own children than he does…all Jesse knew was he had to do this.

But before he did he had to read that crumpled letter in his back pocket, he'd carried it around all these years but he hadn't read it again after the first time at the age of 14. But now the Vocal Adrenaline clone he had become was slowly slipping away from him and he felt it was time that he did this, he had to remember her words and allow himself to feel the full force of them again…and he had to try finding the Jesse he used to be and try merging him into the Jesse he had become in order to find the right balance between the two.

He closed his eyes for a fraction of a second before opening them and opening the letter, soaking up every word and every piece of her that remained.

_My dearest Jesse_

_Right now you are hurting and I know that you do not understand why I have had to leave and why I have been taken from you. Perhaps you never will. I can only begin to imagine the kind of heartache that growing up without a mother is going to bring you, but know this my darling, know that it breaks my heart just as much as it does yours. I think about leaving everything I have, your father, you and Mary, I think about never seeing my two beautiful children grown, and it cuts me deeper than anyone can ever imagine._

_I wish I had been given more time, more warning that the end was coming. I can't help thinking that if I had known I was ill for a longer period of time I would have at least been able to bring some more comfort to you…to give you something more than a couple of months of devotion and a measly note for after I am gone. However there is no use wishing things that cannot be, it is what it is and I can't spend whatever precious time I have wishing for something else and ignoring what time I do have with you._

_Know this my darling boy, you have music in your heart. You light up the room with the emotion you convey and the way you let your heart show on your sleeve whenever you perform. You know my past in musical theatre and you know my passion, so believe me when I say you have such a bright future ahead of you. I hope that after I am gone your love of performing does not die with me, however should you ever choose a different path know that I am proud of you and I am behind you 100%, you are young and it may be one day you discover there is another way for you, a way that wasn't previously mine. Please if that ever happens do not be worried that you are somehow dishonouring me by following your heart, you are not my darling boy, on the contrary you are helping to make all my dreams come true…because my hope, my dying wish, is that my children find whatever it is that makes them happy and that they live a long and good life._

_But whatever you do Jesse, please do not give up music when I am gone, even if it is just for fun. I see the way it makes you light up, I see it every time you perform in a school musical and every time we sing together in the kitchen or in the car or in my studio…your soul has a rhythm of its own, so please, please, please do not block that out when I am gone. I do not want my passing to be something that takes all the joy out of your life. So please carry on making music for pleasure, if for nothing else do it for me and my memory and because I no longer can. _

_Please look after Mary when I am gone. I confess it breaks my heart every time I imagine leaving her. She is so young that I worry she will suffer in ways you will not when I am gone. But I take comfort in knowing that you have promised to protect her and look out for her as she grows older. That she will have you to guide her and protect her strengthens my weak heart in these dark times. I also know you will do everything to keep me in her memory. _

_Be good to your father and listen to him. He is wise and he loves the two of you so, I know it will be hard on you both after I am gone but please take strength from each other._

_Finally by happy my beautiful boy, I have no doubt that whatever you do you will go far – you put so much heart and soul into everything you do – and I also know that one day, when the time is right, you are going to meet a beautiful girl who is going to help you make all your dreams come true. Know that I am with you each and every day, whenever you sing, or play the piano, or laugh, or fall in love…I am with you Jesse. Just because you can't see me anymore doesn't mean I am not there. You carry me in your heart, just as I carry you in mine._

_All my love forever my darling, sweet, beautiful boy_

_Your mother _

_Xxx_

Jesse took a deep breath as he finished reading the letter, trying to calm his emotions, trying to help stop some of the tears from falling. The letter was almost exactly the same as he had remembered, beautiful and bittersweet and full of longing for a life and a family that was denied, and Jesse could feel the scratching of wounds he thought he had fixed years ago. But he knew he hadn't really fixed them, none of them had. Becoming a soulless member of Vocal Adrenaline hadn't stopped him from feeling real emotion in the long run, just as being a workaholic who tried to avoid the two people who reminded him most of his wife hadn't done much for his father over the years, and being shipped off to boarding school 10 months out of the year definitely hadn't helped Mary. They were all just running from the ghost, and they'd been doing so for so long that Jesse wondered if there was ever any real way to get back.

But he knew one thing, they had to try. He had to try. And going to London, going to where his mother had studied and where her show dreams had come true, well that was the place for him to start. But before he left he had to work on making sure his father and his sister started too.

He climbed out of the car and walked up the driveway, putting his key in the lock and walking into the house soundlessly. He knew where he'd find his father, without a doubt he'd be working in the study. Jesse also knew he would probably not look too kindly on his son just popping in at such a time, he'd become to stuck in the habit of only seeing him every Friday for dinner while he was at school, and then mostly when Mary was around…so recently his father only seemed to like the habit of only seeing his children during the summer months, and even then he tried to see as little of them as possible. But Jesse didn't care about that right now, what he cared about was trying to get through to his dad in whatever small way he could.

As he climes the stairs leading to the first floor and the study Jesse was struck by the memory of telling Will Shuester some random line about his 'parents' and his 'siblings' during his time as a show choir consultant...and he laughed. He couldn't help it, he laughed at the memory, and the way he could so easily project this Jesse St James persona. Maybe it really was him.

He was the performer after all, the lead, the star in the making. And he had no qualms with the way he acted 98% of the time…he did what he had to do to get there, to get the national's titles, to make his dreams come true…just as his mother had wanted him to do. He just wished he hadn't been so hell bent on not caring about anyone that was all. That was his one weakness, that and trying to hide the fact that before Vocal Adrenaline he was human enough to feel an intense amount of pain and indeed had done so. It wasn't a shameful thing to admit, so why did he hide it? Because it shamed him to think about how he'd ignored Mary after his mother's death despite his promise to her? Because of the shame of thinking about what his mother would have to say if she could see how he had treated Rachel, when her only crimes had been to have a three way music video and to have unlocked his heart? Maybe even shame for the way he made no attempts to connect to his father either and whether his mother would say they both had their own share of the blame for that…?

Whatever it was Jesse didn't have time to dissect it, because before he could pick it all apart his dad appeared on the landing, a look of shock and mild annoyances playing on his face.

'Jesse what are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you, Mary isn't home until tomorrow…and you scared the daylights out of me making so much noise out here.'

Jesse grimaced on the inside.

'Hello to you too dad. I know Mary isn't home yet, she is kind of what I wanted to speak to you about. Well that and I have some news of my own to share with you,' Jesse said as he climbed the remaining stairs and went straight into his father's study flopping down into the chair across from his dad's desk, the exact chair he'd occupied on so many similar meetings over the past few years. It was oddly comforting, this rather formal interview style way of talking.

His dad followed him in, resuming his recently vacated seat on the other side of the desk and pinching the bridge of his nose as he instructed Jesse to continue with what it was he needed to say.

'Well firstly I've made a decision about my life, an important one.' He looked over to see his dad nodding in acknowledgement and prompting him to continue, 'I'm going to go to London to train professionally in musical theatre. Deep down I think it is always where I have wanted to go, I think I just kept putting it off because I was worried about the emotions it might bring up over mum's death – not just in myself but in you and Mary too. It is after all where she went when she was young and dreaming of stardom. But I can't do it anymore; I can't keep hiding from myself or from my dreams or putting off what I want because every little thing might hold some kind of reminder of her memory.'

'I see' his dad said in a deadpan tone before asking 'and when do you plan on leaving?'

'In a week' Jesse said without hesitating, 'I've applied to a few performing arts summer programmes and I've had quite a few keen responses. I've had one I am particularly keen to take up, but that starts in a little over a week.'

'I see and I am assuming Mary does not yet know of your plan?'

'No…you know her boarding school frowns upon outside contact during the academic year. And besides, I'd rather tell her in person. I don't want her to think I am just going to start ignoring her again or that I want to leave to get away from her, so I need to explain this properly in person.'

'I agree that is the smartest move…and Jesse, for what my opinion is worth I believe you are making a very smart decision about your future and I know your mother would be very proud with the decision you have made.' His father said.

Jesse looked up then, he hadn't really expected that reaction and it gave him a glimmer of something he hadn't felt in a long time to hear his father say he was on his side.

'Thanks' he replied after a few seconds of being afraid to speak unless he shattered the illusion, he then led straight into what he thought was going to be the harder of the two conversations – the one regarding Mary.

'In regards to Mary, I really think it is time she came home. I know you're her father and you thought you were doing what was best for her after mum died because of how confusing everything was, and then I know having her around was hard…it was hard on me too – she resembled so much of what was lost, but her place is here dad. She is miserable there; you know it just as well as I do. And she'll be old enough to start high school next year so really now is the perfect time to make the change.'

'Jesse I know you mean well but this really isn't your place –' his dad began, before Jesse cut over him.

'Yes it is my place. She is my sister and I feel like I have the right to speak up for her welfare. I love her just as much as you do, and I know this is hard for you, but shutting Mary away forever is not going to bring mum back, nor is it going to vanish her memory or the pain. What we do, this family, is run from everything that is hard – and it isn't healthy. We've spent years putting up barriers to avoid those things that make us feel, that confirm we're human. Christ we don't even mention mum anymore, there are no photographs of her anywhere? None of her musical programmes from her show days are around anymore and that studio of hers has been bolted shut ever since she died. It is like some kind of weird shrine to her that we can't go in, but we can't get rid of it either.'

'Jesse that is quite enough.' His dad bellowed

'Fine I'll stop. But answer me this, is that what you think she would want? Mary millions of miles away from us and miserable?' Jesse asked hotly.

Once again his dad pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes as he did so and letting in a shaky breath. The two of them sat there in silence for a few minutes and Jesse was contemplating just getting up and leaving, but then his father spoke. Softly and sadly he said, 'You are right. That place is not where your mother would want Mary and if she is as miserable as you say then of course she can come home and start high school here…it is just…hard to work out how to be around her. It wasn't easy with you but you were already her age when your mother passed, and it was easier to have a boy. To have young girl and without your mother's help to guide me…I am worried that I will mess up and it would be better for her if she stayed there,'

'Dad' Jesse said as he reached out and took his hand lightly, touched by the real emotion and fear in his father's words, 'you're not doing it without mum you know? She is with you…you just have to trust that voice in your head that sounds like her.'

His dad smiled and nodded. They talked about unimportant things for the next half an hour, things that would distract both of them from the fact they'd just had their most meaningful conversation in over five years. Then Jesse got up to leave, saying he'd swing by tomorrow to see Mary and to talk to her.

* * *

By the time Jesse got there the following day Mary had already unpacked her things and their father had spoken to her about whether or not she wanted to move back home for good. She had, of course, jumped at this chance. And she threw her arms around her big brother when he finally showed up, thankful for the part that he played in securing this and thrilled they'd be nearer to each other from now on.

That killed Jesse, having to sit her down and explain that after finally securing her return to Lima for good he was leaving her. At first she had thought he wanted to go because she was coming home, and for a long time no amount of protests to the contrary from Jesse would persuade her otherwise. In the end she stormed out and Jesse decided it would be better to try giving her some space.

When she wasn't back after an hour he couldn't wait any longer and followed her out into the back garden. He found her by the lake that they used to play in as children, just sitting there allowing the water to lap at her feet where she dangled them.

'You going to talk to me about how you are feeling?' he asked as he sat down next to her gingerly.

'I'm just…sad. I mean in the last few years we haven't exactly talked a lot, what with me being away and you being too focused on your show choir life, and then one day you suddenly cared and it was amazing. And now dad wants me to come home and I guess I just thought finally this was my chance to be part of a proper family.' She said after a few minutes.

'Hey you are part of a proper family. My leaving won't change that.' Jesse protested.

Mary looked over at him and rolled her eyes before speaking, 'Oh really. And how much have we spoken in the last few years? I mean we go ten months without seeing or speaking to each other, and then over the summer we have a couple of weeks together if that. Do you really think moving across the ocean to London is going to make that any better?'

'Yes I do, we'll be able to talk more now you are out of that ridiculous school. I'll phone you and you can phone me and we'll SKPYE. And I'll come home to see you and you can come to London to see me. I promise you I am not going to suddenly stop caring again Mary, I'm your big brother and I am here to act like it.' Jesse replied, putting his arm around her and bringing her in for a hug.

'You promise?' she whispered nervously.

'You bet you. My going to London has nothing to do with me wanting to leave you…it just has to do with me following my path and doing what mum would have wanted me to do.'

Mary nodded to show she understood and Jesse stood, reaching for her hand and pulling her up.

'Come on, you're going to need your sheet music for where we're going.' He said as he started to drag her back towards the house.

* * *

'Jesse we can't go in there.' Mary tried to reason as they stood outside the door, nerves racing through her at the idea of pushing it open.

'Sure we can' he said as he reached for the handle and pushed it open.

To Jesse the room stood exactly as it was, exactly as he remembered it being all those years ago before his father had closed it for good. As he walked through it was if he could feel a part of her still there, it was almost strong enough to make him believe she had just got up from playing the piano for a second and would be back from wherever she had gone in no time to resume the piece currently lying open on top.

As he sat down at the keys he turned his face to his sister and smiled at her as a way of encouragement. Gingerly she stepped up to him and stood by the side of the piano.

'Do you have a piece of music for us then?' he asked as he touched the keys absentmindedly.

She confirmed that she did and passed him the song she had chosen. It was worth it just to see the look on his face.

'Hilary Duff…you seriously expect me to sing this with you?' he turned to look at her, his eyes wide in terror.

She laughed at him before rolling her eyes, 'You said I could choose anything. And the song seemed fitting, you know in remembrance of our mother, and well…you know you'll kill it and do a better version than she does anyway so does it really matter?'

'This song should be arrested for the crime of sucking.' He muttered, once again having another weird New Directions filled flashback, 'but what do I expect when I let my not yet 15 year old younger sister choose the song. I guess I brought teenybopper crap on myself?'

'I guess you did….now play will you.' She teased back, whacking him on the head for good measure.

Jesse obliged, playing the melody out on the piano he'd first learnt to play on.

_Found myself today_

_Oh I found myself and ran away_

_Something pulled me back_

_The voice of reason I forgot I had_

_All I know is you're not here to say_

_What you always used to say_

_But it's written in the sky tonight_

_So I won't give up_

_No I won't break down_

_Sooner than it seems life turns around_

_And I will be strong_

_Even if it all goes wrong_

_When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe_

_Someone's watching over me_

At that moment Mary looked over at her brother and smiled and Jesse knew he'd done the right thing. Accepting his summer performing arts placement in London, speaking to his dad about Mary, opening his mother's music studio after so long…

_Seen that ray of light_

_And it's shining on my destiny_

_Shining all the time_

_And I won't be afraid_

_To follow everywhere it's taking me_

_All I know is yesterday is gone_

_And right now I belong_

_To this moment to my dreams_

Just then the door creaked open and their dad came in. Both Jesse and Mary faltered, aware that he had kept this room shut for so long for a reason, but to their surprise he merely sat down and said 'please, carry on.'

And so they did.

_So I won't give up_

_No I won't break down_

_Sooner than it seems life turns around_

_And I will be strong_

_Even if it all goes wrong_

_When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe_

_Someone's watching over me_

_It doesn't matter what people say_

_And it doesn't matter how long it takes_

_Believe in yourself and you'll fly high_

_And it only matters how true you are_

_Be true to yourself and follow your heart_

_So I won't give up_

_No I won't break down_

_Sooner than it seems life turns around_

_And I will be strong_

_Even if it all goes wrong_

_When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe_

_That I won't give up_

_No I won't break down_

_Sooner than it seems life turns around_

_And I will be strong_

_Even when it all goes wrong_

_When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe_

_That someone's watching over_

_Someone's watching over_

_Someone's watching over me_

_Someone's watching over me_

At the end of the song their father stood up and came over to them, placing an unsure hand on Mary's shoulder he said, 'that was beautiful. It has been far too long since proper music was made in this house…so thank you.'

Jesse and Mary smiled before saying that he was welcome.

'Jesse?' his dad whispered.

'Yes?'

'I'm sorry you could never play here and you felt you had to stay with your Uncle Edward to make the most out of your show choir career during in High School.'

Jesse nodded, slightly touched by his father's own admission of guilt over his decision to move out back then.

'Don't worry about it. As long as Mary can make music here then I'll be happy.'

'Of course she can. It is what your mother would have wanted.' He turned to leave before turning back to his son, curiosity getting the better of him and making him ask the next question.

'What was it, what prompted you after all these years to come in here? To ask me about bringing Mary home..? To decide it was time to stop running away from London?'

Jesse smiled before softly saying 'Rachel…'


	3. Without You

**Here is chapter three which is basically the break up point for Finn and Rachel. I felt they were at least owed that...both Jesse and Rachel will be feautured in the next chapter.**

**Disclaimer - I do not own Glee and the song is Without You by Hinder, check it out on Youtube for the full effect of the chapter.**

* * *

Six months in New York felt like coming home to Rachel. Finally no small town to hold her back, finally a chance to make her voice heard to those that mattered. There was only one drawback, in Lima and in McKinley she had been the star, the leading lady, she'd had no competition. In a small town it is easy to be the one that shines the brightest, but in a city like New York Rachel was just one of many. But rather than that holding her back it just pushed her forward, making her work even harder…now she was this close to achieving her dreams she was determined there was no way she was going to let someone else outshine her.

She was thankful for Kurt. He'd been with her every step of the way, from the first night when they'd arrived, to their first day of orientation and their first lesson. The two of them had agreed that rather than staying in the accommodation offered by NYADA they would find a place to live together, somewhere Finn could live with them too when he was able to finally come and join them. It made the most sense really, the plan had always been to have Finn there with them too, he was Kurt's brother and he was going to marry Rachel – in fact if things had gone to plan they'd have been married already. Having their own place also meant it was easier to have other members of the Glee club over when the opportunity arose. And although that opportunity was slim right now, as everyone was busy moving on with their own lives and laying the foundations for their own futures, on the weekend when Quinn and Mercedes had come to visit and the night Brittany had needed somewhere to stay because she got on the wrong bus taking her in the opposite direction from where she was actually supposed to be going, it had proved to be a good choice. It was also easier for Blaine to visit Kurt and for them to see each other than it would have been had Kurt been living in the dorm rooms.

It had surprised Rachel that rather than coming to New York with Finn she had ended up coming here with just Kurt, while Finn stayed at home tying up some loose ends. It also surprised her that rather than Finn being the one helping her to apply ice to her swollen toes after too much ballet practice, or offering her words of support when she freaked out about her latest performance, it was Kurt. He really was one of the best friends Rachel could have asked for. He always just knew what was going on in her head, he understood without words what it was that made Rachel tick…the only other person she could think of that was on a similar wavelength to her was Jesse….

_Jesse…_she found herself thinking and wondering about him more than she had expected too over the past few months. It wasn't that she thoughts about what it would be like to be with him rather than Finn, it was just that she constantly wondered about _him_…where he was, what he was doing, whether he had gone to London, whether he was chasing his dream, would she ever see him again, would he make a splash on stage before her, would he keep his promise and be there when she finally made it?

She hadn't seen him again since she ran out of the auditorium that day. She left for New York pretty much straight after Graduation. And she hadn't thought of him for a few weeks after coming to New York either, she had been too distracted by the city and by her own breaking heart over the unplanned separation from Finn. But then one day about three weeks after arriving, the same day her and Kurt had found the apartment they now currently shared, she had heard it on the radio…'The One That Got Away' by Katy Perry, and for a second her heart had stopped. She hadn't really been expecting the amount of emotion she felt when she heard it again.

Sure she had told him that day a part of her would always love him. And she didn't regret that. Even though she was with Finn, she couldn't feel bad about finally letting Jesse know that, because a part of her _always would_ love him. How often is it you find someone who not only will accept all your flaws, but understand completely where they come from and why you act like that? How often is it you meet someone who just understands what it is driving at your very centre, your very soul? However she did not think that hearing that song again would stir this in her. It had been confusing and frightening, but it had also been fleeting. Soon the sadness past and she had once again started counting down the days until Finn arrived.

Finn eventually joined Kurt and Rachel two months after she had arrived in New York. And although Rachel had been ecstatic about him being there, it soon became clear that it wasn't going to be like it was in high school. They now had bills to pay, when they weren't busy with class both Kurt and Rachel were working to help cover the rent, on her nights off Finn would often be working, and when neither he nor she were working Rachel was often spending late nights at NYADA trying to perfect her performances. On a lot of occasions she also often found herself worrying that deep down Finn was disappointed in her decision to put the wedding off and come to New York earlier than had been intended.

She wondered if that was what made her feel like there was this barrier between them now? While nothing seemed to have changed too drastically on the outside - they still laughed together, he still held her when she cried, they still fought over their equal share of insensitive behaviour - Rachel could tell there was something different on the inside. As if there was a crack that had formed when she left for New York, which had only spread in their two month separation, and now…now even though he was here, she was unsure of whether any amount of close proximity could really repair what had already been done.

Considering Rachel had already been worrying about these things it should have come as no surprise to her when she came home late one dark December night to find Finn sitting on the couch looking agitated. She sensed his mood right away and went and sat down next to him, asking him what was wrong.

'Where were you?' he asked quietly.

'Working on my diction for my solo piece on Monday morning…Carmen thinks I'm still dropping some occasional letters.' She answered putting her hand in his.

Finn however merely pulled his hand from hers not wanting to be touched tonight, this cut Rachel deep in her heart, but his next words came like a slap in the face, 'You're never here Rachel, you never make time for me anymore, for us? I know you keep saying you're working on your performances but I can't help wondering if that is all you are doing?'

'What?' She asked as she slid further away from him on the sofa, an uneasy feeling rippling in the pool of her stomach.

'Well you could easily be working on your diction or whatever with one of your performance pals…maybe that Matt guy from that party we went too last week – you seemed pretty chummy to me.' Finn responded coolly.

'Matt's gay!' Rachel responded angrily, 'and besides that, I would never cheat on you…how could you even think that?'

'It isn't like it hasn't happened before.' He shot back quickly.

'So you're saying you don't trust me because of an incident that happened the first time round when we were dating and when I was 16? Grow up Finn.' She snapped.

'No I'm saying how am I supposed to know what you are doing all the time? You never spent this long working on some performance back in Lima? No matter what we were doing, even leading up to Nationals, you always made time for me Rach.' He said, running his hands over his face.

'You can't know what I am doing all the time Finn, that is where trust comes in…it is kind of important in a relationship. And of course I never worked this hard in Lima, things were different there Finn, there was less competition, less chance of someone else coming in and stealing my spotlight. But this is New York, I have to be on the top of my game, I have to prove I am dedicated to this or else I'll never get ahead…and I do make time for you. I spent last Saturday watching movies with you rather than taking on an extra dance class, I turn down chances to go and see shows and take notes of performance techniques and style so I can stay in and have date nights with you. Do you have any idea how many friendship opportunities I have turned down so far this year so that I can spend time with you!' She cried

'Oh well, I'm sorry that being with me is such an inconveniences for you.' Finn said as he stood up and walked to the other side of the room.

'That isn't what I am saying! What I am saying is that I am making sacrifices for you Finn, I am trying my best to make this work and it would be helpful if you showed a little appreciation for that rather than accusing me of sneaking around behind your back…maybe if this is how you feel then we shouldn't get married at all!' she said standing up too.

The words came out of her mouth before she could stop them and although she bit her lip hard the second they escaped she could not take back what she just said.

'Fine maybe we shouldn't' he said.

'Fine!' Rachel said as she headed for the door, walked through it and slammed it on her way out.

She wasn't sure where she was going to go. It was easily past 10pm, it was dark and cold and it was snowing, it being December after all. All she knew was she had to get out, her head was spinning and her eyes were watery and everything was just going wrong. She hadn't meant to say that maybe they shouldn't get married, and she had regretted it instantly, but at the same time she never would have imagined that he'd_ agree_ to that statement.

In an attempt to clear her mind Rachel took out her ipod and hit the shuffle button, random music might help to clear her mind.

Before she knew it she was standing out on the Brooklyn Bridge, it wasn't too far from their apartment and seeing the lights twinkling all around always brought her some kind of comfort. It almost reminded her of the lights of Broadway. She wasn't sure how long she stood there not really taking in the music until 'The One That Got Away' came on…suddenly she felt transported back 6 months to that auditorium. She wondered again where Jesse was and she hoped that wherever it might be he was chasing his dream, as she was chasing hers…all thanks to him.

Every time she thought about what he'd done for her the same wave of appreciation and gratitude would wash over her. And she thought about it _a lot._ How could she not…whenever she took the stage at NYADA she felt that same pang of happiness and love towards him and Tina that she had done the first time around.

As the song played she wondered what Jesse would have to say about this situation she was in with Finn and the fight they had just had. She knew he would be on her side regarding the late nights she sometimes put in, because after all he would understand that that was what got you ahead in this business. She thought about his promise to make all her dreams come true, and the way he had acted without prompt or expectation of reward to make part of that happen…

Six months ago she really had thought all her dreams were coming true. She had NYADA, she had Finn and the two of them were busy planning their lives together, now she wasn't so sure. As much as she loved NYADA and she could taste her dreams within a hairs breath whenever she performed there, or whenever one of her teachers praised her (which wasn't very often…turns out they'd rather be brutal and rip your performances to bits rather than pointing out what you had done right) it was also hard. She had to keep putting in the hours to stay top of the class and to be the best, in fact she should be doing so much more than she already did, but she gave up opportunities to be with Finn. And that was only right, after all he had given up any dreams he might have to follow her to New York, but the longer they tried to make what they had now work the more Rachel began to question whether marrying him was still the right option…_was still _one of those dreams?

It felt awful to think it. She loved him and up until this point she had never imagined breaking up with him, not marrying him, him not being there when she won her Tony awards or played Laurey in Oklahoma, or any of those other ambition's she had…but the longer they kept pretending this was ok, the worse it would be for both of them.

She felt someone beside her and a warm arm wrap around her shoulder.

'Finn asked me to come and look for you he was worried you'd only storm away again if he came.'

Placing her head on Kurt's shoulder Rachel closed her eyes and exhaled. Would he hate her if she broke the heart of his brother…? She wasn't sure she could live with losing both of them at once.

'I think I have to break up with him Kurt…this isn't fair to either of us. I love him so, so much, but if this carries on we're just going to hate each other eventually and blame each other for the opportunities we missed trying to make this work.'

'I know' he said, squeezing her shoulder, 'and he'll understand…eventually. And no matter what happens I am not going anywhere. I love you too much Rachel Berry.'

'You promise?' she whispered softly.

'Yes…besides who else is going to put up with you?' he joked. And despite everything Rachel laughed.

* * *

Kurt let Rachel go home alone to break it to Finn. She wasn't sure what to say, but it turns out the words just came out of her mouth and preparation really wasn't needed.

The minute she had stepped through the door Finn had started to apologise for agreeing that they shouldn't get married, but she held up a hand to stop him.

'You were right Finn…we both were. I wish we weren't…but we were.'

'But I love you' Finn had simply replied, this small declaration in the midst of such heartbreak was what caused her to start crying.

'I love you too Finn…but if we stay together like this we're going to tear each other apart, and sacrifice all our own personal dreams in the course of it. I feel like we've been holding on to this for all the wrong reasons…do you remember when you proposed to me and you said that all you had to do was convince me to love you forever then everything would be alright? Well that isn't the answer Finn…you can't only dream of loving me, that can't be your only goal in life. And until you discover where you belong and what you need to be doing in your life, I can't be with you. It would kill me too much to believe that you held back on following your heart because of me – and I'd be afraid that with every success I had you'd hate me a little bit more for keeping you from the same.'

'But I don't need to follow my heart…my heart is right here, with you.' He tried to argue.

'Oh Finn…please believe me when I say I love you, so, so much, but right now this, what we have, it isn't going to go the distance if you don't have something else other than me, something else to pin some of your happiness on. It is too heavy a package for me to carry on my own.'

Finn nodded then and said, 'You're right, my God Rachel I know you're right. I just…I don't want to admit that this is over.'

'Me either.' She sighed

'So where do we go from here? I don't want this to be it for us, even if we're not together I don't want to lose you from my life, but how can we get past this?' He asked, unsure of what you're supposed to do when you break up with the girl you were supposed to be marrying.

Rachel shrugged, 'Well right now I think we should sing together one last time. Then I think we spend some time apart from each other while we allow the wounds some time to bleed…and then hopefully someday soon we'll be able to be thankful for each other and what we had and what we gave each other while we were together…and then eventually maybe someday we'll be able to build a friendship.'

Finn nodded but mumbled, 'Friends…' as if the idea were as hurtful to him as burning his hand.

'Sing with me?' Rachel asked quietly, leading him over to his guitar in the corner of the room.

'What are we going to sing?'

'This' she replied, handing him the song, 'I know you like the band and it seems fitting.'

He nodded and then started to play the music, feeling his heartbreak as he did so.

I just wanna be alone tonight

_I just wanna take a little breather_

_'Cause lately all we do is fight_

_And every time it cuts me deeper_

_'Cause something's changed_

_You've been acting so strange_

_And it's taking its toll on me_

_It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave_

_Without you, I live it up a little more every day_

_Without you, I'm seeing myself so differently_

_I didn't wanna believe it then but it all worked out in the end_

_When I watched you walk away, well, I never thought I'd say_

_I'm fine without you_

In six months' time, when Rachel met up with Finn and their old Glee clubbers for coffee when she was at home for a week over the summer, she would be reminded of the next verse, of the way Finn looked now and the way he looked then. And she would be hit by the same certainty as she had been standing on that bridge listening to 'The One That Got Away' that night. The certainty that their break up had been the right call…seeing Finn now, as he talked about his current courses at the local community college, his small role in their production of _Oliver!_ and his experience helping out Coach Beastie with the McKinley High Football team…he'd really found his own path. And she was proud of him.

Called you up 'cause it's been long enough

_And you said that you were so much better_

_We have done a lot of growing up_

_We were never meant to be together_

_'Cause something changed_

_You were acting so strange_

_And it's taken its toll on me_

_It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave_

_Without you, I live it up a little more every day_

_Without you, I'm seeing myself so differently_

_I didn't wanna believe it then but it all worked out in the end_

_When I watched you walk away, well, I never thought I'd say_

_I'm fine without you_

_'Cause something changed_

_You were acting so strange_

_And it's taken its toll on me_

_It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave_

_Whoa! Yeah!_

_Without you, I live it up a little more every day_

_Without you, I'm seeing myself so differently_

_I didn't wanna believe it then but it all worked out in the end_

_When I watched you walk away, well, I never thought I'd say_

_I'm fine without you_

_Without you!_

_Without you!_

_Without you!_

_I just wanna be alone tonight_

_I just wanna take a little breather_


	4. That Girl

**Hi everyone...two chapters in one day - what can I say, I am inspired! Or more like I watched 'Goodbye' and got incredibly annoyed and this was the only way to work out my frustration. As if Kurt wouldn't get into NYADA but Rachel would? No matter how amazing her Nationals performance or how lovely Jesse was speaking up for her (swoon) when Kurt was given the praise that he was given, and when he nailed it at his audition, I refuse to believe he'd lose out but Rachel would get in. It REALLLY annoyed me...and so there was nothing I could do but sit down at my computer and write this chatper, make believing that Kurt and Rachel are BOTH where they belong.**

**So here is the result, I hope you like it. **

**Disclaimer - well judging by my above rant I think we can all agree I don't own this show...both the songs belong to the incredibly talented Chester See and not to me, or Jesse St James for that matter - although in this story they do.**

**The songs are - That Girl and Fairy Tale...look them up on Youtube they are BEAUTIFULLLLL (or they are in my humble opinion)**

* * *

Rachel pushed the front door to her apartment open glad to be home after such an intense day. First her ballet teacher had insisted she kept re-doing her pirouette because they weren't as 'neat' as they could be. Spinning over and over again could really take it out of, by the end of it her head was dizzy and her feet were aching and blistered. Then she'd had her one to one signing practice with Carmen, who had been anything but thrilled at the performance she had given, and Rachel couldn't blame her either – even she knew she was having an off day. She just couldn't get along with the new song at all and the more she tried to push herself the worse it seemed to have got. In the end Carmen had asked her to start the piece so many times that she had started to lose her voice. So all in all the day hadn't been great.

There were only two things that could help her make it through days like today. One was constantly repeating the line 'Me singing 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina' in front of a sold-out crowd is not a fantasy. It's an inevitability.' In order to keep her spirits up. The other was coming home and going through the contents of the top shoe box in her bedroom closet. There were three shoe boxes nestled in there, each with a special tag alerting her to which was which, each holding separate memories of the three things that had been most emotionally important to Rachel throughout her life, excluding her dads of course...but she didn't need a box for them. The top however was the one with the memories she liked to revisit the most, as it was the one that brought the most comfort.

Tonight she opened it and stared in at the contents, letting out a rather sad sigh as she thumbed through the things in there…photos and news clippings of her and the rest of New Directions after they won Nationals, song sheets from some of their performances, and a million other Glee club memories. On days like today when she felt like she was out of her depth and alone she missed them all so much…she longed to be surrounded by people who would love her whether she managed to bag them a nationals title or not…the day had been a hard one, one that had made her feel like she was insignificant in the grand scheme of things, a nobody if you will. She wished right now she was able to go and stand in the McKinley auditorium and feel like a somebody again. The five minutes she spent looking into the contents of the box was enough to spring her into action again though. It revived her and reminded her that out there there were people who thought she was a somebody, people who believe 100% in the fact that Rachel Berry was going to be a star someday. That was all she had needed, so just as carefully as she had removed it she returned the shoe box to its proper place on top of the other two. Slowly she ran her hand along the other two before standing and changing into her sweats. It had been a long day and Rachel felt like she deserved this moment of slobbery.

As she stepped into the lounge she let out a groan….seriously she loved living with Kurt and Blaine – especially since having Blaine actually living with them this year was a lot better than Kurt's melancholy pining for him last year, and it had put an end to those accidental times she had walked in on Kurt and Blaine in the middle of a 'private' SKYE session – but at the same time since Blaine had moved in it always seemed like things were out of place in the house. It wasn't that they were messy…they were impeccably clean…it was just whenever they had people over their guests tended to mess up the way things were supposed to be. Case in point her musical programmes where no longer on the shelf under the coffee table where they belonged, but piled neatly on top. Rachel would bet anything that had been Santana last night after Rachel had excused herself and gone to bed….

It was still funny to think that Santana spent most of her Wednesday nights here with then…things had changed a lot over the last year and a half. If someone had asked her before she moved out to New York what her life here would have been like she'd have said she would have been married to Finn, most probably living with him and Kurt and then Blaine when he got here, and that the Glee member she'd speak to the least would be Santana. But life has a funny way of surprising you. Now half way through her second year at NYADA she had to marvel at the changes she'd seen. She was no longer with Finn and the two of them now only really spoke when they were around other people. And while she did live with Kurt and Blaine it wasn't how she might have imagined…and strangely enough she found herself having an almost weekly friendship date with Santana. Granted those dates wouldn't have progressed without Kurt, who took pity on Santana when she was struggling to find her feet in New York. And then both Rachel and Santana had spent a weekend going to visit Quinn at Yale and it had proven to them that they could at least spend time together just the two of them without killing each other, but this regular meet up hadn't happened until Blaine had moved in. It was all part of his mission to make them an outgoing social trio…he seemed rather delighted taking on the role of social butterfly of the group and in all honesty Rachel and Kurt just hadn't had the heart to stop him.

Even when Rachel and Kurt weren't around on a Wednesday evening Blaine would still drag Santana along to whatever it was he had planned. And over the past couple of months Santana had landed a couple of gigs, which had been attended not just by her three New York glee companions, but also by Quinn and Brittany. It had been nice being personally invited to see her perform on stage, and Rachel couldn't deny that she was incredible.

Now as Rachel flopped onto the sofa, her muscles aching, all she could think about was relaxing tonight before she had to do it all over again tomorrow. She flicked the TV on and wondered where Kurt was…he was almost always home before her on Thursday's and he would never usually miss the start of 'Hot and Famous' the truly awful celebrity talk show they watched together every time Thursday. Whilst it truly was a terrible show, they had unwittingly started watching it because Mercedes had once been one of the back-up singers for the hot new music talent of the week act. Ever since then the two of them had been hooked on it, and it was a great way to scout out the latest music talent…half the time the musical act featured was awful, but the other half of the time the person performing was brilliant. And Kurt and Rachel would know about them before many of their peers…and scouting out the next best thing and learning their repertoire was essential in this business.

The chat show host was half way through the first interview when Kurt walked in, dropping his keys down on the table and flopping down next to her.

'You're late home.' Rachel stated.

'Yeah I took Jenny out for a drink after rehearsals…she had a terrible day. Nicole was a total bitch to her in front of everyone, shouting at her and telling her her dress didn't fit right – all because she wants to believe she is two sizes smaller than she actually is…actresses, they can be such temperamental bitches at times.' Kurt answered her shooting her a cheeky wink.

Rachel laughed and rolled her eyes, 'Nicole is a bitch. She's always telling me I need to remember the costume designer's proper place is at the bottom of the heap, not socialising with the actors. I think she thinks we are betraying the social order of things by having befriended Jenny.'

'Well that is what makes us different, our hearts and our acceptance of outsiders…New Directions taught us how to do that and to be proud of it.' Kurt said.

Rachel smiled, turning her attention back to the interview on screen.

'Have they had the musical artist of the week yet?' Kurt asked after a moment.

'No they haven't even announced them yet. We gonna take a bet…bad or good this week?' Rachel replied.

'Bad, the last two have sucked and I have a feeling this is going to be a third time round.'

Rachel laughed good naturedly at him and popped her feet up on the sofa so they were draped over his legs before saying, 'You're so pessimistic Kurt…I say it will be best out of three and this week's artist is going to be super.'

They carried on laughing and teasing each other whilst the boring celebrity interviews were taking place, but the minute the presenter said it was time to introduce this week's musical guest both fell into comfortable silence.

'And now ladies and gentlemen it is time for our featured musical artist of the week. As always they'll be invited onto the sofa after their first song to discuss their work, before playing us out after the show with something else. I'm really excited to have this artist here, he's been making quite a stir in the UK and he's here tonight to play for you…please welcome playing his new song 'That Girl' Mr Jesse St James'

For a second Rachel thought she was dreaming. She pulled her legs off Kurt, sat forward in her chair to see the TV screen better, and pinched herself for good measure. But no she was definitely awake, and that was definitely Jesse. She turned to find Kurt looking at her with a look of surprise she suspected mirrored her own.

'.GOD' he punched out the words, and they came out a little louder than he perhaps intended.

* * *

Jesse was going to be sick. He couldn't do this…he just couldn't. He didn't understand why he felt so nervous, he performed on stage all the time. He'd won four, FOUR, Nationals titles…he'd played in sold out theatres, he'd even played on TV back in the UK. But for some reason now his chest was contracting.

He thought back to Mary's phone call earlier. It was her fault he was so nervous, if she hadn't asked that bloody question about what he was going to say when they asked him about all his soppy, broody music and what inspired him to write it then it would be ok.

It was a question he'd been asked before on plenty of occasions, but of course it was always easy to answer when you're in another country and there is no way your muse will hear about it. Not that he imagined Rachel would be watching now…this show was incredibly low budget on a little known channel…but still there was a chance.

Before he had time to worry any more about the impending performance and following interview he heard the host announce him and before he knew it the lights where shining brightly on the piano where he was sitting. For a fraction of a second Jesse panicked and thought he wouldn't be able to go through with the performance…that he had forgotten how to play the song and the lyrics. But then without him even really registering it his fingers were sweeping over the keys and the lyrics were rolling off his tongue.

* * *

As Jesse started playing the keys Rachel realised she was holding her breath and she didn't exhale until his voice started, filling her with a million memories from her past.

__

Oh tonight I'm feeling fine

_I'm alone just wasting time_

_No Friday movie nights, or romantic candlelight_

_I'm just having conversations_

_With the thoughts in my head_

_All I hear are angels crying_

_Oh won't they just sing instead_

_It would be wrong for me to say_

_I don't need that girl by my side_

_I don't need that girl in my life_

_I don't want to talk it out_

_Or hold her when she cries_

_I don't want to say she's my kind_

_I don't want to say that she's mine_

_I don't want to tell her that I love her more than life_

_More than life..._

_I love her more than life_

Just then the door opened and Blaine walked in.

'Hey guys…'

'Shhhh' both Rachel and Kurt said in unison, eyes fixed on the screen.

'Oh my God is that-'

'Yes! Shhh' both Rachel and Kurt said again.

Blaine sat down on the chair across from them and joined them in their focus on the television.

__

Honestly, this won't do

_How is she doing?_

_I tell myself that I'm feeling swell_

_But I know I'm such a fool_

_I can take it as a new beginning_

_But you know I don't feel that way_

_Who will take all this pain away?_

_I know it's wrong for me to say_

_I don't need that girl by my side_

_I don't need that girl in my life_

_I don't want to talk it out_

_Or hold her when she cries_

_I don't want to say she's my kind_

_I don't want to say that she's mine_

_I don't want to tell her that I love her more than life_

_More than life..._

_I love her more than life..._

_Talk about a sin_

_Was the day I walked_

_Into the other side_

_I would run back in_

_I wouldn't waste no time_

_I know it's wrong for me to say_

_I don't need that girl by my side_

_I don't need that girl in my life_

_I don't want to talk it out_

_Or hold her when she cries_

_I don't want to say she's my kind_

_I don't want to say that she's mine_

_I don't want to tell her that I love her more than life_

_More than life..._

_I love her more than life_

When the song was over the three of them sat there in utter silence not really knowing what to say. Suddenly Kurt's phone beeped breaking through the quite. He flipped it open muttering 'It's Mercedes…'

'What did she say?' Rachel asked.

'She says holy crap did you guys see that…how did that soulless monster create that beautiful ballad…'

'Jesse maybe a lot of things but I hardly think it is fair to call him a soulless monster.' Rachel reasoned, her mind flashing back to the last time they had seen each other.

'Didn't he egg you once?' Blaine asked

'It was a long time ago. People change, look at us!' she pointed out.

'Perhaps' Kurt said.

The three of them lapsed into silence again as the adverts finished and the shows started again, each eager to hear what Jesse had to say during his interview.

* * *

'Jesse St James thank you for joining us.'

'Thank you for having me' Jesse answered politely, after all he had to make people like him…and what better way to do that than to make everyone believe he was a well-mannered, sweetie pie?

'Now Jesse is it true that you found fame in London creating music for and starring in an off West End musical production of 'Much Ado About Nothing'?' the host asked.

Jesse was impressed…someone on this show had obviously done their homework.

'Yeah sort of. I was taking part in a performing arts summer programme that was organised through RADA and one day I was in the music room on my own, so I sat down at the piano and started playing a song I had been working on. It was one of those rip you heart out, angry, kind of songs kind of based around three girls I know and the effect their relationship had had on me…only one of which had any romantic connection to me before you start thinking of me as a player or anything like that. Anyway I am sitting at the piano, belting out this tune with all my heart and soul, expressing all of my longing and emotion in it and then one of the organisers of the programme and a major musical theatre producer in his own right walks in because he's heard me from outside. He says he's really impressed and asks me if I have any other songs I can play him so I play him a couple of other ones and then he goes away, and I think that is it. Then a couple of weeks later he calls me into his office and he says he's working with one of his friends to put together this musical Shakespeare thing and he wants to know if I am willing to put a couple of my songs into it, and whether I want a part in it. Well obviously I said yes, if one of the leading producers of London musical theatre offers you a shot like that, you'd have to be an idiot to turn him down. So that was how I ended up creating the music for the show and how I ended up with the part of Claudio.'

'But going into writing and playing music full time wasn't your intention was it?' the host asked

'No and it still isn't if I am completely honest. After the musical gig I got offered a role in Arthur Miller's 'Danger Memory' at the Jermyn Street Theatre, this really cute little off West End theatre in London that used to be a changing room for the restaurant next door, and that really gave me the chance to do a bit of straight theatre for the first time, without music, which was totally new for me. Then from that I landed a couple of other acting jobs…some musical some not and I was bumping along quite slowly trying out these new roles when the same guy who gave me the 'Much Ado About Nothing' shot phoned me up and asked me if I was still composing some stuff and whether I'd be interested in recording a soundtrack for a little British movie. Again this was never really something I planned, but I didn't feel like it was the kind of offer I could say no too…and I did have a hell of a lot of songs to my name by that point. So I agreed and the film was a huge hit over in England. I mean I don't really understand what the film is about, that's how British this movie is, but they loved it. And they loved my music…the soundtrack was a hit and I released a couple of songs off of it and they did well. The next thing I know I was being offered recording contracts, all of which I turned down. Not because I wasn't interested but because musical theatre is still my main passion.' Jesse explained.

'And that was when you decided you'd record your own album, not on a label but by yourself, and see how it faired over here in the US?'

Jesse smiled, that made him sound almost pompous, 'Yeah, I've been wanting to do some work in the US for a while. I have a couple of people over here I am really eager to see again and it seemed like the best way around it. I also wanted to see how well my songs would stand on their own…you know no shows, no films, to support them – just my songs, on their own, speaking to people as standalone pieces of music. So I spoke to a couple of contacts I had and now here I am. If I had signed to a label there was a good chance I was going to have to give up theatre, and to be honest that just wasn't an option for me. But this way, well I get the best of both worlds.'

Man he hoped he'd explained that well enough. Now that part of the interview was over he knew the harder part was coming. Well Jesse St James you're just going to have to suck it up and answer those questions like a man he told himself.

'Now your songs, you've described them before as being your own personal way of expressing your emotion and your way of communicating. Is there someone special you write about when you write? You said earlier the song that started it all was about three women?'

'All my songs express personal things I've been going through at the time of writing or composing them yes, and of course within that there are people who factor more than others. I'd definitely say I have one muse that drives all the music I write.'

'And that muse is?'

'The girl that got away. She's my muse, she's the reason I wrote 'That Girl' and I'm pretty sure a part of her is in every other song I've ever written.' Jesse answered within a heartbeat.

* * *

At that comment Rachel was sure her face must have lost its entire colour. She was also sure Kurt and Blaine must have noticed her emotional change, but alas they seemed oblivious to the confusion running through Rachel right now.

It took all she had to carry on focusing on what was being said on the TV screen, her heart was beating so loudly she could hear it in her ears.

On the screen Jesse was busy explaining the meaning behind the song he was about to play to close the show for this week. Something he said had, of course, been inspired by the girl that got away – but something a bit happier than 'That Girl' perhaps, because this song was apparently about believing dreams come true.

From the TV Rachel vaguely registered that the host was now speaking again and Jesse was moving back towards the piano. Despite how hard it was to focus she forced herself too so she could hear what the host was going to say before Jesse played the closing song.

'Well Jesse St James thank you for coming on to talk to us and enlightening us on your impressive career so far and now we'd be delighted if you could play us out with your song 'Fairy tales'…now ladies and gentlemen give it up one more time for MR JESSE ST JAMES people!'

Then those skilful fingers once again flew across the piano keys and again Rachel held her breath. A million emotions were running through her body as he started to sing and for the first time since they started having this Thursday ritual Rachel wished Kurt and Blaine weren't there. She wanted to be alone, to try and process what all this meant, what these beautiful words could mean…

__

Once upon a time you were left crying in the rain and hurt

_You said, you'd never love again_

_He came along, he broke your heart_

_Now it's been crushed and needs new parts _

_You feel like it will never heal_

_You say you've been feeling like giving up on dreaming_

_'Cause love will only let you down_

_You tell me that you've been thinking that your prince will never come around_

_Well, I'll say_

_Happy ever after ending_

_Close your eyes and start pretending_

_You're the princess to this story _

_And I can be your Prince Charming_

_Sleeping beauty, Cinderella _

_I'll be Edward, you'll be Bella_

_So take my hand and dance with me_

_Just one kiss and you'll believe_

_We can turn the night into anything for you_

_'Cause sometimes fairy tales come true_

_It's not about what happened then_

_But what will happen in the end_

_And I know how this story goes_

_So every time you're feeling_

_Like there's no use in believing_

_All the stories you were told before_

_And you can't find a reason to believe in something anymore_

_Well, I'll say_

_Happy ever after ending_

_Close your eyes and start pretending_

_You're the princess to this story _

_And I can be your Prince Charming_

_Sleeping beauty, Cinderella _

_I'm the Beast but you're my Belle_

_So take my hand and dance with me_

_Just one kiss and you'll believe_

_We can turn the night into anything for you_

_'Cause sometimes fairy tales come true_

_We can turn the night into anything for you_

_'Cause sometimes fairy tales come true_

After he finished playing Kurt and Blaine were quick to start dissecting everything they'd just heard. They both wondered aloud who this girl could be that had inspired such beautiful music. It seemed they were in agreement that it hadn't been a lie, that the emotion in his voice as he sang had been real. According to Mercedes texts though she did not buy this, she thought it was the same old Jesse St James.

'What do you think Rach?' Kurt finally turned to her and asked.

'Ummm yeah I think it is all real. You can't fake that kind of emotion…even Jesse isn't that good of an actor.' She said, still reeling from everything.

'You never know maybe you're the girl that got away' Kurt joked as he wiggled his eyebrows at her clearly teasing.

If only you knew Kurt, if only you knew Rachel thought.

After what felt like an acceptable amount of time as to not raise any suspicions Rachel removed herself from the room, saying she was tired and going to bed.

When she reached her room and had securely shut her door she fell against it, put her head in her hands and exhaled.

'Oh god' she breathed.

It was funny but the first thing she thought was 'well at least now I know what he's been doing for the past year and a half, I don't need to keep wondering about whether he is in London, chasing his dreams, or still flitting between projects that sell his talent short.'

But in regards to the rest of it…she didn't understand. What she did recognise though was that once again, without meaning too or even realising it, Jesse St James had saved Rachel Berry. She had been having a horrible day, feeling alone and doubting her ability…thinking perhaps she really would never get to Broadway. She hated that she had days like this now, she never used too…but ever since the choke incident she had been unable to block out the niggling doubts she had. Even after so long. But on a day that had been particularly bad Jesse had come along and sang the most beautiful song about Fairy Tales coming true, and it was meant for her. A beacon of light to remind her that her dreams were an inevitability.

The first song he had sung as well, it burned within her soul. It was probably one of the most beautiful things she had ever heard, a pure depiction of love unrequited…and he had written it about her. That was hard to believe. That she could stir that in him was something she found hard to accept.

Slowly she stepped forward to her closet and opened it and once again reached for the pile of shoe boxes, putting aside the Glee memorabilia box she came face to face with the Finn memorabilia box, and setting that aside too she came face to face with the one she needed to open now. The one she barely looked at. Walking over to her ipod she hit play on 'The One That Got Away' sat down on her bed and started pulling out the memories of their short time together. There was nothing outstanding in there, the ticket to The Wiggles concert they went too, the sheet music for Lionel Richie's 'Hello', a few photographs, one from her Prom in junior year…not much to really convey all he had done for her, and apparently all she had meant to him.

For the first time in a long time Rachel Berry cried over a boy who wasn't Finn Hudson…and if you asked her why she was crying, she wouldn't have been able to tell you. She wasn't sure whether she was even upset…nostalgic…all she knew was once again she wondered what would happen if she could once again see the one that got away


	5. Leave Him

**Hi everyone.**

**Thank you so, so, sooooo much to everyone who has added this story to their favourites or signed up for updates. You have no idea what that means to me, it is the whole reason why I keep updating. So keep doing that and reviewing and you can be sure that I'll keep posting!**

**So here is chapter 5!**

**Disclaimer - I don't own Glee (they wouldn't put me that close to Jonathan Groff, it wouldn't be good for him...) and the song is Leave Him by the musical God that is Tyler Hilton, as always youtube it for this story...especially because Tyler rocks! ;)**

* * *

Jesse stayed in the US for a couple of months, travelling around to different theatres to perform. He made a bit of a stir, getting a bit of an indie following. But overall it was nothing major. However as he hoped, the people he'd been hoping to impress with his talent did show interest, and before he knew it a number of Broadway producers had made contact with him. But the answer was always the same, get a little bit more experience and training and then they could imagine doing a project with him further down the road.

So that was what he planned to do, he'd been offered a place at RADA after last year's summer programme and after much debating he decided it was the right decision to make now. After all he was still young – taking a few years to develop his skills wouldn't hurt he was sure of that. And if the right role came along while he was still studying, well then there was nothing to stop him giving up his training for the chance of a lifetime.

So here he was, a few months after he first arrived back in America, in a hotel room in New York not long before he was planning to leave again, with his younger sister visiting him.

He couldn't believe the changes in her he'd seen. And although he questioned some of her decisions…like choosing to study at McKinley over Carmel, or deciding to become a cheerleader….there was no denying that she seemed a lot happier than she had done this time two years ago.

'I recently came across some information you might be interested to hear….' She said in a sing-song voice.

'Oh _reallllyyyy.._and what might that be? That being related to Jesse St James makes you royalty in Lima?' he joked, knowing full well that she had taken the decision not to tell people they were related.

It had hurt at first, but when she explained her reasons why – that she wanted everyone to judge her via her own character rather than on any ideas or impressions they had on Jesse – well he couldn't really hold that against her. And it wasn't like it was hard for her to hide her relationship to him, they had different last names after all. While Jesse had chosen to take his mother's maiden name as his stage name after she had died, Mary had always kept their father's last name.

'Ewwww, please as if I would own up to knowing you let alone claiming any kind of relation to you!' she teased back.

'Hey you should be privileged I am still calling you my sister….I mean a cheerleader? Seriously, why don't you just stamp walking teenage cliché on your head right now and be done with it!' he joked back.

'In case you have forgotten our mother was a cheerleader…anyway this information I have, you'll be really interested to hear it, it does after all relate to that girl you write all those sappy songs about….' Mary revealed, relishing the way Jesse's head snapped up at the mere mention of this Rachel girl.

'It does? What information could you possibly have about Rachel Berry? If it is relating to her marrying that talentless Hudson guy then I'd really, really rather not hear it.' Jesse answered cautiously.

'No, you mean the deputy football coach Hudson…I'm pretty sure he was seeing some blonde, curly haired trampy girl last month…anyway it had nothing to do with this girl's personal life. I just happened to hear Mr Shuester discussing something to do with her landing a role in the chorus line on this new Broadway show that is opening in the summer. I figured you'd want to know.'

'Mary you brilliant, brilliant girl! I may think you are crazy for choosing that school and New Direction's when you could have carried on the family legacy at Vocal Adrenaline but I have to hand it to you…you make one hell of a spy!'

Mary laughed and rolled her eyes before asking, 'So are you going to go and see it? And heaven forbid maybe talk to her after the show instead of moping about at the piano for the rest of your life?'

* * *

Rachel was sitting in her room doing breathing exercises when she heard the gentle knock on her door. Kurt's knock…always so soft and gentle.

'Come in' she called.

'Hey' he said as he pushed opened the door softly and smiled broadly at her, 'you nervous about tomorrow?' he asked as he came and joined her on the bed.

'In all honesty yes, I'm terrified. I'm not too sure why, it isn't like I have that much to worry about. I only sing one line as a solo…for the most part I'm just in the background dancing and doing back up singing.' She replied, playing with her nails unsurely.

'Just like the rest of us whenever you performed at any competition when we were in New Directions…I guess now you know how it feels.' He joked, making Rachel laugh.

She slowly felt some of the tension leave her body now Kurt was there with her.

'Yeah I guess I do…except now my whole career is riding on this. It is going to be ok right? I know I can do it, I know I'll be fine I'd just really like someone else other than my dads to say I'm gonna be great.' She confessed.

Kurt smiled at her and rolled his eyes, 'Will you listen to yourself Berry. Of course you are going to be fine, you are Rachel Berry…the most talented girl I know. If anyone needs to worry it sounds like it is that witch of a leading lady, because even though you only have one solo line to sing you are going to act her off the stage. I'll wager you have more talent in your little finger than the rest of the cast put together.'

'Thank you' she said as she leaned forward to hug hum.

'You're welcome…and anyway just remember - nothing can be worse than my first Broadway experience. You won't end up with a broken arm during the first week!'

Rachel laughed at that. It was true, poor Kurt. He'd landed a small Broadway part a couple of months previously. The first one of her NYADA group to have been given something that wasn't off Broadway. And unlike Rachel's show it wasn't a completely terrible production either, it was a brilliant piece. The only trouble was Kurt's dance partner choked half way through one of their dance scenes and dropped him on stage. Kurt, being the professional he was just carried on all through the show, choosing to go to the ER afterwards and then discovering it was broken. That had therefore spelled the end of his Broadway run. He'd been selected to do three weeks, and in reality he only managed to do three days. His professionalism in carrying on though after being dropped had stood him in good stead though, and it had made him more appealing to a few casting agents.

'Yeah but your arm breaking wasn't your fault, and it worked out for you in the long run!' she pointed out softly.

'Yes and that is exactly what you need to remember tomorrow. Look it is theatre, things go wrong occasionally…the majority of the audience won't notice if someone else misses a dance step, or part of the stage falls off…well maybe they will realise that last one. But what I mean is, I know you are going to be great and there is no way you'll mess this up. You've been in plenty of productions now and you're doing great in all your classes. The only people who may do anything to affect you out there are your co-stars, but if things go wrong just carry on. I know you Berry and I know that whatever happens you can be counted on to be a professional.'

Rachel nodded and exhaled. Kurt was right, she had this in the bag. And she wasn't going to obsess over how bad the show was, about how poor the story was or how utterly self-involved the leading lady was (and if Rachel thought she was self-involved then she was _definitely _self-involved)…because that didn't matter. Not if she did a good job in her role – because if she could still find a way to shine in this small role, even though the show was perhaps not what she would have wanted to star in had she been given her choice of any show out there, but nevertheless this was another step forward on the road to stardom.

'Anyway I didn't just come in here to help inflate your already swollen head, I came to give you this.' Kurt said as he past her neatly wrapped up present that looked suspiciously CD shaped.

'Kurt….you didn't have to do that! I didn't get you anything before your performance.' Rachel chided, although she was incredibly touched by the gesture.

'That's not true, you and Blaine made me that incredibly tacky good luck card that I love. Anyway it isn't anything big and I didn't really spend any money on it as you'll see when you eventually open it.' He replied

Excitedly Rachel tore open the paper. Of all the things she was expecting to find inside this was not it…

'I don't understand?' she finally said.

'It's a Rachel Berry greatest hits CD…it was mainly Blaine's idea, and Mr Shue helped with it, he sent me all the MP3's from our Glee days, and every former Glee member offered a suggestion for what should be on there. We all just wanted you to know that to us, you're already a star Rachel Berry. The world just hasn't seen it yet.' He explained.

Rachel looked at him, tears in her eyes, and then practically jumped on him, 'Thank you, thank you, thank you'

'Whoa Ms Berry my boyfriend will be home at any moment.' He teased causing her to laugh.

As she pulled away and looked at her present she asked, 'So what song did you choose…for my greatest hit?'

'Get it Right…because not only did you write it, but it fits you. Whatever happens and no matter what challenges life throws at you or the mistakes you make, you just hold your head high and work out how to fix things. You choked at your NYADA audition, but then you pursued Carmen until you could convince her you were what she was looking for, you came here with Finn and I know it broke your heart when he left and you accepted it was over – but you did it, and you carried on smiling even with a broken heart. And I know it hasn't been easy getting to this point….I think we've both seen that the reality of chasing our dreams is a lot harder than the image we had back in the halls of McKinley. But you just carry on regardless, you're so driven and motivated and you're a fighter…and I really admire you for that. Oh and I love the song.' He said he took her hand.

'Thank you' she said as she squeezed his hand in hers, 'I really admire you too, you know that?'

He nodded before standing up and saying goodnight.

When Kurt closed the door Rachel stood up, walked over to her CD player and put on her new present. Her heart swelling with love and pride for what she had really been handed that day when Mr Shue took over Glee club. Her life had truly come a long way from that moment. She had friends she never would have imagined she would have, she had an apartment in New York and two fabulous gay roommates she loved more than she could express, she had NYADA, and tomorrow…tomorrow she would have Broadway. Even if just a small part of it, it was more than she had two years ago when she first moved here.

'Me singing 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina' to a sold out crowd is not a fantasy. It is an inevitability.' She whispered to herself and smiled to herself.

She wondered once again if he would come tomorrow. This was what came into her head whenever she dropped her guard and allowed her mind to wander. After all Jesse had promised her that day in the auditorium that he would be there the first time she performed on Broadway, even if she just had a crappy little part in a crappy little show…which to be fair was what she had. But that had been two years ago, and a lot can change in two years and for Jesse they definitely had. It wasn't like he was a massive star, but more people would know the name Jesse St James over the name Rachel Berry. Only one of them had released an MP3 six song album on itunes – and it wasn't her.

Ever since he'd done that appearance on 'Hot and Famous' she'd found herself wondering more and more about his life now, his world. Sure it had answered some of those other questions she had about him – like what he had been doing with his life – but she found herself asking other ones now more and more frequently. Questions that were a lot more closely tied to her, such as how did he really feel about her? Sure he wrote songs about her…but Rachel was smart enough to know that that might just be because she was the only girl he'd ever had a connection with. That connection…the understand your soul connection …it didn't mean he loved her or she him. After all she had always said she didn't know if what she had with Jesse was real, she just knew that something in her came alive when they sang together.

She wondered over and over again what she would say if he did come and see her in the show tomorrow, because she was sure if he did come he wouldn't be able to resist coming up to her afterwards, even if just to critique what he had seen. He was, after all, Jesse St James….and he got off on telling people where their performances were flawed.

Rachel couldn't hold back a snigger at the idea that if he did turn up maybe he'd tell Shannon what an awful lead she was….

Despite all the questions she had and all the worry it gave her, Rachel was sure of one thing. She wanted Jesse to be there, to keep his promise….no matter how many of her other friends were going to be there in the audience tomorrow it just wouldn't be complete without him. She wouldn't even be performing tomorrow if he hadn't spoken of her talent to Carmen, he belonged in that audience tomorrow. And she knew she wanted him to come and speak to her afterwards, even if just to scold her for forcing him to sit through such a shambles of a performance.

There were so many things, so many questions she had and until she had answers to them she wasn't sure she would even be able to banish Jesse St James from her thoughts completely.

* * *

'Ten minutes until curtain call!' someone shouted into the dressing room.

'Me singing 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina' to a sold out crowd is not a fantasy. It is an inevitability. Me singing 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina' to a sold out crowd is not a fantasy. It is an inevitability. Me singing 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina' to a sold out crowd is not a fantasy. It is an inevitability' Rachel mumbled to herself over and over again, trying to calm the butterflies in her stomach.

'What is that you are saying Berry…I think maybe you need to remember that _I _am the lead in this performance not you, your one job while you are out there is to make _me _look good. Forget about your little Evita fantasies because right now, you're nothing, nobody…so I want you to remember, you're the bottom of the pile. And I've been told on good authority Jesse St James is out there, I don't expect the likes of you to have heard of him but he's done some really quirky little indie productions which I think would be_ perfect_ for me…plus I NEED to meet him so I can tell him his version of Bohemian Rhapsody was the most_ flawless_ piece of music I have ever seen! So you are going to make sure that your little choke episode I've heard about from two years ago doesn't happen tonight – because if you mess this up for me when he is out there, I am going to_ personally_ make sure you never work in Broadway again. And we wouldn't want that would we?' Shannon hissed through her teeth, tucking Rachel's lapel down in what she hoped was a threatening movement as she spoken.

If Rachel hadn't been so distracted by the confirmation that Jesse was indeed here, then she probably would have laughed at Shannon's pathetic attempts at scaring her, or the ides that she wouldn't know who Jesse St James was, or Shannon's blatant crush on him…but the second she heard Shannon say he was out there everything else had faded away.

Rachel took her place behind the curtain, suddenly calm. He was here, he had come to see her perform, he had kept his promise…and that was all the encouragement she needed to give the performance of her life….even if she only had one solo line to sing.

* * *

After the final bow Rachel practically zoomed into the changing rooms, eager to get changed so she could go and speak to her friends and her dads…or at least that was what she told the rest of the cast when they questioned why she was so eager to get out into the green room. But the truth was she was desperate to see _him_, and she was sure he would come backstage to speak to her.

She tore out of the dressing room and into the Green Room where all the VIP guests, family members, and friends of the cast were waiting. She started trying to scout out his curly black hair but before she got very far she was accosted by a large group of people. And she couldn't really blame them for practically pouncing on her, she had after all invited them. There was her dads, Kurt, Blaine, Jenny, Finn, Santana, Quinn, Tina and even Mr Shue…all of whom were eager to hug her and all of whom wanted to personally speak to her and tell her how amazing she had been. Then there were the flowers and card Kurt had been saving from Mercedes since she hadn't been able to make it out in person.

After half an hour she managed to make her excuses, saying she just needed to go and speak to some of her other cast members, and she dashed off to try and find someone who might know if Jesse St James had been at the show and where he had gone after. She would have asked Shannon, but she, along with her other leads and the shows director, were busy giving opening night press interviews. All she could find were other members of the chorus line, many of whom didn't know who Jesse St James was.

Eventually after a further 45minutes of searching Rachel gave up. She had asked nearly everyone she knew involved in the show and she had been around the green room twice, she couldn't see him and she was beginning to doubt whether he had really been in the audience at all…

She was just making her way back to her little huddle when Finn pulled her aside.

'I wanted you to know how great you were out there tonight and how thrilled I am you asked me to be here.' He said

'Finn of course, just because we're not together doesn't mean I don't want you in my life when I have moments like this. I'm just glad you came, I wasn't sure you would…' She replied.

'Of course I would Rachel, I'd never miss seeing you shine….I was wondering, do you maybe want to get coffee tomorrow morning, just the two of us, to talk about things. I've missed you Rach and I really feel now I've got everything sorted out and I've found my path as it were that perhaps it's time we did something just the two of is. Just as friends for now, if you want.'

This was the last thing Rachel needed to hear right now. She had spent over a year trying to mend the broken heart she had been left with after their breakup. After he had moved out and gone home she had thought she wouldn't be able to smile again, and she spent a lot of nights wondering if she'd made the right choice and just wishing he'd do something, anything, to try and change her mind. She had known their breakup was the right decision, but that hadn't stopped her longing for the big romantic gesture. But who had done the romantic gesture… Jesse…he'd gone on live television and admitted, albeit in a roundabout way, that she was what inspired him to write those beautiful songs. Just like it was Jesse that had ensured her dreams had a way of coming true. And then she'd slowly started to let Finn go…and now here she was, desperate to see Jesse, to ask him all those burning questions she had, and Finn was choosing now to suggest they do something together, just the two of them.

'I'm not sure that is a good idea.' She said.

'Just coffee Rachel, I'm not asking you to marry me this time.' He said, trying to joke around and lighten the mood….not that it really worked.

'I'll think about it.' She answered finally.

'I hope so.'

* * *

Jesse felt like an idiot. He had gone to the show, of course he had. It had been terrible, as he had suspected. Rachel however had been outstanding, not that it came as a surprise to him, and there was no question that she should have had a bigger part. Heck a lot of the actors in the smaller roles could have done a better job than the leads, whoever the casting director for the show had been he was clearly off his head. Jesse also couldn't deny that Rachel had looked beautiful up there, he'd always found her sexy at the best of time – what with her cute little animal jumpers, and her innocent but controlling nature – but when she performed…man she had no idea what she did to him. What she probably did to every guy in the audience watching her.

He'd even made a beeline to go backstage right after the show and he'd seen her, in a circle of her friends and family. He'd felt something growl within him when he noticed Finn amongst them, and it had only gotten worse when he'd put his arm around her. Jesse wondered again if Mary was correct to say that Finn had been seeing someone else a couple of months ago…did that really mean Rachel and Finn were no longer together? It would certainly seem that way considering Finn was back in Lima and Rachel was still in New York.

Jesse had been contemplating just going up to Rachel where she was in the midst of her friends and family to speak to her…after all he was 100% confident that she would welcome him, even if they didn't. And really he didn't care what they thought, because he was more successful, better looking and more talented than them all anyway. But then one of his future RADA professors had come up to him, excited to see him and eager to hear what Jesse had to say about the show. And before he knew it the two of them had gotten lost in conversation pulling the performance to pieces, although Jesse was keen to note that Rachel got a some small praise in a passing comment. Then just as the conversation came to an end he'd been dragged away the female lead, who seemed to know a lot about him and who desperately wanted to know what he thought of her performance….that all changed when he gave his review. Apparently she didn't take criticism very well.

When he'd finally spotted her again she'd been standing away from her group talking to Finn, and he had been close enough then to hear what they were saying. It sounded awfully like Finn was suggesting they try going on a date…there was something in what he said about not asking her to marry him that Jesse assumed was supposed to be a joke, not that it was funny, and then Rachel had said she would think about it.

When he heard that it had kind of killed his buzz about seeing her. This wasn't right, speaking to her here with Hudson and all her other gleek freaks perhaps wasn't the right place and if she was still thinking about Finn then perhaps it wasn't the right time either. So he resolved to find another way to let her know what he had thought about her performance…preferably a way that didn't involve face to face contact.

* * *

By the time Jesse arrived back at his hotel room his opinion had changed. He wasn't the idiot, Rachel was. That she would even consider going on a date with Hudson again was ridiculous…why did she always do this. She had so much potential and she was so incredible that she could be with anyone, it didn't even have to be him, and Jesse would be able to accept it a little bit more. If she found someone who understood her talent, helped her chase her dreams, and understood who she is and what she needed – what her future career needed, then Jesse would be able to deal with that. But what he could not accept was that Rachel Berry was once again doing what she always did, she was considering jeopardising everything she worked for to go back to Finn.

So he got out a pen and a pad, he wrote her a quick review of her performance and then he wrote her something else.

* * *

Rachel was in a foul mood when she came into the theatre the next day for her warm up before the second show. Unsurprisingly the show had received terrible reviews and her dads, Kurt and Blaine had had to spend most the morning reminding her that the show receiving bad reviews wasn't the worst thing in the world as long as her performance was solid enough – which they all readily agree it had been.

But to make matters worse Finn had called her twice and kept texting her, begging her to consider going for coffee before he left for Lima in 2 days' time. After the disappointment of not seeing Jesse last night Rachel was really starting to wonder if maybe going out on one possible date with Finn would really be that bad…if for no other reason than being with him would remind her that whatever she had had with Jesse was not necessarily worth becoming crazy over now.

Finn was safe, secure and stable…sure he was in Lima right now but perhaps once he'd finished his course he could move back to New York to be with her. Whenever she thought this she hated herself, she knew that that wasn't what she wanted. Not anymore. She had loved Finn dearly once, and the Rachel Berry from back then was thankful for that, but the Rachel Berry she was now…she knew she wanted something more. She didn't want someone who would just try and understand her dreams but would share them, totally and completely.

A man kind of like Jesse…but one who would keep his promises.

'Miss Berry' the girl who worked in the booking office called as she walked past.

'yes' she said turning to the girl who must only have been about 17 or 18.

'A gentleman dropped this off for you this morning' she said handing her a package.

'Thanks' Rachel said smiling as she looked down…suddenly she felt her heart summersault…that was his handwriting.

* * *

Although she had been tempted to open the parcel at the theatre, she had refrained. She didn't want to be around everyone on the show when she opened it. She wanted to be in her room, on her own, with the door securely locked and her ipod on.

So that is exactly what she had done, she had waited. And now here so was, sitting on her bed staring down at the small brown package in her fingers. It was CD shaped…she'd been getting a lot of things shaped like that recently.

Finally after about 10minutes she decided enough was enough, she was Rachel Berry…and she had nothing to be frightened of – this was Jesse. She knew him, anything he had to say, even if it was a criticism, was only there to try and make her better.

So she peeled back the paper and came face to face with a blank CD case with a CD inside it and a note taped to the top.

The note simply read:

_The show last night was terrible, the director clearly wanted to bask in his own self-righteousness, the music was obvious and hardly showed a great vocal range, the leading actress was too self-aware and pompous and it really showed in her performance and the dialogue and storyline were incredibly cringe worthy._

_You, however, were phenomenal. You were one of the strongest singers in the chorus, I cannot find fault with your dancing at all, and that one solo line you sang outshined everyone else on the whole stage in terms of talent. _

_It was worth the two and half hours of misery just for you, and to keep my promise that no matter what awful production you were in first I would be there. I eagerly look forward to your next Broadway foray, but I'm praying it is a better show than this one…as much as I love you Berry, I'm not sure my eyes and ears could take another two and a half hours of that!_

_JSJ_

_X_

_Ps I was going to come over and speak to you in person but you were busy with Finn…I hope you don't mind, but I overheard a little of your conversation and there was a lot of things I wanted to say to you about it - no scratch that – there is a lot of things I wanted to sing to you about it. After all that is the only langue you really understand, so that is what I did, hence the CD. I hope you don't mind. _

Rachel read the note four times before she took it all in. He'd written that he loved her…but then that could mean anything. Platonic love, love as in you make me laugh, love as in that is just a word you bounce around, love as in I love the idea of you, or it could mean I love you. It didn't seem very romantic in the way it was phrased though.

Also he had come backstage to speak to her, but she had been with Finn when he did! And he'd been close enough to hear what they were saying…

After a few more minutes of pep talk Rachel felt strong enough to place the CD into her CD player and listen to whatever it was Jesse wanted to sing to her.

_Heard that you were back in town_

_It's been a while baby since I've seen you around and on your own_

_He charmed you off to who knows where_

_Got some colour and changed your hair_

_But the look in those eyes says you're still alone_

_So before you tell me what you always tell me,_

_That you're doing fine and everything's alright_

_Baby leave him, leave him, cause you don't need him_

_And I'll be on your side_

_Go on and leave him, leave him, your heart don't believe him,_

_For me, please try to leave him and love me this time_

_Heard you got to catch a flight_

_Well you ain't talk to anybody else here tonight_

_Sure you gotta go_

_We both know what they say is true_

_He runs around, he ain't good to you_

_It's so hard to watch how he breaks your heart when you know I won't_

_So before you run to, who you always run to_

_Baby what you're looking for is right in front of you_

_So baby leave him, leave him, cause you don't need him_

_And I'll be on your side_

_Go on and leave him, leave him, your heart don't believe him,_

_For me, please try to leave him and love me this time_

_And I know it wasn't right_

_When I let you down and let you go that night_

_Oh, I'm not giving up on us this time_

_I said leave him, leave him_

_You're loving me, you don't need him_

_I'll be on your side_

_Go on and leave him, leave him, your heart don't believe him_

_For me, please try to leave him and love me_

_Just leave him and love me this time_

_Oh, this time_

_Oh, this time_

By the end of the song Rachel was in floods of tears. Jesse was right, Finn was who she always ran to, had been who she always ran too. He was familiar and safe and at one point in her life she had needed that. But not anymore, to even allow him to think that their future held anything more than friendship would be unfair to both of them.

Somewhere in the back of her mind she wondered when she had really stopped needing Finn, when he had stopped being the first person she wanted to turn too, and more than that she wondered when it was that Jesse had become the person she longed to be able to see and talk to. And once again she questioned when it was she would get to see Jesse again.


	6. Mary's Song Oh My My My

**Hi guys, I am not so thrilled about this chapter. It jumps around a lot and I'm really not too happy with how some of it flows. It is also INCREDIBLY long, but I wanted to flesh all this out here so I could FINALLY move on to some ST BERRY meetings in the next chapter. And before that could happen I need to set up a lot of what happens in this chapter for it to be able to get to that point.**

**Any way please read it, I hope you don't hate it (or at last not all of it – I rather like the start) and drop me a review as I am most grateful for each and every one!**

**Disclaimer – I do not own Glee nor do I own Taylor Swifts Mary's Song (Oh My My My) which is the main song of the chapter.**

* * *

The show somehow managed to survive long enough for Rachel to complete her full summer run in the chorus line, then before she knew it her third year was upon her and she was once again thrust into familiar pattern of working late either at NYADA or in the coffee shop she worked at to help pay the bills. Sometimes when she was working long shifts and she smelt like pastries she would feel a slight envious pang towards Kurt and the admin job he had working for a fashion magazine in the city one day a week. But beggars can't be choosers and she desperately needed the money. As much as she loved the fact her dads offered to pay for her share of the rent and the bills, she had been very clear that this was something she wanted to do on her own. Besides it was all part of the dream – the life of a struggling, up and coming young artist was just part of the journey.

One Saturday two weeks into the new NYADA year Rachel and Blaine could be found trolling around a department store in the city, looking desperately for a suitable gift for a baby shower.

'You looking forward to going home next weekend?' He asked as he picked up random objects and placed them back on the shelves.

'Yeah I am. I missed not going home over the summer, I mean I know in first year I wasn't home for very long because I had theatre projects, but still…at least I made it home for a little while. It's weird, growing up I couldn't wait to leave Lima but the longer I am away the more I realise what I had. I love New York, but there is always a small part of me longing for home. I guess that doesn't really make sense.' Rachel replied.

'It does…it's only natural you miss Lima sometimes, your family is there, you grew up there…it's the place that holds the most safety and security for you.' Blaine said with a small smile.

Rachel nodded lightly in agreement before asking, 'Urgh what do you even get your ex-teacher and ex-guidance councillor for their baby shower? This is so hard…?'

'I'm not sure, I'm really tempted to leave the present choosing up to Kurt…I'm sure he'd be able to pick out some brilliant little baby outfit.'

'You're so lucky you can buy a present together. At least that way you can share the responsibility of choosing and the cost.' She said as she checked the price tag on the baby money box she had just picked up, 'I mean I think it is safe to say most of these things are not in my budget.'

'Oh my goodness Rachel look, ball gowns – this is your chance to buy something for the opening ball next week.' Blaine exclaimed happily as he pulled her towards the ladies evening wear section.

'Urgh Blaine, how many times do I have to tell you and Kurt I am NOT buying a new dress. I have plenty of appropriate dresses for such an occasion and I really don't see what the big deal is.' She moaned, although she still allowed him to man handle her over to the section in question.

'Please Rachel, did you forget you're being honoured at this event for your outstanding work last year and you've just had your summer debut on Broadway so people will expect you to sparkle and shine….and since Tony asked you to go it is only right you dress up nicely for your dat-'

'It is NOT a date. It is just two friends going together. Why are you and Kurt so obsessed by this?' Rachel asked, rolling her eyes to emphasise how annoying they were being over her attending the event with Tony.

'Well we like Tony, he's a very nicely shaven, clean and he had good fashion sense and he's a dream to watch when he dances…' Blaine tried to reason.

'You do realise I would be the one dating him and not the two of you right? Besides Tony isn't the first guy you've gotten excited about me being friends with recently. What exactly is going on with the two of you?' she asked, although she was confident she already knew the answer. She loved both of them dearly, but subtle was not in their nature and they had clearly decided it was high time Rachel started dating again. For the past five weeks they'd been desperately trying to play matchmaker between her and all of their straight male friends.

'Well we just want you to be happy Rachel-'

'I am happy!'

'-and it has been a while since you broke up with Finn, and we just think maybe it is time you started dating again-'

'I go on dates….I go on dates all the time!'

'Oh really, name the last date you went on?' Blaine challenged raising an eyebrow at her.

'Donny Sullivan!' Rachel said rather triumphantly.

'Helping someone you work in a coffee shop with study for his Algebra exam is not a date Rachel, or if it is then your love life is much worse than Kurt and I thought and perhaps you're already too far gone!'

'Fine, but what about Rob, or Martin they were dates!'

'Ok well I guess they were kind of dates, but you went out with both of them once and you didn't even kiss either of them. Rachel I know you keep saying you just want to be really focused on NYADA right now and the shows you're in and everything, and that is great and trust me if anyone is going to get it, it is Kurt and I, but we also worry. We don't want to see you put your life on hold and push away every chance at happiness because you're afraid of getting hurt or because of what happened between you and Finn.' He said as he placed a hand on her shoulder.

'I know, and I love you guys for worrying, but honestly Blaine I am fine. And trust me, my not dating has nothing to do with what happened with Finn…I just, I can't explain it but right now I don't want to date.' Rachel said, as her mind wandered vaguely towards the image and memory of Jesse.

'Ok, well if there is anything you want to talk about I am here ok. And Kurt is too…whenever you need us.'

'I know and I love you both for that…now tell me how ugly you think this dress is!' Rachel said, holding up a truly awful lace dress with large fake gem stones down the front, knowing this was just what she needed to help steer the conversation in a different direction.

'Oh God _who would buy that_! And spend _that much_ on it!' Blaine exclaimed as he caught sight of the price tag.

Rachel couldn't help the laugh that escaped her as she caught sight of her friend's expression as he looked at the dress she held up, it was purely priceless and worth the filthy looks they received from other browsing customers.

Suddenly Blaine stopped laughing though and grabbed hold of Rachel's hand, leading her to the opposite side of the dress wrack and pulling a beautiful 50s cut lace dusky pink and black gown.

'How stunning would you look in this! You'd be just like Audrey Hepburn!' he exclaimed joyfully.

It was an absolutely stunning dress Rachel couldn't deny that. However being rational she noticed there were a couple of problems with the garment in question.

'It is stunning' she agreed, before she added, 'Shame it is two sizes too big for me-'

'Oh if only you had a petite red haired friend who made theatre costumes for a living and could take it in for you….oh wait, you do.' Blaine responded without even giving Rachel a chance to finish giving her excuses as to why she could not buy the dress.

'Ok you're right Jenny could take in the dress for me if I asked her, but that doesn't mean I'd be able to afford it anyway. Look at the price tag Blaine, it is worth nearly a full month's rent!' she pointed out.

'I guess you're right…but if is such a shame, it is such a beautiful dress.'

'So is the pink dress I wore to junior prom. It still fits me and it'll be fine for this occasion.' She interjected, 'besides one day I'll be able to buy a hundred pretty dresses like that for all those award shows we're going to have to go to.'

'Well you are very much right there Miss Berry.' He said as he linked arms with her.

They walked along in silence for a few minutes and Rachel's mind once again wandered to the earlier conversation about dating. It was true that she hadn't really been interested in dating anyone since she'd broken up with Finn. At first she had been too distraught to imagine ever wanting anyone else. Then just as she had started accepting a few offers from other people she had seen Jesse on that show and it had brought back a whole different host of memories and emotions. She'd told herself that the reason why she didn't date anyone really was because she wanted to focus on NYADA, which wasn't a complete lie – and for a long time she had believed it herself. That was until he'd come to see her perform and kept his promise to her. Then something had changed within her and she found herself desperately wanting the company of a man she hadn't spoken to in just over two years.

Rachel had been carrying the secrets of Jesse around with her for so long that she was beginning to go insane with it all. She had to tell someone…

'Blaine I wasn't completely honest with you about why I don't date.' Rachel said suddenly stopping and turning to face him.

'Okay, what do you mean?' he asked, throwing her a puzzled look.

'Well the real reason is…the real reason, it's, well it's like, it's because of-'

'Rachel just say it.'

'Jesse St James.' she blurted out.

'Come again now?'

'I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it is…but there are things he's done, things he did for me, that no one else knows about and things I've never told anyone and I just really need to talk about them right now and for someone to tell me I am not crazy.'

'Ok how about we go and get coffee and start from the beginning?' he asked.

She nodded and allowed him to leader her up a floor to the café area.

Once seated and sipping their hot drinks Blaine prompted Rachel to continue.

Taking a deep breath Rachel closed her eyes and forced herself to tell the story.

'Jesse is the whole reason I got into NYADA…well maybe not the whole reason. What I told everyone in New Directions is true, Carmen offered me my place because of my heart – but Tina wasn't the only one who came forward to defend me. Jesse did, at Nationals when she came to see me. He could of used that time to big himself up, ask for another shot for an audition he'd had previously, but he didn't – he spoken to her about how brilliant and talented _I_ was.' She paused for a second and opened an eyes to see if Blaine was following what she was saying.

'How do you know that Rachel?' he asked, just to try and make sense of it all himself.

'She told me, when she rang me to offer me my NYADA place.' She explained before following on with the story, 'After I found out I couldn't just leave to go to New York without thanking him. Do you remember that afternoon after the BBQ we all went to see that truly awful metal band at the Bow Theatre and how I met you there later because I had some stuff to do?'

Blaine nodded in confirmation.

'Well that was where I went, to see him. He was in the Carmel auditorium when I found him, I told him I knew what he'd done for me and I asked him why. He said it was because a part of him would always care for me and because he believed in me, he'd made me a promise when we were dating that he was going to help me make all my dreams come true…and that was what he'd been trying to do when he spoke to Carmen. When I asked him what I could do for him in return he said I could sing with him. And do you know what song he chose?'

Blaine shook his head.

'The One That Got Away…that was the last time I saw him until he was on Hot and Famous telling the whole world he wrote those songs for-'

'The girl that got away.' Blaine finished for her, suddenly starting to realise where this was going.

'Exactly…and he'd also promised that whenever I made it to Broadway, whatever I was in and no matter how small my part, he'd be there on opening night. And he kept that promise Blaine, he was there.'

'Did you see him?'

'No…he came backstage but I was with Finn. He wrote me a note telling me what he thought of the show and he dropped it off at the theatre the day after, along with a CD which contained a song clearly expressing Jesse's thoughts on the idea of Finn and I trying again seeing as how he'd overheard our conversation. And that was the last contact I had with him. The thing is I don't even know what I want. I also don't know what he wants, maybe nothing…we haven't actually been in each other's lives for so long, but even so when I think of dating anyone else it just doesn't seem right. I can't picture anyone but Jesse. Is that insane?' she asked, worried that Blaine would confirm that it was.

'No it isn't crazy Rachel. You clearly have quite the history, and you share the same passion, and it sounds like he's just as much a tortured drama queen as you like to be…but honestly Rachel I don't think refraining from dating any other guy on the off chance that you and Jesse are meant to be together is the answer. I mean do you even know where he is right now?'

Rachel shook her head, looking down at her hands rather than at Blaine. He was right, she knew he was right – but it didn't mean it made hearing it any easier.

Blaine, sensing her discomfort, leaned over and took her hands before carrying on speak, 'Rachel you can't put your life on hold for him and turn down every nice guy who could potentially make you just as happy due to a feeling he might not even reciprocate anymore. I'm not saying he doesn't care about you, I'm also not saying give up hope, nor am I saying you have to get serious with anyone – I'm just saying be open to other possibilities. Then maybe one day, when the time is right, you and Jesse will be ready for each other.'

Rachel nodded, 'You're right. Thank you Blaine….do you mind if we keep this between us? It isn't that I don't trust everyone else, it's just….'

'Shhh Rachel don't worry, I get it. I won't even tell Kurt, even though it is almost impossible for me to keep a secret from him. '

She smiled and squeezed his hand before standing and saying, 'speaking of Kurt he'll be here to join us soon, shall we head back down stairs.'

'Yes, in fact I have a brilliant idea. I think to cheer you up before he gets here we should have a competition to find the other person the ugliest outfit in the store – then we'll try them on. The loser can clean the bathroom for a week! Are you in, or are you too chicken Berry?' Blaine challenged as he stood up too.

'Game on Blaine Anderson…game on'

* * *

A week later the whole original New Directions team found themselves back together for what felt like forever, in order to celebrate the impending birth of Will and Emma's child.

It was lovely, Rachel had been overjoyed at staying in her old room again after so long. She was also thrilled to be joined by her weird makeshift musical 'family'. The day itself had been perfect, and what was even more exciting was the fact that Kurt and Rachel were going to be staying until Wednesday thanks to an unexpected change in their NYADA schedules for the next week. Blaine however had not been as lucky, and had headed back to the big city on Sunday night on his own.

Due to their unexpected extended presence Mr Shuester had asked the two of them if they would mind coming into McKinley on Monday morning and helping him out a bit with Glee club. He'd explained to Rachel that he was particularly hoping that she could speak to one of juniors on the team who had been there for two years, a girl by the name of Mary, who had impeccable talent – but for some reason he just couldn't get her to open up emotionally during a performance and therefore he found it was really limiting her true potential.

Entering the familiar school halls on Monday morning was a strange experience for Rachel Berry. It felt almost as if no time at all had elapsed since she had graduated and moved to New York, like the past two and a bit years had been nothing more than a dream. She almost expected the choir room to be filled with her old teammates. Santana and her would be somewhat frienmies high school relationships with Rachel, rather than the actual friendship they had now; Finn, and he'd still be her boyfriend rather than the slightly estranged friendship they had now; Mercedes and Kurt who would once again be complaining at their lack of solos and being stuck in her limelight, rather than the BFF stances they had now, and Brittany would be muttering some odd sentences….which to be honest hadn't changed over the years.

So it came as rather a surprise when she walked in and none of them where there. There was no longer any proof that they had been there once, no evidence except the trophy in the trophy cupboard and their photo. Rachel felt a bit of nostalgia hit her as she took it all, and looked at the young fresh faces in front of her,

'It's crazy how quickly the memories come back' Kurt muttered.

Rachel merely hummed in agreement.

Just then Mr Shue walked in and said, 'Oh hey guys, great you're already here. Everyone I want to introduce you to Miss Rachel Berry and Mr Kurt Hummel. Both were part of the original New Directions and on the original winning team and now they're both studying at NYADA and have had experience on Broadway. They've kindly offered to work with us until they leave on Wednesday evening. So over the next two days I want you to work really hard to impress them…why don't you guys take a seat for a second.'

As Kurt and Rachel sat down Mr Shue wrote the word family on the board.

'This is the topic for this week and I expect everyone to have a song ready by Wednesday. I want a song that best represents some of your emotions when you think of the word family , or something that shows your connection to the word. Now that doesn't have to mean singing about your parents, or your siblings or your grandmother. It can mean singing about your glee club family or your friends. Whatever you do, just put yourself into it. I just want to see something that expresses you and how you feel about that word.'

The rest of the meeting was pretty uneventful. Mr Shue asked everyone to perform last week's group number for Rachel and Kurt so they could see what the whole group was like. And while Rachel had been impressed with Mary's talent in particular she also had to agree with Mr Shuester's previous diagnosis or her…she was holding back and seemed to purposefully be refusing to involve herself in the emotion of the song.

Rachel also noted the way Mary seemed to be detached from everyone else in the group and the way she tore out of the room the second practices was over – almost as if she couldn't wait to get away from everyone.

'Is she always like that…so unsociable and so quick to escape?'

'Yeah recently…and it isn't because she doesn't have a choice. Poor Peter has desperately been following her round, trying to befriend her for the last two years. Emma, Sue and I have tried everything to connect and reach her, but nothing seems to work. It puzzles me, she doesn't seem interested in any of the normal things a teenager wants. Boys, popularity, they just seem to be nothing to her. She's on the cheerleading team but you'd never be able to guess it from looking at her, and she will only wear the outfit on match days…she's in Glee club but she doesn't seem to want to connect to the music. I just don't get it.'

'Don't worry Mr Shue, I'm sure before we leave Kurt and I can work it out.' Rachel said confidently.

'Thanks guys. And please stop with the Mr Shuester nonsense…I'm not your teacher anymore, now it is just Will.'

* * *

Rachel and Kurt had discussed the best way to approach Mary and whether it should be together or separately. Eventually they agreed one on one would be better, rather than ambushing her. So while Kurt met Finn for lunch, Rachel went to seek out Mary.

Eventually she found her sitting on the football bleachers, and she was unsurprised to find her alone.

'Hey, you're Mary right? Can I sit here with you?' she asked as softly as she could.

Mary merely scowled up at her as she debated what to say. Eventually she said, 'Yeah I guess….it is a free country.'

'So I heard you've been in glee club since you started here….what prompted you to join?' Rachel questioned gently, hoping to maybe open Mary up a little.

Instead Mary laughed bitterly before replying, 'Seriously you don't have to do this…'

'Do what?'

'Try and befriend me and fix my zombie like musical state. It is a waste of time, Mr Shue has already tried and it failed. So now he has you trying to do it...after all he wants to make sure we're all at our best for Sectionals.' Mary replied bitterly, before adding 'of course it has nothing to do with trying to fix _me,_ it is just all about getting this school another nationals title.'

'What no Mary that isn't the case at all. I mean yes Mr Shue wants to win Nationals again and I'd love for McKinley to do so also…but that isn't what this is about. You have a lot of talent Mary, it would be a shame for it to go to waste, that's all I promise.' Rachel tried to explain.

'Yeah whatever, I'm late for cheerleading practice.' Mary said as she rose.

'You know it is funny but I wouldn't have pegged you for a cheerleader…you just don't look like the type.' Rachel said as Mary scooted past her.

Mary looked down at her black clothes and a small smile played on her lips before she said, 'Yeah and why is that?'

'Well for a start I've only spent a few minutes with you and I can already say you're not really full of cheer and I can't see you being full of prep. Plus you don't really dress like a cheerleader.'

A small laugh escaped Mary before she could stop it, 'yeah well maybe I'm trying to bring a more dynamic vibe the cheerios…you're not what I expected either really Rachel Berry.'

Rachel smiled then. Mary slowly started walking away before she turned and shouted over her shoulder, 'My mother was a cheerleader, I do it in memory of her.' before she turned and carried on walking down the bleachers.

* * *

The second Mary got home she dropped her bag and dashed into her room before she punched in the familiar number on her phone.

Once again she got his answering machine. She'd been calling non-stop for the past two days and that was all she ever got. She'd left him a bunch of messages but he _never_ called her back, it was driving her crazy.

'Hey Jesse…it is me again. Look I really want to talk to you, I'm just not in a very good place right now, and Mr Shuester has given this ridiculous family assignment for glee which I am sure is a low shot at trying to make me more vocally emotional or whatever….oh and I met your Rachel Berry today, he's brought her in to try and bring me out of my teenage downward spiral of hate or something I guess. She's pretty and I can see why you like her…she's different than I would have imagined. Well, whatever, call me when you get this if you deem it important enough.'

And with that she hung up the phone, threw it onto her bed and sat down in defeat, feeling the tears prick at her eyes as she thought about how alone she felt right now.

* * *

Will was distracted thinking about going home to his beautiful wife when he walked into his office to drop of some papers so at first he didn't notice the person sitting in his desk chair. He looked up when he heard the clearing of a voice and jumped so fast he whacked his head on the door frame.

'Jesse, what the hell are you doing in my office? What are you up too?' he asked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

'I'm here about the trouble you've been having with Mary O'Neil and to help you with her.' Jesse answered simply with a shrug.

'How would you know anything about the situation with Mary?'

'Easy…she's my sister.' He replied.

It took Will a second to digest those words…there was no way that could be true. Jesse was up to something.

'Jesse I don't know what you're planning, or what little trick you have up your sleeve but I happen to know for a fact that Mary isn't your sister.'

'Oh realllyyyy? And how could you know that?' Jesse pushed

'It says on her transcript her mother died when she was nine years old. It might come as a shock to you but I actually remember speaking to both your parents when you transferred here…you're lying.'

Rather than looking embarrassed or even sheepish at being caught out lying Jesse merely laughed heartily before he spoke again.

'Seriously, that is your proof? One measly phone call with 'my parents'? Those weren't actually my parents Mr Shue…they weren't even American, it's amazing what illegal aliens will do for a Visa…'

'You're telling me you got a couple of illegal aliens to pose as your parents on a phone call…and you expect me to believe that? How stupid do you think I am Jesse. How could you get them any kind of green card! How could you have fixed your transcript?' Will reasoned.

'No I don't expect you to believe that I could have done it, not on my own, but could Vocal Adrenaline and Shelby…yes, quite easily. And do you really want me to answer how stupid I think you are, because that could be a bit of a loaded question.'

'So did you actually move in with your uncle to transfer here or was that just another complete fabrication?'

'Well it wasn't a _complete _fabrication. I was living with my uncle at the time, I just moved in there when I was fifteen. My dad didn't exactly like music being made in our house after my mum died.'

'And the different last names?'

'I took my mother's maiden name as my show name after she died. It seemed fitting, she had once been a performer with that last name too.' said Jesse as he shrugged.

'So why lie? About all this? Why not just be honest about your family life – it didn't make it any easier for you to transfer here, in fact it probably made it harder the amount of fake paperwork you must have had to do!'

'Honestly I can't answer that fully…grief will do strange things to you and I spent a lot of time up until meeting Rachel trying to run from the past…and I guess it did do something to my ego being able to fool everyone like that, it was definitely a good practical test for my acting skills.' Jesse answered with a ghost of a smile on his lips.

'How do I know you're not lying about this then…about Mary being your sister?'

'Good question, asking that was probably the first smart move you've made in a while, excluding adding Mary to the New Directions of course. I am an impeccable actor Mr Shue as I am sure you've become aware after our many meetings, and when the occasion calls for it I can be a morally questionable but broodingly handsome excuse for a human…but I'd never lie about this. To convince you I've brought evidence. Photos of Mary and I growing up, copies of my birth certificate with my father's last names on them, news clippings from around the time of my mother's death…'

Will looked it all over. When he thought about it later he would be struck by the simple fact that out of everything he had just heard, what was most surprising to him was the real identity of Jesse and Mary's mother…

'Your mother was Mary St James?'

'Yes'

'Wow I saw her in the West End in her performances of Jesus Christ Superstar…she was incredible. I never really understood when she gave up the stage just as she was making a name for herself.'

'She missed my father and she wanted to marry him, they had been together since they were children…she did four years in London before she decided the stage and stardom couldn't compete with the way he made her feel. She decided she wanted a family and a quiet home with him…she loved music and the stage, but she loved the home life more.' Jesse explained.

'And you want to help me help Mary?'

'Yes…I thought she was doing ok but after you had my father in last week he phoned me at a loss over what to do. Mary herself has left me a bunch of messages too…I'm not sure what it is, I just know that acting so offhandedly isn't in Mary's nature. I'm going to talk to her, see what I can do.'

And with that Jesse St James stood up, grabbed his jacket and walked to the door, clapping Will on the back as he did so. Just as Jesse pushed open the door Will called his name causing him to turn.

'Yes?' Jesse enquired.

'You constantly surprise me.'

Jesse wasn't sure whether that was a compliment or not, so he merely nodded his head as he walked through the door.

* * *

Mary wasn't in the next morning and Will was starting to get uncomfortable about it. Just as he had made up his mind to phone her father to ask about whether Jesse _really was_ her brother there came a knock on his door and Mary herself came into his office.

'Hey' she said simply.

'Hi Mary, where have you been…no one phoned to say you were going to be in late and I was getting a little worried you.'

'I'm sorry I was working through some stuff and trying to work on this week's assignment for glee club.' She explained.

'Ok well I am going to speak to Higgins on your behalf this one time, but in future Mary you can't just not turn up without letting anyone know. Even if you are working through some personal issues.'

'I understand and I'm really sorry Mr Shue…I actually came to talk to you about something else.' She said hesitantly.

'Sure, why don't you sit down?' Will offered, gesturing to the chair in front of his desk as he did so.

Mary smiled briefly as she sat down.

'I won't beat around the bush. Jesse said he came to see you last night and explained to you that he was my brother…I'd appreciate it if you kept that private. I don't want everyone knowing about my personal life, nor do I want everyone poking around and asking questions about my mother's death…'

'Mary I understand you don't want everyone asking you questions, but I think by hiding these things from people you are hiding yourself. I think that is why you struggle…because you are so intent on keeping all these secrets that you won't let anyone get close to you.'

'I appreciate your concern Mr Shuester, but really, this is not your call to make. I'll see you later.' And with that Mary stood and ran out of the room.

* * *

At lunch on the Tuesday Rachel once again found Mary sitting on the bleachers. After yesterday's meeting one thing had been clear, whatever was stopping Mary from allowing herself to feel her performances it was related to her mother. Rachel was sure of it, and if forced too she would bet everything she had – her future Broadway career even – on the fact that Mary had brought up the reason she was a cheerleader was to honour her mother's memory as a way of reaching out and asking for help.

'Hey Mary' she said as she stood over her.

'Hey…here to try and bond with me some more?' Mary asked, not looking up from the pad she was writing in.

'No I'm not Kurt would like to speak to you though. I think he might be able to help you more than I can.'

'What can lady face possibly have to say to help me?'

'Well yesterday when you were leaving you said that you became a cheerleader in memory of your mother…and I thought if you wanted to talk about that, about your mother, that he might be better than me at understanding. His mother died when he was younger too.' Rachel tried to explain softly, biting her tongue to stop herself from scolding Mary for the derogatory way she referred to Kurt.

Mary finally looked up from her notebook and studied Kurt. Then she stood up, swung her bag onto her shoulder and said, 'Look I know you are just trying to help, but I really don't think anything either of you has to say is going to help. And FYI the two of you might want to go and tell Will Shuester, that preppy little wife of his and Sue Silvester and any other God damn person who wants to get all up in my business that although I might not emotionally connect with some stupid song, or I might not be the most cheery of the cheerios, it doesn't mean I don't feel and I don't express myself. I write ok, that is what I do, I am a writer. My brother and my mother were the born entertainers who loved the spotlight, my dad and I have always been happy waiting in the wings. And I do enjoy singing, I enjoy glee club, but I am not looking for a physiological assessment at every meeting. Good day.'

And with that she walked away.

* * *

About three hours later she was sitting in the quad looking at the photograph Jesse had given her last night, as he'd tried to help her reconnect with the memory of the mother Mary felt was slowly slipping away, when she felt someone sit down next to her.

At first he didn't speak but after a minute Kurt broke the silence by saying, 'Look I know you don't want to talk about it, and I know you think right now you are alone…but a wise person once told me you might be lonely, but you are not alone. People care about you Mary, if they didn't then we wouldn't be here right now. And despite what you might think, I probably understand your grief more than you give me credit for.'

Mary processed this for a few minutes before letting out a breath and asking in a quiet voice, 'How old where you when your mum died?'

'I was eight and I can honestly say that was probably the most lost I have ever felt before in my life. I remember just knowing that nothing was ever going to be the same…how old where you?'

'I was nine…and it all happened so fast. I couldn't really grasp what was happening, she was the first person in my family I ever lost…I bet after your mother passed away your dad didn't send you away?'

'No, but it wasn't easy for us either. I knew he always loved me, but deep down I was always aware that he struggled with my being different more than he would have done had she been there too..' Kurt answered shrugging.

'You mean with you being gay?'

'Yes, I mean with me being gay.'

'Yeah my dad struggled with me being a girl…and he struggled with my brother being musical too. I think everywhere he looked he just saw reminders of my mother, of what he lost. They'd known each other all their lives, so I think suddenly having to face life without her was too much. So he sent me to boarding school and he practically chased my brother out of the house.' Mary finally said.

'That must have been hard for you.' Kurt pushed lightly.

'Yeah it was. But things have been getting easier recently, my dad's been really trying since I moved back home and I thought it was getting better.' She carried on.

'So what changed?'

'It's their wedding anniversary last week, and I didn't know until I came home and found my dad crying. After all this time he still feels it that much, and me…I didn't even know. I didn't know when my own parents wedding anniversary was. And then I started wondering about all the other things I didn't know – you know I used to have this jumper that belonged to her. After she died I carried it everywhere with me and it brought me so much comfort because when I was wrapped up in it I felt like I was there in her arms…and I miss that smell so much now.'

Kurt placed his hand over hers and then noticed the photo on the table, Is that your mother?' he asked.

When Mary nodded Kurt smiled and said, 'She's beautifu.'

Mary smiled and wiped her eyes, 'Yeah my brother gave me that photo yesterday. I find it so hard to picture what she looks like now and every day I feel more and more like she's slipping away – so when he came home and found out how much that was upsetting me he gave me this photo, the only one he has. And then he drove me up to where she's buried this morning. It's the first time I've ever been there, and I guess I just wasn't expecting to feel all the pain this much.'

'Well it sounds like your brother is a special guy who loves you very much. You're lucky to have that' Kurt said.

'Yeah he is. It hasn't been easy for him either, I think my mother's death hurt him in ways I couldn't grasp being so young…but he flew in all the way from London just so he could be here for me. And to think yesterday I hated him because he wasn't picking up my calls...Kurt ca I ask you something?'

'Anything'

'Did you ever start to feel like you were losing her, your mother I mean?'

'Pretty much everyday, but then I look in the mirror and I search for the things inside myself that remind me of her - so I can remember she hasn't gone, not completely. A part of her is here. And that isn't the only thing that helps Mary...having people who love you to support you, like friends, you'll be surpised how much easier that crashing weight of grief is to carry when you find people who are willing to help you carry it.' he answered

'I'm sorry about what I said earlier, calling you lady face…it was completely out of line.' Mary said looking him in the eyes, her face completely showing how much she regretted her words.

'Don't worry, I'll forget it if you'll do one thing for me…'

'What?'

'Firstly I want you to start being nice to Peter, he wants to be your friend and he can help you carry that weight. And take everything you've just said to me today and find a song that can really express something about you.' Kurt said.

'Well actually I've been thinking about that, I've got an idea about what I'd like to sing…'

* * *

Robert O'Neil felt completely out of place sitting in the McKinley auditorium with two smug twenty year olds on either side of him. But both Kurt and Rachel had pounced on him when he had arrived, not giving him enough time to think twice about the promise he had made to Mary that he would turn up for whatever her surprise was.

It was probably a good thing they had stopped him from having enough time to chicken out. He wasn't sure Jesse would forgive him if he backed out on this either. When he'd dropped Jesse off at the airport this morning he had sworn he was definitely going to keep his promise to Mary to turn up for the surprise she had worked on. He knew it was important, Jesse and Mary had worked on it all night.

So here he was. He felt the way everyone stilled when his daughter came on stage, clutching a guitar and smiling at him broadly from the stage.

'Hi guys. As you know this week's assignment was family and something it means to you. Well none of you know this but my mother's name was Mary too…she died of cancer when I was nine. It happened really quickly, one minute she was there and the next gone, and my dad, brother and I have never really recovered from it – although we are getting there. Anyway what I think is pretty cool about this week's assignment is it comes right after my mum and dad's wedding anniversary. They would have been married for twenty five years last week and the more I learn about who my mother was – from my father, from my brother, form my grandparents – the more I realise just how much she loved her family…how much she loved my father. They were everything to each other, childhood sweethearts, best friends, and soul mates. So I'm going to sing 'Mary's Song (Oh My My My) for my parents and for their eternal love. This is for you dad, I love you.'

Robert felt the tears prick his eyes ever before his daughter started singing.

_She said, I was seven and you were nine_

_I looked at you like the stars that shined_

_In the sky, the pretty lights_

_And our daddies used to joke about the two of us_

_Growing up and falling in love and our mamas smiled_

_And rolled their eyes and said oh my my my_

_Take me back to the house in the backyard tree_

_Said you'd beat me up, you were bigger than me_

_You never did, you never did_

_Take me back when our world was one block wide_

_I dared you to kiss me and ran when you tried_

_Just two kids, you and I..._

_Oh my my my my_

_Well, I was sixteen when suddenly_

_I wasn't that little girl you used to see_

_But your eyes still shined like pretty lights_

_And our daddies used to joke about the two of us_

_They never believed we'd really fall in love_

_And our mamas smiled and rolled their eyes_

_And said oh my my my..._

_Take me back to the creek beds we turned up_

_Two A.M. riding in your truck and all I need is you next to me_

_Take me back to the time we had our very first fight_

_The slamming of doors instead of kissing goodnight_

_You stayed outside till the morning light_

_Oh my my my my_

_A few years had gone and come around_

_We were sitting at our favourite spot in town_

_And you looked at me, got down on one knee_

_Take me back to the time when we walked down the aisle_

_Our whole town came and our mamas cried_

_You said I do and I did too_

_Take me home where we met so many years before_

_We'll rock our babies on that very front porch_

_After all this time, you and I_

_I'll be eighty-seven; you'll be eighty-nine_

_I'll still look at you like the stars that shine_

_In the sky, oh my my my..._

As Mary finished the song she felt a swell of pride when Mr Shuester, Rachel, Kurt and her father gave her a standing ovation, which was soon followed by the rest of the club.

Then before she knew it her dad was hugging her whispering how incredible she had been.

He was closely followed by Kurt and Rachel.

'You were incredible. Really, if you carry on like that I'll have to watch my back on Broadway.' Rachel said as she hugged her.

Mary hugged her back, biting back any comments she wanted to make about Jesse. It wasn't her place, he'd do what he needed to do in his own time and she had to respect that, just as he respected Mary's need for taking her own baby steps. Instead she just told Rachel she was flattered but Broadway really wasn't for her. Her singing dreams didn't progress past glee club, she was a writer through and through.

The Kurt had hugged her, whispering 'your mother would be very proud.'

'Thank you both, I couldn't have done it without you. I mean it, I know it wasn't much – but I think just taking an interest helped me. One day I'm going to repay your kindness to me.'


	7. Always On My Mind

**Hi everyone, thank you, thank you, thank you for the reviews. They are incredible and I love you all for them so much. Also thank you to everyone who has had added this story to their favourites, their alerts, etc - you are the reason I write. So please keep reviewing and keep favouriting.**

**I am sorry but I didn't quite get to their meeting, but as you'll see at the bottom it is going to be the next chapter...it just felt more natural to have a break there rather than skimming through their first meeting. I am really excited about the next few chapter though because I'll finally get to write together and actually speaking...it is going to be so ST BERRYinss! **

**Anyway here is the new chapter. Sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors, I hate spotting them in my work but yet no matter how much I proof read I miss some.**

**Disclaimer - Nope not mind, the songs are: Always on my Mind by Elvis obviously, and Chester See Loved and Lost (or Jesse St James if you are to believe my fic) and once again the chorus to Everything by Chester See...as always check out the songs on youtube**

* * *

Jesse's first term at RADA seemed to fly by and before he knew it December was around the corner bringing with it the Christmas holidays and he had a decision to make…he could either stay in London for the two week break and take on a role in a panto – therefore engraining himself totally in his new culture and also helping to further his career – or he could go home and spend Christmas with his family. Usually this would be a no brainer and he would jump at the chance to further his career, but for once Jesse was torn between his career and his family. Mary had had a rough year, and although his father had assured him that she was doing better than she had been doing when he had flown in to see her in September, Jesse knew he'd feel better if he could only see her in person.

Jesse was constantly haunted by Mary's words on the day he'd first told her he was going to London, particularly her declaration that she longed for a proper family…hadn't he promised her then that she belonged to a proper family, that finally after so long of three people battling to forget each other they were actually going to be there for each other? Surely part of that proper family included a proper family Christmas...that was something the three of them hadn't had in eight years. Whenever Jesse thought about that it became glaringly obvious to him that his decision really was simple. Mary deserved better, and this year he was determined that he would do all in his power to show her a proper family Christmas.

Mary however had been horrified at the idea that Jesse might miss out on a chance to further his career in order to come home just for her. And no matter how much he had argued that he needed this too, she would not budge. In the end their father had been the one to help them reach a compromise, when he suggested that he and Mary could spend from the 21st December to January 2nd in London with Jesse. That way Jesse could carry on working over the holidays, all three of them would have the family Christmas they had been denied for so long, and it would give both Mary and Robert a chance to explore the city and see Jesse on stage.

When the time of their arrival finally came Jesse found himself increasingly nervous. Although he'd become accustomed to a rapid change of emotions over the last few years, feeling more than he'd allowed himself to previously, nerves had still never really phased him. Except when he'd been interviewed on 'Hot and Famous' and he'd admitted Rachel was his muse, or when he'd gone to see her Broadway debate – although he'd been more nervous for her than for any personal reason relating to himself. He'd expected that perhaps he'd have been nervous whenever he took to the stage, but it had become increasingly obvious that Vocal Adrenaline really had beaten all the performances anxiety out of him. So the way he was constantly on edge whilst they were both staying with him was a bit of a shock to his system.

Mary found it incredibly sweet though, especially the way Jesse was determined to make sure everything was perfect for them. On their first night Jesse had instructed them to wait up for him to come in from his performance so they could decorate the tree whilst drinking hot chocolate. And then every night from there onwards he had organised something else festive for them to do, and whilst he was out during the day he left both Mary and their father a list of the most exciting things to do in London during the holidays. On Christmas Eve Jesse just had a matinee performance and both Mary and Robert had front row tickets. Mary knew more than anything this was something Jesse was nervous about – as it wouldn't only be the first time she saw him perform, but the first time their father did too. But he had no need to be nervous, he had been phenomenal. His comic timing, his singing, the way he clearly loved the script and how much he clearly loved his fellow cast members – it had all been perfect, and both Mary and Robert had told him so.

Jesse, Robert and Mary had all made a deal that when the clock struck midnight they could welcome in Christmas day by each giving one gift to the other two. And although Jesse had been extremely proud of the gifts he had chosen, and whilst Mary's present had intrigued him, as it had come with the offer of a project for them to work on together, the clear winner that night had been their father.

'I hope you don't think I've cheated with my gift, because I haven't actually bought anything physical for you…in fact it isn't going to cost me anything at all and it is something I should have given you both a long time ago.' Robert explained, as he walked over and sat at Jesse's piano, playing the keys gingerly.

Jesse and Mary exchanged puzzled looks with one another. In all his life Jesse could never remember his father playing the piano, or being musical at all really. Even when his mother had been alive, she had been the performer and their father had been happy writing for the newspaper he worked for.

Their exchange hadn't been missed by Robert and he smiled at them as he tried to explain.

'Your mother taught me how to play when he were children. She was always demanding that I played the music to things whilst she sang the lyrics, or she'd ask me to play the music so she could do the dance steps to something…she grew out of it at about the age of fourteen when I think she realised she was never going to morph me into the performer she wanted me to be. But even now I can still remember the gentle way she taught me to play, and I've never lost the skill…although I have become a bit rusty. But I wanted to sing something to the two of you, by way of an apology. I know I haven't been the best father to either of you over the years and I know I've hurt you, but I need you to know that I love you and I always have. Ever since the day you were born, you are both the best thing I have ever done in my life…and your mother thought so too. I mean she could have had anything, had anyone. But she chose the boy next door, even when she had the world at her fingertips and offers of West End shows flooding in and marriage proposals from millionaires – she still chose me, and she chose our life and she never once regretted it. And my only regret is that due to my own selfishness and my own grief I haven't been able to remind you of that every single day since she died, because I should have been. So my present to you on this Christmas morning is to play you one of the first songs she taught me to play on the piano, the one she sang to me the night she came back from London – the night she told me she didn't want stardom because she didn't have anything without me, and I want to sing this to you because that is how I feel…I have nothing if I don't have the two of you.'

Jesse, noticing Mary's quiet sobs, gently put his arm around Mary as their father started playing the keys.

__

Maybe I didn't treat you

_Quite as good as I should have_

_Maybe I didn't love you_

_Quite as often as I could have_

_Little things I should've said and done_

_I just never took the time_

_But you were always on my mind_

_You were always on my mind_

_Maybe I didn't hold you_

_All those lonely, lonely times_

_I guess I never told you_

_That I am so happy that you're mine_

_If I made you feel second best_

_I'm so sorry I was blind_

_But you were always on my mind_

_You were always on my mind_

_Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died_

_Give me, give me one more chance_

_To keep you satisfied_

_I'll keep you satisfied_

_Little things I should have said and done_

_I just never took the time_

_But you were always on my mind_

_You were always on my mind _

_You were always on my mind_

_You were always on my mind_

Jesse was stunned, he had no idea what to say as his father finished playing. It was everything he'd ever really wanted from his father, an admittance of his own failings, an expression of fatherly love…and yet it was so much more than he had ever dreamed he could have. Jesse wasn't naïve enough to think that this would magically make his relationship with his father any easier, but Jesse knew his father had taken one huge step in the path back to both of his children that night…

Suddenly his father broke the silence by simply saying, 'I'm sorry I'm not a talented perform like your mother and the two of you, but I-'

'It was beautiful dad,' Mary cut across as she flung herself into his arms.

'Yeah Mary's right, it doesn't matter how musically gifted you are – nothing can compare to the emotion in your performance dad.' Jesse said.

Later on that night after Mary was asleep and as Jesse was locking up Robert came up to Jesse, simply put a hand on his shoulder and said, 'You know something very special happened to this family the day you met that Rachel girl, I hope one day I can repay her for what she's done.'

Jesse felt something inside him tighten as he processed that – both Mary and his father had met Rachel personally now, but both had agreed that what happened between the two of them was Jesse's decision and it would be his choice to reveal to her his family connections. But Jesse knew this was his father's way of gently pushing Jesse to follow through with what his heart was calling for so he simply nodded.

He wished it could be that simple, but he was constantly plagued by insecurity over whether Rachel would want anything to do with him, whether she was still in love with Hudson, whether she was dating someone else. Plus he was in London and she was in New York, so it really wasn't like he was in a position to bear his heart to her anyway.

* * *

The night before NYADA classes started again Rachel was sitting in her room, with her ipod on and feeling blue and lonely. Which was crazy considering she'd spent the last few days at home in Lima with most of her friends and family and she had felt too crowded. But now Blaine and Kurt were out on a date, something they liked to make sure they made time for now they were living together, and Rachel had too much time to think.

As much as she had enjoyed seeing everyone at home, it had also been a bit of an emotional tidal wave. Tina and Mike had recently broken up and Tina had been distraught, and somehow it had fallen on Rachel to be the one to try and bring comfort. She wondered if this was because she and Finn had broken up – and therefore the rest of the group just assumed she was the best one to give advice on the subject. If that had been the idea then the others had been sorely mistaken, Rachel herself had inwardly cringed as she had assured Tina that eventually it does get better and one day she'll wake up and it will start to feel a little bit better.

Then of course there had been the issue of having to spend so much time around her incredibly happy and loved up friends, As much as Rachel wanted to deny it she was jealous of how happy and loved up most of her other friends except Tina were. Kurt and Blaine were blissfully happy and barely ever argued, Mercedes and Sam were stronger than ever since he'd moved out to LA to be with her – which in all honesty was something Rachel would never had bet on, Santana and Brittany were the same as ever and Artie had recently started seeing a incredibly beautiful and friendly blonde bombshell. Even Quinn and Puck had looked as though something might progress between them, but then they stopped and started on so many occasions that Rachel got dizzy just thinking about their on again off again relationship...and Quinn had always expressly stated she would never dream of being with Puck seriously until after Yale. But then after Yale was drawing ever closer so maybe she really was hoping that this time was the one that would stick. Being around them all in their lovely dovey state had nearly been enough to send her running right back to Finn…thank goodness for Jesse and his song 'Leave Him' to remind her not to return to where she had been plenty of times before.

The thought of Jesse brought with it the familiar confusion and pain. For a while after speaking to Blaine about everything Rachel had been doing really well…she went out with Tony a couple of times, and would have had more dates with him had it not become apparent to Rachel that Jenny was very much in love with him. Rachel had not been prepared to carry on building a relationship with someone she only had lukewarm feelings for if it meant breaking the heart of someone she cared about so much – and even Blaine and Kurt hadn't been able to argue against that decision. But after Tony Rachel had started accepting dates from people more often, and some of the boys she went out with she even quite liked…except there was always one drawback – when she sang with any of them she just didn't feel any spark, or any connection at all. Even with Finn she had felt a bond between them on stage, and with Jesse…well Rachel had never felt more on fire in her life than when she took the stage with him. And there was absolutely no point pursuing a relationship with someone she couldn't connect with in such an essential way – no matter how much Kurt and Blaine pushed her too.

Sitting there thinking about this Rachel's mind wandered to the card she had received over Christmas. It was still sitting in her bag – for some reason she just hadn't been able to pack it away in the little shoebox when she arrived back in New York. But tomorrow was the start of a new NYADA term and she had to put all thoughts of Jesse aside to focus on her work, therefore tonight she would allow herself to indulge in his memory and in her fantasy world in which she got to see him again….it was the only way she knew to exercise all these demons until she was able to do so face to face.

So grabbing the shoebox from her wardrobe and the letter from her bag she changed the song on her ipod to one from his six song mp3 album, and one which particularly spoke to her. And as she allowed his voice to fill the room, she allowed the memories and her deepest hopes for a future meeting consume her.

__

I fought with love

_And I called her bluff_

_But soon I was facing my biggest fear_

_Cause I walked away_

_When I should have stayed_

_Looked back, but she disappeared_

Rachel opened the shoebox and once again found herself face to face with all the memories relating to him that she had gathered over the years.

__

Screaming out what did I do

_When old memories make it harder to breath_

_Cause you know, just what you've lost_

_And you can't fall asleep cause she's there in your dreams_

_But you can't get away from your thoughts_

_When she's on repeat in your head_

_Wishing you could take back things you said_

_You've loved and lost_

She took out the note he had written reviewing her first Broadway performance and gently ran her fingers over the place his pen had touched.

__

She comes on by

_With a guy by her side_

_So you say that you're happy for her_

_Those eyes that you've missed_

_Are directed at his_

_You try not to show that you're hurt_

_Sometimes love just gets away_

Putting back the letter she brought out some of the photos from her junior prom and as she looked at their smiling faces she was forced to close her eyes against the memory of what had happened at Nationals that year – the way he had looked at her after that kiss, when she chose Finn over him.

__

When old memories make it harder to breath

_Cause you know, just what you've lost_

_And you can't fall asleep cause she's there in your dreams_

_But you can't get away from your thoughts_

_When she's on repeat in your head_

_Wishing you could take back things you said_

_You've loved and lost _

Putting back her junior prom photos she picked up the sheet music that reminded her of him…'Hello', 'Rolling in the Deep', 'The One That Got Away'….

__

I'll turn around and leave gracefully

_But I'll never stop wishing you'd come back to me_

And then Rachel reached for the Christmas card she'd received.

__

When old memories make it harder to breath

_Cause you know, just what you've lost_

_And you can't fall asleep cause she's there in your dreams_

_But you can't get away from your thoughts_

_When she's on repeat in your head_

_Wishing you could take back things you said_

_You've loved and lost_

Opening the envelope she took in the picture on the front, to the outside eye you'd probably think it was nothing special – just a Christmas star. But to Rachel it was his way of reminding her he was on her side.

Opening the card she read and re-read what he had written, even though she had it memorised now.

__

Dear Rachel

_I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I know you've got a promising year ahead of you and I look forward to seeing what you do._

_Don't forget you singing 'Don't Cry for Me Argentina' in front of a sold out crowd is not a fantasy. It is an inevitability._

_JSJ_

_X_

Nothing special, no love this time, no declaration of feeling…just short and to the point. But it was more than she had expected. When it came through the post her dads had honestly thought she had just been offered the lead in a Broadway show due to her reaction, but when she explained it was just a card of an old friend they had quickly lost interest.

Slowly Rachel laid the card in the shoebox with the other things and placed the lid back on. Getting up she walked to the wardrobe, put it back with the other two and then climbed into bed – allowing her body to fall into the deep sleep in desperately needed before the regular routine of hard work resumed tomorrow, but even if her sleep Rachel was haunted by the imagine of a dark curly haired boy with the voice of a God.

* * *

The next day Rachel was in her ballet class when someone came in requesting that Rachel Berry go to see Madame Tibideaux. Rachel was at a loss as to why she had been called out of her class, but her confusion only grew when she was told to wait outside Carmen's office with none other than Kurt.

'They pulled me out of tap class, have you any idea what they want?' he asked

Rachel shook her head and said, 'No, they pulled me out of ballet…all they said was Madame Tibideaux wanted to see me.'

'Well I guess now we wait.'

'I guess we do.' Rachel agreed.

After ten minutes Madame Tibideaux came out of her office to invite them into her office.

'Now I am sure you are both wondering what I'm doing pulling you out of classes in the middle of your first day back, but I'm sure this is something you'd rather know about right now. A dear friend of mine has recently started working on special project to produce a wonderful off Broadway show for six weeks over the summer. He's very keen that the writers and creators of the show have their say over who should be considered for such a production and it turns out three names came out of the discussions, one name for the director of the show and two suggestions for two of the lead characters. And it turns out those two names for the actors where you. Now nothing is set in stone and you'd still have to audition for the show, but I'd strongly encourage you both to read over the script, try and get a feel of the songs and then see if you'd be interested. If you are then please come and see me in a few days to confirm you would like to audition, and should either of you get a part please do not worry about your studies – we will work round any rehearsal problems and clashes that might appear later on. Any questions?'

'Who exactly wrote the show and suggested Kurt and I for the parts?' Rachel asked

'The creators have expressed a wish to remain private at this point in time and I intend to grant their wish. I am sure once you read the script you will be able to make a decision on whether you want to be in this show based on that, rather than based on those involved in its origination.'

After they were dismissed neither Rachel nor Kurt spoke for a moment. They just stood there in the hallway at a loss for words, then suddenly they both started speaking at once.

'Who would suggest us?'

'Why would the writers and creators want to remain anonymous?'

'How realistic is it that we would be cast?'

'Who do you think the director would be?'

But no matter how hard they tried to think up the answers to these questions they could not work out who, how or why this had happened to them. It just led to more questions. So in the end they gave up trying and agreed it was better just to be excited that someone out there had noticed them.

That night in her room Rachel sat down and poured over the script. It was so touching and moving that she couldn't help reading it another two times. The show itself was an ensemble piece that focused on five main characters, all of whom were teenagers and all of whom felt misunderstood or like outcasts. There was the jock who felt the pressure to achieve what his father never could on the football field, there was the geek girl who struggled with feeling invisible and her longing for the football star she could never hope to have, her best friend who wanted to be a singer in a band but whose parents wanted him to go to college instead of chasing his dreams – he was also desperately in love with his best friend, there was the gothic girl who'd been hurt by her family and didn't want to let anyone else in, and then there was the guy who struggled with his identity, who questioned his sexuality and place in this world. Rachel knew in an instant that the latter character would be the one Kurt connected to and wanted to play, whereas Rachel loved the geek girl. The dynamic relationship she had with her best friend the musician and the jock were both beautifully written and instantly relatable to her.

The songs were also incredible and summed up each character and each scene perfectly. Although Rachel couldn't help thinking there were still a couple of songs missing…perhaps this show was still a work in progress. She would just have to question Carmen about that when she went to go and confirm that she was interested in being in the show. Because if there was one thing Rachel Berry knew with every fibre of her being, it was that this show was something she wanted to be a part of and she knew without even knowing who would direct it, or who really created it, that being a part of it would be something she'd be proud of for the rest of her life. Even if it wasn't a show for Broadway, the script had more heart than a lot of previous contenders she'd seen.

The next morning Rachel emerged from her room to find Kurt sitting at their tiny table sipping some tea, and judging by the Beach Boys belting out of Blaine's mouth from the direction of the bathroom it was safe to say he was in the shower.

Rachel sat down across from Kurt and before he even had a chance to say good morning she jumped right into what she thought was the most important thing to discuss.

'Did you read the script?'

'Yes' Kurt answered

'And what did you think?'

'I thought it was incredible. The way the writer captured all the fears of being a teenager and all the pain and joy…I particularly loved that some of the characters don't get these lala happy endings but instead these incredibly sad but realistic endings. You?'

'I completely agree, I loved it, I was born to play the part of Mandy.' Rachel confirmed.

'Well let's hope we can wow everyone at the auditions then.' Kurt said with a twinkle in his eye.

'We will Kurt…we were born to be in this show, I just know it!' Rachel said confidently as she reached over and squeezed his hand.

* * *

Will Shuester couldn't believe the day he had had. If it wasn't strange enough having a New York theatre producer show up at the school you work at and beg you to consider directing a coming of age musical he's working on, then hearing his wife's completely calm assessment that perhaps he should consider taking it that had sent him into a daze.

'Emma I can't just accept this offer, no matter how great an opportunity it is. What about you and baby Chloe? We promised that we'd get through this together, the two of us, I can't just up and leave you to direct a show right after she's born.' He reasoned.

'William would you listen to yourself, you're just making excuses. Did the producer not say that you could do a lot of initial work from Lima?'

'Ok yes he did but what about the summer when it opens in New York…he said it will run from the middle of July to August and he's going to want me in New York from June.'

'Well then we can come with you for the summer.' Emma replied again.

'What about my students? I have a responsibility to them – I mean I can't take them to Nationals and be involved in this show and help you raise our daughter. It is too much for one person.' Will counter argued, causing Emma to sigh in exasperation.

'Will will you just listen to yourself? You are making up reasons for why this cannot work, as if you are afraid to take the chance. Someone wrote this script and this music thinking you would be the perfect person to help tell their story…and I think they are right. And you saw the audition tapes, Rachel and Kurt could really have a shot because of this show – and it would be so much better if you're there to guide them. As for your kids of course you can't just abandon them, but what about having Finn and Holly Holiday help out? They'd be happy to shoulder the burden and it sounded very much like to start with they'd only have you working on the show Friday, Saturday and Sunday – meaning you and the cast would be coming and going from New York or here over that time. Really the full work would start in June after school has finished and I just think if you don't take this opportunity you are always going to regret it.' Emma fought back, desperate for him to listen to her voice of reason.

'I'll think about it…will that please you?' Will finally said.

'No, but it is a start.' She said as she leaned forward and kissed him.

* * *

After a week of toing and froing over it Will had just decided he was going to turn down the show, when he walked into his office to find both Jesse St James and Mary sitting there.

'Hi guys…everything ok?' he asked as concern flooded him.

'It will be if you agree to direct the show 'Misunderstood'.' Jesse replied simply.

'How did you know about that?' Will asked, suspicion rife in his voice.

'We wrote it.' Mary said.

Now that Will hadn't been expecting.

'I'm sorry did you say the two of you wrote it?'

'Yes…I wrote the script and Jesse wrote the songs.' Mary confirmed.

Will looked from Mary to Jesse and back again, all the time opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish as he tried to process this information. Finally he slumped down into his chair and simply asked, 'Why me? Why did you both choose me?'

Mary and Jesse shared a knowing look with each other before Jesse spoke.

'Because you're good at knowing how to get the best out of your performers, because you get the heart of every song your kids do, because you know how to get the best out of Kurt and Rachel and because you deserve it. Not to mention I trust you completely with the music I've written.' Jesse explained easily.

'And I trust you with my script. You get the issues those character are going through Mr Shue, you see it every day in your students. Plus we discussed it and we know that we can rely of you 100% to keep our involvement from this show from the cast, and you can always come and ask me stuff about the show whilst you're in school.' Mary added.

'I'm not sure guys. I'd love to be involved, but what with glee club and the baby, I'm just not sure…'

'Please Mr Shue we'll do whatever you need to make this as easy for you as possible…but we need you to make this show everything it could be.' Mary pleaded.

Will looked at her and remembered how lost she'd been a few months ago…and now here she was, sitting in his office having written one of the greatest scripts he'd ever read. She had come incredibly far and he couldn't argue with the fact that through this script she had finally done what he had been pushing her to do, and opened up. And then he looked at Jesse and he wondered again what exactly he was like on the inside and which version of Jesse was the real one, because seeing this caring young man in front of him who written some of the most beautiful songs he'd ever read – well it was hard to connect that to that stuck up, egotistical boy from Vocal Adrenaline.

'Alright, I'll do it.' He eventually said.

And then he was completely taken by surprise as Mary hugged him, as usually she avoided all physical contact with anyone.

Jesse clapped him on the shoulder and explained briefly that he'd most likely be in London if Will needed him, but if for any reason Will _did _need him he'd be on the next plane over.

* * *

Three months after Will agreed to direct the show and after Rachel and Kurt had successfully secured their parts everything was going smoothly. Will and the cast would alternate weekends, so one weekend he would fly into New York to work on the show and the next weekend the rest of the cast would come to Lima. They had odd weekends off and not all the cast were needed on every weekend, so so far everything logistically was running smoothly. The other three stars of the show were just as capable as Rachel and Kurt, and just as nice. Both Rachel and Kurt felt incredibly blessed to be working with such a great bunch of people, but the cherry on top of the cake for them was definitely working with Will.

Although they had tried many times to work out who could have written the piece neither of them ever got very far. And despite all their former glee clubbers trying to work it out too, they never seemed to get much further. The most likely suggestion so far was Bryan Ryan but somehow Rachel seriously doubted it was he who had created this wonderful piece.

On one of their Lima weekends Rachel was busy rehearsing one of her scenes with Kurt, seeing as how they lived together they practically knew this scene backwards by now anyway, as did Blaine – after all he sat through their re-enactments enough times - when Mr Shue walked in holding something.

'Hey everyone gather round. I've finally got it, the final song between Mandy and Chris, as we all know the musician best friend who is desperately in love with her. This is going to be their goodbye scene and I know the songwriter for this show is particularly psyched by this number so I wanted everyone to look it over and then we'll try giving it a run through.'

Rachel was practically giddy with glee as they passed her the new song, skimming it over quickly she couldn't shake the feeling that she recognised some of the lyrics vaguely but she couldn't place them. Before she had time to think about it too much she was being called onto the stage to act out the scene including the new song.

Again as the melody started to play she vaguely registered that it was familiar, the hauntingly beautiful music seemed to ring some distant memory at the back of her mind. But soon all was forgotten as she focused on what was being sung at her, the lyrics were some of the most beautiful and bittersweet she had ever come across. It was hard to say whether the tears were really acting or just the emotion this balled invoked in her as she thought about the songs meaning..

But then the chorus started and Rachel forgot everything, because then she knew…she knew exactly where she'd heard that song before and exactly who'd written it…

__

'Before I close the chapter to your name

_There's a couple things I never got to say_

_Your eyes are wonderful_

_And your smile is too_

_Your laughs contagious _

_And your heart is true'_

She was transported back to three and a half years ago and to that auditorium where he'd been seated playing at the piano…playing this. Jesse had written this show, Jesse had wanted her to star in it, and he'd also fought to give a role to Kurt and to have Mr Shue take on the job of directing it. She couldn't breathe, it was too much to take in, too much to learn all at once….she had to get out, and before she registered what she was doing she ran from the stage and out into the open air. Finding a bench to sit on she tried to take deep breaths and to accept the reality of what had happened. Of what Jesse had once again done for her.

A few minutes passed until she felt Mr Shue sit next to her.

'Rachel are you ok?' he asked, concern evident in his tone.

'I know who wrote it…I know…it was Jesse Mr Shue, Jesse St James, he wrote this show.'

'How did you find out?'

Rachel looked up then, there was no surprise in his voice and his face conveyed no amount of shock. He knew he'd known all this time and he hadn't told anyone.

'The song…I heard Jesse playing it a long time ago…how long have you know about this?'

'Pretty much since the start.' Will admitted.

'And you didn't tell us?'

'He asked me not too. He doesn't want people to know Rach…and I can't say I blame him. Besides Jesse's involvement isn't the full story behind it all, but before you ask I am not going to expand on that either, I made a promise to Jesse and some other people and I intend to keep that. Is this a problem for you Rachel, I know you and Jesse have a complicated history but-'

'I got into NYADA because of him.' Rachel admitted, cutting Will off from his sentence.

'What?'

'Yeah I got into NYADA because of him, he spoke to Carmen for me on my behalf during that day at Nationals– said I was the most talented person he'd ever known. And now look, he's pretty much handed me my own personally written lead in a musical. It is too great a gift, how could I ever repay him?'

Will couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. Jesse had gotten Rachel into NYADA, and she'd known for all these years and kept it to herself…and she was right, here he was giving her her own tailored show.

'Do you know where he is Mr Shue? So I can go and thank him? Please, I just, I need to see him.'

'He's in London Rachel.'

This news brought a devastating blow to Rachel. How could their lives be this closely entangled but millions of miles apart. How could they share this strong of a bond but only have dated for a few months five years ago. She felt tears prick her eyes but she refused to show how confused and upset she really was, so instead she stood up and told Mr Shue that whatever news had just been delivered it was no excuse for slacking off…the show must go on.

'Rachel, don't tell any of the other cast. Jesse isn't ready for people to know yet and we have to respect that…I know you and Kurt are close, but you've gotta keep this a secret.'

'I know Mr Shue, I know.'

* * *

Although Rachel had kept the news from Kurt she had told Blaine the moment she had got back. Although Blaine was less than thrilled about knowing who wrote the show, as this meant purposefully leading Kurt on and lying to him. He did however tell Rachel that he thought it had to be downright one of the most romantic things he had ever heard, and while he still supported the idea that Rachel should be open to dating other people, they should both also keeping tabs on any theatre news that could relate to Jesse St James coming to the US.

And a month after Rachel worked out it was Jesse's behind the musical it happened. Blaine practically tore in from the street, clutching his side and breathing heavily but holding up a paper.

'Are you ok?' Rachel asked, as she stood up from the sofa and ran to where he was standing desperately waving the paper round in the air.

But rather than responding to her concerned questions Blaine merely waved the paper in her face. It was then she noticed it was a performing arts newspaper.

'What Blaine I don't see what you ar-' Rachel stopped dead as she saw it, grabbing it off him to flip to the page.

And there it was, a musical gala for charity with famous theatre performers and musicians and Jesse just happened to be the opening act. It was also conveniently falling on one of the few weekends she wasn't needed for show rehearsals but Kurt was – so he'd be elsewhere and wouldn't notice she was missing.

'Blaine I have to talk to Jesse but that's going to mean getting backstage at this show, how am I going to manage it?' Rachel asked, there was no question of her not seeing Jesse - she just had too.

'I think we're going to need people more skilled at being devious, Quinn is going to be visiting Santana that weekend and since Kurt won't be around I can easily help you too. I'm sure between the four of us we can manage it.'

'I'm actually going to see him Blaine…for real.' She said, smiling widely and throwing herself on him in delight.


	8. Everything

**Hi guys, here we go Rachel and Jesse finally face to face. Don't be disheartened by the ending, they are going to spend time together in pretty much every chapter now.**

**Thank you as always for the reviews!**

**Disclaimer - Not mine, the songs are All in My Head by Nick Lachey and the full version of Chester See's 'Everything.'**

* * *

A week later Blaine and Rachel were standing in Santana's kitchen trying desperately to convince both Quinn and Santana to help them in their operation reunite Jesse and Rachel so they can talk. However both girls were sceptical.

'I just don't see why it is so important for you to speak to Jesse, he's like the enemy.' Santana argued.

'Yeah and he was a bit of a douche to you Rach' Quinn added.

'Please guys, I've told you I just can't tell you why I need to see him, but please believe me he is not that guy anymore. And FYI Finn could be a bit of a douche too but you never tried preventing me seeing him.'

'So not true.'

'The two of you were so vile and puke worthy that I spent every minute plotting your downfall. And besides I took his big V, how much more damage could I try and wreck on you guys….'

Rachel rolled her eyes at her friends protests.

'Rachel just tell them.' Blaine said from beside her.

'No.'

'You told me.'

'Yes because I was going through an emotional breakdown at the time and I thought you'd be the best person to speak to considering you didn't really know Jesse, I'm not telli-'

'TELL US WHAT!' Quinn cried, exasperated by their bickering.

Rachel looked at Blaine, unsure of what to do and desperately seeking his permission to break her silence to yet more people.

'If you don't tell them then I will, they won't help us unless they know…and besides they deserve some explanation if they are going to risk helping you get past the backstage security.' He reasoned.

'Fine, ok well the reason I need to see Jesse…well he's the whole reason I got into NYADA, he spoken to Carmen, he helped me to get my place…now are you happy. He's not a bad guy can we move on to forming the plan.'

'Is that all he's done?' Quinn questioned, sensing Rachel's desire to skim over this topic quickly.

'Yes th-'

'NO…she missed the part about him being the creator of the show she and Kurt are working on-'

'Ok thank you Blaine, yes he created the show-'

'-andddd he wrote a whole bunch of sappy songs about her and then talked about it on national television.'

'BLAINE! Can you stop now please, thank you!' Rachel said, totally mortified.

'Are you claiming Rachel is the girl that got away?' Quinn asked as she raised an eyebrow.

'Urgh yes ok that would be me.' She supplied.

'And you've really not seen him in all this time?' Santana questioned.

'No…look I haven't seen him, but I would like to for obvious reasons. Can we please move on…are you going to help me or not, because if you're not I can go waste my time elsewhere.'

'Of course we'll help.' Quinn said rolling her eyes at her overdramatic friend.

'Thank you.' Rachel said as she sat down at the table and said in her bossiest voice, 'we need to come up with a plan.'

* * *

'Are you sure this is going to work…?'

Santana hissed out a sigh through her teeth, clenching her fists to keep from slapping Rachel. If she asked that one more time she really was going to lose it.

'Yes it is going to work, I play at this club all the time Rachel and I know the bouncers all really well. Getting in without being on the guest list won't be a problem – getting backstage however will be, but considering we have three different plans on how to do that we're going to get there one way or the other. And the first one will work if we all just keep it together and put on our performances faces. Now for the love of god will you STOP FREAKING OUT!'

'Ok…I still don't know why I had to change into this outfit though.' Rachel mumbled under her breath, unfortunately not quietly enough for the complaint to go unnoticed by Santana.

'You had to get changed because you showed up at my house wearing that mental birdy dress…no one in their right mind would believe you were Broadways next biggest star if they saw you in a dress with birds all over it. Hell even I questioned the story and I know you're talented and _I've seen_ you on Broadway. So how is this plan going to work if you don't look the part Berry?' She spat out at her.

'Fine so my dress choice didn't quite reflect the image you were going for, but why do I have to wear this corset…I feel like the slutty version of Dorothy Gale.' Rachel whined.

Santana just carried on walking, ignoring Rachel's complaint was probably better than answering her. After all Rachel would only keep finding reasons to complain and Santana would only end up hitting her.

Blaine laughed at Rachel's comment and linked his arm through hers as they walked and said, 'For what it is worth I think you look pretty darn good, Santana did a good job.'

Rachel looked down at her red and cream checked corset top and short black skirt. She guessed she looked ok, she just didn't feel like herself and it made her uncomfortable. As if she wasn't uncomfortable enough thinking about seeing Jesse….this was all she needed.

'Blaine's right Rachel, you look amazing and Jesse isn't going to know what hit him when he sees you.' Quinn offered, smiling at her to try and encourage her to relax.

Rachel exhaled and felt her muscles relax a little. Everything was going to be ok, she could do this…she definitely, definitely could do this…

As Rachel turned onto the street with the club she felt her breath hitch and she had to stop where she was. The other three sensed her discomfort and all turned to stare at her.

Santana, still bitter from Rachel's earlier moaning snapped at her in frustration, 'Now what's wrong?'

Rachel looked at the three of them, terror flooding her.

'I can't do this…what if he doesn't want to see me? What am I going to say to him? What if I am making a massive mistake.'

Santana visibly softened at Rachel's words and her obvious fear, 'Rachel don't be silly, he wrote a whole musical for you to star in…and besides, what is the worst that can happen – at least this way you'll have all of the answers to those questions you have.'

'Santana's right' Quinn added, 'You've come this far Rachel you can't turn back now.'

'At least this way you can put Jesse St James to rest one way or the other.' Blaine interjected.

Rachel nodded and said, 'You're right guys. Thanks…I'm ready.'

'Ok, let's do this thing people.' Santana said, and once again took her place at the head of the group. She marched right up to the front of the ticket check queue and smiled broadly at the steward ticking people off the guest list.

'Santana, I didn't realise you were performing tonight.' he said brightly, smiling at her.

'Hey Joey, I'm not I'm just coming to see the show.' She said as casually as she could.

'Your names not on the list sugar.'

'I know, Amy forgot to add me…but it is important I get in, I have Rachel Berry here with me. One of the performers has requested a meeting with her afterwards as she's tipped to be Broadways next best thing.' And with that Santana pointed at Rachel, who did her best to scowl at him as if she was the disgruntled star Santana had instructed – promising her this would suggest Rachel found it highly insulting to be kept waiting outside.

'Excuse me but why are we being kept waiting. My client doesn't like to be kept waiting, it is bad for her vocals.' Quinn said, delivering her line so perfectly.

'This is Ms Berry's agent.' Santana explained, smiling at Joey before continuing and pointing at Blaine, 'and this is her personal stylist.'

Joey looked at the four of them before finally smiling at Santana, 'usually I wouldn't do this' he said before moving aside and saying, 'but since it is you sugar and seeing as how you are clearly a VIP Ms Berry I'll make an exception.'

'Thanks darling' Santana said, kissing him on the cheek as she pulled the other three into the club after her.

'Santana that was impressive' Quinn said as they checked their jackets.

'Yes thank you, let's hope the second part of the plan goes as smoothly.' Rachel added, her stomach dancing with nerves.

Slowly the three of them climbed the stairs into the main room. The stage was still empty, Jesse was due on in ten minutes…Rachel wasn't sure she could wait that long without throwing up.

'I'm going to get a drink, does anyone want anything?' Quinn offered.

'Hell yes.' Rachel answered.

'What would you like?' Quinn asked, trying to stifle laughter as she took in the look on her friends face.

'Anything alcoholic'

'I think little Miss Innocent Rachel Berry needs some tequila, and I think the rest of us should join her.' Santana suggested as the three of them followed Quinn in the direction of the bar.

* * *

Ten minutes before he was supposed to be taking the stage and Jesse was still fighting with Mary in his dressing room, as she kept throwing out more and more random ideas for songs he should cover whilst on stage.

'I don't understand what your problem is, I've been begging you to do Nick Lachey for the past year.'

'And if I haven't given in yet why would I tonight?' Jesse asked, cocking his eyebrow at her.

'Because for once I am actually here to see you in person….because I am your biggest fan, no starch that your only fan-'

'Haha very funny'

'-you love me, and besides which the song really isn't that bad. I mean it isn't like the lyrics are that happy, so it fits in with your whawha tortured by love act, but it you know…has a happy beat.'

Jesse just rolled his eyes at his sister's logic, leaned over and kissed her on the cheek and said,' keep dreaming sis…anyway I'm about to go do my thing. Have a goodnight, be well behaved around the artists backstage, don't even think about drinking anything and I'll see you on the other side!'

'You mean after the show?' she asked, confused.

This in turn made Jesse laugh and he confirmed that was exactly what he had meant.

'But you don't want me to come and find you right after you perform right…because I was kinda hoping I could see everyone and come and find you at the very end…'

'Yes, have fun just find me when you've done your Mary thing.' He confirmed as he headed for the door.

'Jesse' she called as she stood up and started to follow him

'Yes?'

'Good luck.'

* * *

'Just drink it!'

'I can't' Rachel whined, looking at the shot in her hand and then at her three friends who had all polished off their drinks.

'Man up Berry!' Santana ordered. But nothing they did was about to make Rachel give into the peer pressure.

But when the host of the event came on stage to announce the opening act and started to talk about his six song MP3 release, his time composing music for the 'Much Ado About Nothing' show and his other accomplishments Rachel found it remarkably easy to swallow the liquid. Then she found it remarkably easy to take Blaine's Martini out of his hand and down that too.

'WOOP you go Berry!' Santana said, while Blaine looked at her in shock and Quinn laughed.

Jesse's set was perfect and after half an hour he announced his last song.

'Now this song is dedicated to my biggest fan…she's been bugging me constantly over the last year for me to open up my repertoire and today has been no exception. The only thing she didn't realise was I've had this song lined up for the last month so I could finally fulfil her wishes and play out my set to this beauty. So please forgive me for my change in style, but sometimes you have to give the fans what they want.'

'Right it is his last song, assemble your positions people – we're going in!' Santana cried, grabbing Rachel and starting to weave towards the right hand side of the stage.

But when the song started all four of them were stunned into stopping for a moment.

__

Satellites blasting through the universes

_It's outta sight_

_It's all in my head_

_Saw your eyes_

_Sending me a message for the last time_

'What is that?' Santana asked, clearly disgruntled that after half an hour of mopey, crooning love songs about heartache Jesse had changed the tempo completely.

__

Here alone

_Holding on to something that I've never known_

_It's all in my head_

_I've crossed the line_

_There's no going back and there's no future_

_Tell me this isn't happening_

'Oh my God is that Nick Lachey?' Blaine asked, clearly delighted with how this night was going already.

__

She said she said

_Said she wants to marry me_

_It's all in my head_

_That's just not reality_

_It's over it's over_

_Cause she said it's all in my head (cause she said she wants to marry me)_

_It's all in my head (got my own take on reality)_

_Here on earth_

_She don't even wanna talk there_

_Are no words_

_It's outta my hands_

_So why, why (why)_

_Tell me this isn't happening_

'I actually think it is!' Quinn agreed, unable to keep from smiling at the sudden change in tempo

__

She said she said

_Said she wants to marry me_

_It all in my head_

_That's just not reality_

_It over it's over_

_Cause she said it's all in my head (cause she said she wants to marry me)_

_It's all in my head (got my own take on reality)_

Rachel laughed suddenly. She couldn't help it, Jesse was being so…well Jesse. His dances moves were flawless, as was his voice and his smile screamed pure bliss. He was performing, utterly and completely lost in the song. For once this was not him bearing his soul, or regretting past decisions – this was just him, loving what he was doing. And more than ever Rachel remembered why it was she was drawn to him in the first place.

__

Someone wake me up when she calls me (when she calls me)

_It's like I've been asleep _

_And she's gone (It's like I've been asleep and she's gone) _

_Someone let her know_

_I'm not breathing_

_Tell me this isn't happening_

_Tell me this isn't happening_

_She said she said (she said)_

_Said she wants to marry me_

_It all in my head (All in my head)_

_That's just not reality_

_It over it's over (It's over)_

_Cause she said it's all in my head_

'This is brilliant.' Rachel shouted over at Santana as the latter started to drag Rachel towards the right hand side of the stage again.

'If you say so.' Santana shouted over her shoulder, clearly not convinced.

__

She said she said 

_Said she wants to marry me (It's all in my head)_

_It all in my head _

_That's just not reality_

_It over it's over _

_And she said It's all in my..._

_All in my head_

_All in my head (It's all in my head)_

_All in my head (Oh)_

As Rachel and Santana reached the stage door, Santana plastered on her best game face and waltzed right up to the barrier baring people from coming through.

As she was about to cross it a rather large security guard came over, grabbed her arm and simply asked, 'and where are you going?'

'Backstage, where does it look like I am going?' she answered without flinching, 'and what do you think you are doing manhandling me?'

'Stopping you from going backstage, unless you have a pass you're not coming through.'

'Ummm do you have any idea who we are?' Santana asked, putting on the best show Rachel had ever seen. If she didn't know Santana herself she would have been convinced that she must be someone important judging by her reaction.

'No and unless I see your pass you are not getting back there.'

'Pass…I don't have a pass, I don't need a pass…I'll have you know that I am a one of the biggest soul singers this city has ever seen, and this is Rachel Berry' Santana gestured behind her at Rachel, 'Broadways newest hit and we have a meeting with Jesse St James, so whatever little power play you're doing you'd better stop it and let us come back there…unless you want to wind up out of a job.'

Judging by the way the guard shifted uncomfortably Rachel could tell that so far Santana's plan was working, and then right on time Quinn waltzed up to them, plastering a face of thunder on her as she did so.

'What the hell are you both still doing standing here? How many times do you need to be reminded that punctuality is important in this business?' Quinn delivered the line so wonderfully, and Rachel noted there were a number of people looking at them now.

'It isn't us, it's this security guard – we've told him we have a very important meeting with Jesse St James but he is flat out refusing to cooperate.'

'Is this true? You are not letting my clients through? Why…are you that incompetent that you can't even recognise two of the biggest breakthrough artists of this year?' Quinn demanded, clearly getting into her role and loving e every minute.

'You look very young to be an agent...' the guard pointed out.

'My age is of no concern to you, or anyone else for that matter, as long as I do my job right. Now tell me why can't you do your job right?'

Blaine came up to them then, just as the security guard was starting to shift nervously from one foot to the other.

'Rachel darling…how wonderful to see you here! I have to say you were fantastic in West Side Story, are you following through with my suggestion to meet up with the wonderful Jesse? I just know he is going to love you! And Quinny my favourite battle axe of an agent-' Blaine said as he leant over and air kissed both of them, '-and Santana my diva! Have you heard any more from Mercedes in LA…I believe she is just LOVING the sun and the champagne lifestyle.'

It took everything all three girls had not too exploded with laughter at Blaine's overly dramatic entrance into this little show.

'Oh Blaine darling' Rachel finally spoke, 'How kind of you. There seems to be some kind of mix up and these imbeciles aren't letting us get past to speak to Jesse. It is just awful.'

'What, no, no my dear that won't do' and then Blaine moved forward, brought the guard over to the side, quickly flashed Kurt's ID badge for the fashion magazine and said, 'I don't know what has happened but I think it would be wise of you to allow these ladies through. My editor and I worked very hard to arrange for Jesse St James and Rachel Berry to meet, they are going to be this falls beautiful on-stage couple and I have an exposé I just have to do on them tonight.'

The guard still looked wearily at the four of them, but he seemed to feel a little more lenient having seen Blaine's 'ID' card. Nodding at Blaine he called the other three over and said he would personally take all of them to Jesse St James. But he also warned all of them if they were lying then he would call the police on them.

* * *

Jesse was alone in his dressing room, absently playing the keys to the piano he had requested be put into his room – taking up most the space. He was trying to bring himself back to earth after his performance when he heard the knock at his door.

He assumed it was Mary and that she had decided it was time to stop texting him and just come and discuss his performance in person. She had definitely been ecstatic with the Nick Lachey number. And if it wasn't Mary it would be Alison, his friend from London who had come over with him…she'd said she would come backstage after his show to discuss the merits of it. Jesse groaned at the idea of Alison…she just wasn't who he wanted to see right now –as nice as she was, he was starting to realise that she perhaps thought their relationship was more than it was. He was certainly not looking forward to the conversation where he set her straight.

'Come in.' he finally called, after all if it was Alison he had to face the music some time.

However one of the security men came in and said, 'I'm sorry to disturb you Mr St James, but I am afraid there are four people here demanding to see you – they said it was a prior appointment.'

Jesse's brow furrowed in confusion, 'Who did they say they were?'

'A Mr Kurt Hummel, a Miss Quinnifer Bray, a Miss Santana Lopez and a Miss Rachel Berry…'

Jesse wasn't sure he had heard correctly at first. Rachel…she was here, she wanted to speak to him. His mouth had gone dry and his hands were suddenly sweating profusely.

The guard sensing Jesse's sudden shift in mood asked if Jesse wanted him to get rid of them.

'No, no I just forgot I was seeing them' Jesse said quickly.

'Ok, well I'll send them in.'

Jesse didn't even have a minute to try and pull himself together before the guard led in four people, causing a bit of a tight squeeze in his dressing room. His eyes were draw to Rachel…she looked just as he remembered. Stunning, eyes big and innocent, and her smile betrayed her nervous she clearly was.

But to Jesse's complete surprise the first thing that came out of his mouth when the guard left the five of themalone was directed at Blaine.

'You're not Kurt?'

'No I'm Blaine, I had to use Kurt's fashion magazine ID card in order to make the plan work.' Blaine babbled, not really helping Jesse understand what was happening.

'Jesse…I need to speak to you – is there anywhere my friends can wait for us until we are finished?' Rachel forced herself to ask, although her heart was beating wildly against her ribcage and she was sure she was going to pass out with the increasing mix of emotions flooding her body.

'Ummm yeah, the VIP room for none celebrities and stuff is actually directly across from this one. There is some food and drink in there I think if you guys want to wait there.'

'Sure' Quinn said smiling and squeezing Rachel's hand as she turned for the door, 'come find us when you've finished.'

Blaine hugged her quickly before he left and whispered, 'good luck' so quietly in her ear it would have been impossible for anyone else to hear him.

After her friends had gone Rachel felt suddenly shy and small. Despite the questions she had gathered over the years, she couldn't remember one for the life of her right now…being this close to him, it threw her. Years of dreaming had finally come true, and in reality it was so much more than she could ever have imagined.

Finally it was Jesse that broke their electric silence.

'What are you doing here Rachel?'

'You mean why am I wearing this stupid outfit and telling the guard Santana and I are massive stars and demanding he bring us in here…?'

'Yes'

'I saw that you were performing here and I had to come and see you…there is so much I need to ask, so many things I want to say…but it is funny now that I am actually here with you I kind of forgot them all.' She tried to explain.

After a couple of minutes Rachel forced herself to start with what was pressing most on her mind.

'I know it was you…who wrote the show.' She didn't explain which show, she didn't have to – the way his eyes shot up and captured hers when she said that proved to her that he knew exactly what she was on about.

'Did Will tell you? I'll kill him, he promised me he wasn't going to say anything-'

'No it wasn't Will.'

'Then how do you know it was me Rachel?' he asked, his eyes meeting hers and locking with them.

'Because of this' she said breathlessly as she passed him the song, 'I remember you playing it the last time we saw each other…before I interrupted you.'

Jesse looked at the song she had passed him, surprised she had even remembered he as at the piano that day when she came in, let alone any of the lyrics he'd been playing.

'You remember that?'

'Of course Jesse…I remember everything about that day.' Rachel said, smiling at him cautiously, her nerves eating her alive as she second guessed her decision to come. So far Jesse didn't seem to be giving the most emotional reaction to her being here, maybe after all this time he didn't feel the way she did…

Jesse merely nodded and then whispered 'Me too.'

'Jesse…will you do something for me?' Rachel asked, although she wouldn't blame him if he pointed out all the other things he'd done for her in the last four years.

'Anything.'

'Can you sing it for me…I've only ever heard my co-star sing it all the way through and I guess I was just curious as to how you created it to sound…and it is such a beautiful song.'

She wasn't sure why she asked for him to sing. She guessed it might be because subconsciously she thought it might be easier to have these conversations with him after he'd sang to her, or maybe it was just because she wanted more time to think and to gather her thoughts…but either way she just knew she needed to hear him.

Jesse smiled at her and nodded. Sitting down at his piano he started playing out the song he'd spent years perfecting.

__

She loved and left me

_Still she kept me_

_Wanting more, but feelings empty_

_Did she have to go?_

_Will I ever know?_

_Love and leave me_

_She deceived me_

_The way she kissed_

_Was so misleading_

_I thought that she might stay_

_Then she went away_

_Before I close the chapter to your name_

_There's a couple things I never got to say_

_Your eyes are wonderful_

_Your smile is too_

_Your laugh's contagious_

_And your heart is true_

_There's beauty in your touch_

_And your kiss is love_

_You're everything that every guy dreams of_

_You're everything_

_That makes me_

_Fall in love_

_It's been some time_

_But still I find_

_I'm struggling with our_

_Last goodbye_

_I thought this love would last_

_Now I'm living in the past_

_Cause it's just me_

_And memories of how my heart_

_Would skip a beat_

_Whenever you were near_

_Now you're never here_

_Before I find the strength_

_To let this go_

_There's a couple things_

_I need for you to know_

_Your eyes are wonderful_

_And your smile is too_

_Your laugh's contagious_

_And your heart is true_

_There's beauty in your touch_

_And your kiss is love_

_You're everything that every guy dreams of_

_You're everything_

_That makes me_

_Fall in love_

_You're everything that every guy dreams of_

_You're everything_

_That makes me_

_Fall in love_

_Your eyes are wonderful_

_Your smile is too_

_Your laugh's contagious_

_And your heart is true_

_Yeah, there's beauty in your touch_

_And your kiss is love_

_You're everything_

_Yes_

_You're everything_

_You're everything_

_That makes me_

_Fall in love_

_Yeah, in love_

'Jesse….there is so much I want to ask you, so much I want to say.' Rachel said as he finished playing.

'Me too Rachel, there are a lot of things I need to explain to you and tell you…' he started, unsure of how to go on. Thoughts of Shelby and the reasons he first met Rachel flooding his mind. He had to tell her, everything from his mother up to the true story of him and Mary creating that show.

Rachel was just about to open her mouth to start somewhere when the door opened and in walked a leggy blonde.

'Jesse baby you were brilliant - I honestly didn't think I could be more enthralled with anything as much as your 'Hamlet' recital last week, but that blew my mind!' the newcomer announced.

She was half way towards Jesse at the piano when she registered Rachel.

'Oh hello, I'm sorry I didn't see you there.'

Although the woman was pleasant enough on the outside Rachel immediately sensed her change in attitude and her annoyance at finding Jesse with another woman.

'Ahh Alison this is Rachel an old friend, Rachel Alison is-'

'-a friend from RADA' Alison finished for Jesse, holding her hand out and shaking Rachel's strongly.

Rachel noted the way Alison's hand came to lay on Jesse's shoulder protectively when she put her hand down.

'Well I'd better go' Rachel announced suddenly, practically running for the door in an attempt to get away. This Alison girl obviously didn't want her there, and the way Jesse didn't shrug her off had been the final blow to Rachel's confidence. Not to mention the way Jesse had so casually called her an old friend, as if that was all their history meant to him.

'No Rachel wait' Jesse called, standing up from the piano quickly.

'No Jesse really, it is ok, I've gotta go…we can just finish this some other time.' She said as she reached for the door handle, she pulled the door open and was about to leave without looking back before she thought better of it and turned to add, 'it was really great to see you again.'

Then she quickly closed the door on Jesse, went through the door in the room across from his and found her friends by the free bar.

'Is everything ok?' Quinn asked cautiously seeing Rachel's flushed face.

'We have to leave…now,' she summarised.

'Why what happened?' Santana questioned her eyes burrowing in concern, 'Do I have to go in there and kick Jesse's arse?'

'No, no of course not…look nothing happened…I'll tell you everything when we go. Can we please just leave?'

'Yeah ok come on guys.' Blaine said as he put his arm around Rachel, shooting Quinn and Santana a concerned look as they made their way out.


	9. Diamonds and Rust

**Hi, firstly sorry it has taken me a while to get this chapter up I've been on holiday and secondly thank you so, so, so, SOOO much for all your amazing reviews. I've literally had a massive smile on my face reading them all. They are incredible and I love you for them, please keep sending them because they keep me excited and motivated and just so happy!**

**Anyway I hope you enjoy the chapter, it is ALL just Rachel and Jesse...yey!**

**Disclaimer - I would be much more caring of the characters if Glee belonged to me so nope not mind. The songs are also not mine they are 'Diamonds and Rust' by the legend that is Joan Baez and 'With You, Without You' by Brad Pailsey as always youtube them if you want to know how they sound (which might help...I don't know)**

* * *

Rachel woke up the Monday after going to see Jesse feeling just as low as she had done on the Sunday. After they had left and Rachel had explained what had happened Santana had not mixed her words when she had told Rachel she was being stupid. She had pretty much accused Rachel of running away at the first opportunity she got and she hadn't spoken to Rachel since. And while Rachel knew Santana would calm down and that in some sense she had been right, it had still hurt.

Over and over again she asked herself why she had left and over and over again she reached the same conclusion. It was because she had started to question whether much like in the Nick Lechay song he had sung, the idea that Jesse was really on about her being 'the girl that got away' was really all in her head. Maybe Rachel was just projecting what she wanted onto him and maybe there was someone else he really cared about…perhaps the girl who had walked into his dressing room? She had clearly wanted to subtly mark Jesse as her territory, and Rachel had caved. She had freaked out and run away…

Blaine and Quinn had tried to be understanding, but Quinn had made Rachel feel guilty by pointing out that Jesse was probably going to wonder what he had done to make Rachel leave so fast.

Stretching Rachel told herself once again she would just have to accept the actions she had taken and learn to live with them, and rising from her bed she set about getting ready for another day.

* * *

Later that afternoon Rachel had a free hour in which she had decided to do some work for her contemporary music class and had booked out an auditorium and requested a guitar player specially.

'Hi Rachel' Matt said, smiling broadly at her as she walked in.

Matt was one of Rachel's favourite people at NYADA. A piano player at heart and a classical composer he really was exceptionally talented and could play over seven instruments. Rachel always loved the days where she requested another musician and he'd be one of those on the rota to help out.

'Hey' she said as she hugged him.

'Great song choice today…a little different.' He said

'Yeah, our assignment was to choose a song written about someone, and this just seemed fitting for me right now.' She explained.

'Great, shall we get started?' he asked as he picked up a guitar.

'Yes please.'

As the music started Rachel's mind wandered to Jesse and the reason why this song had appealed to her, but as fast as the thoughts came Rachel pushed them away – she had to focus, there was work to be done and Rachel was a professional above all other things.

So rather than think about Jesse she let the music wash over her as the lyrics flowed out of her seamlessly and she allowed herself to get lost in the song and to put all that pent up Jesse St James emotion into the words.

__

Well I'll be damned 

_Here comes your ghost again _

_But that's not unusual _

_It's just that the moon is full _

_And you happened to call _

_And here I sit _

_Hand on the telephone _

_Hearing a voice I'd known _

_A couple of light years ago _

_Heading straight for a fall _

_As I remember your eyes _

_Were bluer than robin's eggs _

_My poetry was lousy you said _

_Where are you calling from? _

_A booth in the Midwest _

_Ten years ago _

_I bought you some cufflinks _

_You brought me something _

_We both know what memories can bring _

_They bring diamonds and rust _

_Well you burst on the scene _

_Already a legend _

_The unwashed phenomenon _

_The original vagabond _

_You strayed into my arms _

_And there you stayed _

_Temporarily lost at sea _

_The Madonna was yours for free _

_Yes the girl on the half-shell _

_Would keep you unharmed _

_Now I see you standing _

_With brown leaves falling around _

_And snow in your hair _

_Now you're smiling out the window _

_Of that crummy hotel _

_Over Washington Square _

_Our breath comes out white clouds _

_Mingles and hangs in the air _

_Speaking strictly for me _

_We both could have died then and there _

_Now you're telling me _

_You're not nostalgic _

_Then give me another word for it _

_You who are so good with words _

_And at keeping things vague _

_Because I need some of that vagueness now _

_It's all come back too clearly _

_Yes I loved you dearly _

_And if you're offering me diamonds and rust _

_I've already paid _

As the song finished Rachel didn't have time to process anything before a voice came from the doorway, demanding her attention.

''Diamonds and Rust' a 1975 Joan Baez song about her relationship with Bob Dylan…an interesting song choice.'

'Jesse' Rachel said as she felt a million feelings flood her all at once, 'what are you doing here?'

'You ran away so fast the other night we didn't get a chance to talk…I had a bit of free time before I have to leave New York and I figured you'd have class on Monday and I'd find you around NYADA so here I am…'

'I'll just give you some time alone' Matt said as he picked up his bag and headed for the door. Rachel had almost forgotten he was there when Jesse turned up – it was amazing how that could happen, how Rachel could quickly forget about other things when Jesse entered her thoughts in anyway.

'Thanks Matt, I'll see you late.'

'Sure thing Rach' he said as he walked out the door, offering a little wave goodbye.

'So 'Diamonds and Rust' any particular reason why you're singing that song?' Jesse questioned lightly as he shot her a tentative smile.

'Ummm yeah my contemporary music class had an assignment to come up with a performance of a song that was about someone else famous. Kurt has the same class on a Thursday and his class performed there's last week and he fed back that there were a lot of 'Candle in the Winds' and 'Starry, Starry Nights' so I wanted to do something a bit more original…and I guess I could kind of identify with the song.' Rachel babbled as she tried to explain.

Jesse merely nodded before speaking again, 'Can we go somewhere and talk? You ran away so fast on Saturday that I don't feel like we really got to discuss anything…and I know you must have questions, about the show…and as I said there are things I need to explain to you Rachel.'

Rachel felt her stomach flutter. He was here and he wanted to go somewhere and talk – properly. It was both exciting and nerve wracking all at once.

'I'd love to…but I have classes in ten minutes. I finish at 4pm though, can you wait until then?'

Jesse smiled broadly at her then and said, '4pm sounds great. Do you want to meet me at the 5th Avenue Entrance at Central Park?'

'Sure…I'll be there no later than 4.15pm' she said as she grabbed her bag, 'I'm sorry but I really have to go now, it takes forever to get to my drama class.'

'No please go ahead' he said as he opened the door for her.

She smiled at him as she walked through before turning and saying, 'I'll see you at Central Park then?'

'I'll look forward to it.' He answered as he smiled at her.

'Me too.' she said smiling back, before forcing herself to turn and walk away…if she didn't she'd probably just fling herself on him.

* * *

At 4pm Rachel practically tore out of her class and practically sprinted in the direction to the nearest subway station.

She reached the 5th Avenue entrance of Central Park at 4.12pm and spotted Jesse instantly, he was standing by the fence looking incredible. Rachel felt her breath hitch a little as she walked closer and he spotted her, sending her a brilliant and awe inspiring smile.

'Hey' she said as she reached him.

'Hey, I got you a coffee – with soy milk obviously.' He said as he handed her the cup.

'Thank you' she said as he started walking forward and she fell into step beside him.

They walked in comfortable silence for a few minutes, each sipping their coffee and occasionally shooting meaningful sideways glances at the other.

After about five minutes they reached a secluded part of the park that veered off to the right. There was a small pond, a bench and flowers all around. It was beautiful and Rachel was mesmerised…she must have walked through Central Park loads of times but somehow she had always missed this place.

'This is beautiful' she finally murmured as she leaned over the fence to catch glimpses of the fish and the birds in the water.

'My mother brought me here once…when I was about seven or eight. I've always been amazed that I can find my way back here, and whenever I am in New York it is my favourite spot to come to. Hardly anyone knows about it, and I can usually think here in private and it brings me comfort.' Jesse explained as he came to lean on the fence next to her.

If she moved an inch she'd shoulder bump him…she was so close she could smell his scent and see his face so clearly. It took everything she had not to move closer into him or to reach out and touch him.

After a couple of more moments of silence Rachel gathered enough courage to say, 'Jesse…I don't know what I am supposed to do or say now.'

Jesse laughed and said, 'Me either really.'

'Why don't you start with the show. Why did you write it? Why did you choose to cast me? Or Kurt? And why Mr Shue to direct it..? I am so confused about it all…grateful and honoured and so indebted to you – but also confused.' She revealed to him.

'I didn't write it…well not all of it. I wrote the songs and I gave ideas for parts of the script but in truth my sister wrote it, I believe you've met Mary O'Neil…' as he finally opened up to Rachel and admitted this he shot her a glance, only to find her staring at him with confusion and uncertainty in her eyes.

'Jesse that doesn't makes any sense. Mary's mother is dead…and she had a different last name…and you never, ever once said anything about a sister in our whole time together and you talked about your parents vacating in exotic places and things!'

'It's complicated Rachel.' Jesse said tentatively.

'Well uncomplicated it then and explain it to me.' She shot back defensively.

Jesse looked at her to confirm in his mind that he really wanted her to know the truth…that she deserved the truth. Or at least a part of it now.

'Ok' he finally said, 'Mary is my full sister we share exactly the same parents Rachel. I lied about my parents vacationing in any exciting places, Vocal Adrenaline helped to find people desperate for visas to pose as my parents when it came to Will phoning my parents when I joined New Directions. I'm sorry I never told you the truth-'

'Why didn't you?' she asked, cutting him off. She wasn't angry, she didn't feel anything but numb by this revelation really – but she wanted to try and understand, to try and make sense of it.

'Because when my mother died I was devastated Rachel…I was fourteen and it happened so fast, we had less than two months between her diagnosis and her being gone completely. And it broke me, it broke all of my family…I didn't just lose one parent that day I lost two. My dad couldn't cope and our relationship deteriorated…fast. So I lied, I made up the parental life I wanted to project onto the world, I took my mother maiden name as she'd been a musical performer with that surname and I tried desperately to let go of all emotion that could lead to that kind of heartbreak again…'

'Ok' Rachel said, although she was still a little lost over the whole thing. One thing was clear though was Jesse St James was finally being more open and vulnerable with Rachel than he'd ever been, and she was starting to see a glimpse of the person he really was. It was both exhilarating and terrifying all at once.

'As for your other questions…you starring in the production Rachel, honestly I couldn't think of anyone else in the entire world who was more suited for that show, nor could I think of anyone more talented. As for Kurt and Will Shuester…I was convinced they were both talented enough for their specific jobs, and Mary wanted Kurt to have a shot too – to repay him for the help she said he'd given her.'

Rachel merely nodded, still trying to process everything. After a few more minutes of both of them in silence Rachel settled on what else she needed to know.

'What changed? I mean why now are you being honest and more emotional? I've heard your songs Jesse…they're not written by a man desperate to block out his emotions but by a man desperate to calm them…'

'You changed me.' He answered simply, causing Rachel's head to snap up and her eyes to connect with his.

'Me?'

'Yes you. There is so much to explain to you Rachel…about why we first met and how it wasn't a coincidence...and then about why I egged you that day and everything to do with the time we were actually together.'

'Ok then' she said tentatively. Something in the way he was speaking…it suggested to her that she might not want to go down that road, and that he really didn't want to.

'I'm worried if we talk about this you'll only end up hating me…' Jesse admitted.

Rachel exhaled when he said that, let out a small laugh and reached over and took his hand in hers. At the skin to skin contact her senses went haywire and she had to remind herself to stay focused.

'I could never hate you Jesse…look at what you've done for me. And besides you're a different person to the one you were then, we both are….the Jesse and Rachel from five years ago would not be discussing this many honest things in such a grown up way like this.'

He laughed and admitted she was right. He then proceeded to try and explain his side of the events in connection to Rachel meeting Shelby, and while she knew bits and pieces relating to it and she had become more aware of some of his involvement over time the whole picture from his end was a bit of a shock. When he finished she had to turn from him as she felt tears prick her eyes.

'I'm sorry Rachel, please look at me.' He said as he put a hand on her shoulder. However when she didn't turn to face him he began to worry that despite her promise she really would hate him.

'Please, please, please Rachel I am so sorry and I didn't mean to hurt you…please say something.'

After another couple of minute Rachel turned to face him, her tears had subsided leaving faint tear stains down her beautiful face. It made her look even more incredible – like some kind of tragic beauty and Jesse's heart ached to reach out and touch her. But he didn't, he stayed where he was and allowed her to gather herself up again.

Finally she spoken and said softly, 'I don't hate you Jesse it just…well it was a lot to take in and hear. But some things finally make sense I guess, and I can't say it was all a big shock – but hearing your side of it, it just brought a lot of emotions to the surface I thought I was ok with now.'

He smiled ruefully at her before saying tentatively, 'There are the others things you need to know though, I mean Shelby brought me to you and for that I will always be grateful. Without you Rachel I am not sure what would have happened to me…or my whole family for that matter.'

'I don't understand.'

'Well like I said before I met you I was burying all my emotions so I wouldn't get hurt again…which was easy being part of the Vocal Adrenaline clones. But then I met you and you started to make me see how incredible it can be to care about someone. Then I transferred to McKinley and I stared to see how New Directions used emotion and their own experiences to enhance their performances. Everything you brought into my life helped to breakdown all those walls I spent so long closing, and in all honesty that terrified me. But I was kind of OK with it, but then you did the 'Run Joey Run' thing and then that hurt me a little and I started to remember why it was I ran away from emotions. With a little pushing from Shelby and my other Vocal Adrenaline teammates it wasn't that hard for me to make up my mind to run away again, back to Carmel. Then the egging incident happened and I thought it was going to be easy, but looking at you in that car park…well I knew I loved you and something in me begged me not to do it but old habits die hard, I convinced myself that by punishing you for making me care then I would get over you. Turns out that didn't work and I came back the year later to make amends and it was going ok with you but it was clear you were into Hudson…I ignored it and then you chose him at nationals.' He shot her a look then, noticing she had been quietly sobbing.

'I am so sorry about that Jesse, I never meant to hurt you or lead you on…' she said looking down.

'It is ok it was a long time ago. I mean it hurt like hell but I can't really blame you for loving someone else, especially after a year. I just kinda always wished it wasn't him. I mean he never respected you, not properly. I'm sure he loved you but that doesn't mean he treated you right. But after that I pushed all thoughts of you from my mind and I honestly thought I was over you, that I could just carry on with my life – but then I saw you at nationals and when you sang 'It's All Coming Back'…well it did all come back for me and that was when I knew, I knew I had to help you make all your dreams come true if nothing else.'

Rachel didn't know what to make of all these things. Was this an admission of love? But they had so much to work through…surely it couldn't be – she wasn't sure what this was.

'The day you came to see me in Carmel was a great day for me Rachel. It gave me some kind of closure, not just to our relationship back then but to my days of running from feeling things and closure over my mum's death. It led me to talk to my dad and to ask him to bring Mary home and it pushed me to go to London.'

Suddenly Rachel remembered he was living in London now. No matter how much her heart might be telling her that going on a couple of dates with him to find out the kind of people they were now might be worth pursuing it was practically impossible.

'Why tell me all this Jesse…what do you want?' she asked.

'Nothing. I want absolutely nothing Rachel, I just wanted you to know what you really meant to me and what you've really done for me being in my life.'

Rachel nodded sadly before going and sitting on the bench. After a few minutes Jesse came to join her.

She needed to change the conversation, she'd already learned so much but there were other things she needed to know and if she didn't ask him now then she might never do.

'So you're living in London now…studying at RADA?'

'Yes' he answered with a ghost of a smile on his lips.

'And the girl on Saturday she was-'

'Just a friend. She thought it was perhaps something more, I set her straight after you left.' He cut in guessing where that particular question was going to go. He had a similar one he had to ask her.

'You and Hudson, are you-'

'Not together, but somewhat friends.' She confirmed

'I'm sorry if I over stepped my mark when I sent you that CD' he said cautiously. This was the first time he'd stepped onto the territory of seeing her on stage, or of writing songs inspired by her.

'No you helped me, I mean you were right. I needed to stop seeing Finn as my security blanket…it wasn't fair to either of us.'

After a couple more seconds of silence Rachel spoke timidly asking, 'when do you go back to London?'

'Tomorrow morning, I fly out at 6am' he said

Rachel's heart broke a little as she thought of him leaving but she merely nodded.

'And you're not going to tell anyone you and Mary wrote the musical?' she finally asked.

'We will…in time. I think I just have to convince her she's going to have to own up to it at some point.'

'I really think you should. You've both made something incredible and something you should be proud of. How did it even come about?'

'Mary started writing it as a way of dealing with her inner teenage anger and she gave it to me as a Christmas present and asked me if I wanted to do a joint project with her to help develop it into a fully-fledged musical.'

'That is incredible.'

Jesse smiled and looked at his watch. As much as he wanted to stay he couldn't, he had a plane to be on early in the morning and he still had to pack. As much as he wished he could stay there with Rachel and be with her he knew he couldn't…he was in London and she was in New York, plus she might not even feel the same way as he did. Hell perhaps if they went out a couple of times he wouldn't even feel that way anymore…although that was hard to believe. And as much as he considered just kissing her senseless right there on the bench, and maybe suggesting she come back to his hotel and seeing how she responded to that he knew that wasn't appropriate. That isn't what he'd want with her, if he could choose how it would be he would date her properly. After all he had once promised her epic romance, because that was what she deserved. And right now that just wasn't something he could follow through with – the timing for the two of them just wasn't right. Plus there were still things he hadn't talked about with Rachel, and he knew if something was ever going to happen between them he wanted all of his demons to be exorcized properly before.

So reluctantly he said they should really be making a move, stood up and offered her his hand to help her up. The walk back through Central Park was a quiet one as both of them became lost in their own thoughts and feelings. The day had been an emotional one for both of them.

As they made their way through one of the parks exits Rachel noticed the pub across the road with a piano and a stage any customers could use. Turning to Jesse she said, 'Come in and sing with me please before you go…we haven't sang together in so long and I can't say goodbye to you right now without it…'

Jesse nodded and agreed. Anything to make her happy.

Once seated at the piano Rachel told Jesse he could choose the song, and when he started to play the music she wasn't sure how she kept it together. But she couldn't deny that the song, in some ways, was perfect for the moment…

__

You really left your mark

_On this old house_

_And this old heart_

_I see you everywhere_

_And when I close my eyes_

_You're still there_

_And I know_

_You want me to move on_

_Start living a new life_

_Start writing a new song_

_Don't worry, I ain't going to ask you_

_To come back and love me_

_Baby you don't have to_

_Cause I can be in love with you, without you_

_It's not that hard at all_

_It's like you're out of town_

_And just forgot to call_

_And just because you walked away_

_Doesn't mean my feelings have to change_

_Now and I know_

_You want me to move on_

_Stop living an old life_

_Stop singing an old song_

_Don't worry, I ain't going to ask you_

_To come back and love me_

_Baby you don't have to_

_Cause I can be in love with you, without you_

_Oh and If you're gone for good_

_I hope that you go far_

_Cause how I feel about you_

_Don't matter where you are_

_Yeah... and I know_

_You want me to move on_

_Start living a new life_

_Stop singing an old song_

_But I can be in love with you_

_No matter where you go_

_No matter what you do_

_I can be in love with you, without you_

After the song Rachel and Jesse stayed long enough to receive a couple of compliments from people in the bar. He then walked her to the nearest subway and they stood awkwardly outside, neither sure of how to say goodbye.

Finally Jesse broke the silence and said, 'It was incredible to see you and talk to you Rachel.'

She nodded and before she could think any better of it she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly for a fraction of a second. Then she pulled away and said, 'I guess this is goodbye again huh?'

'Yeah for now. But I am going to be seeing much more of you with the show and stuff…once I convince Mary it is time to go public I'll fly back in more often to help with some stuff. And if you need me, for anything Rachel, show related or not…Will and Mary have my number and I know she at least will be thrilled to give it to you.'

Rachel nodded and said, 'Ok I'll remember that.'

'Make sure you do.'

Rachel turned and started to descend the stairs before turning and saying, 'Have a safe flight.'


End file.
